One might think that we, being completely trustworthy and positively brimming with rectitude, would do just that. But something about this love-note struck us as odd. If we were to be contacted formally by the legal department of VJ, one of the Jewish web's leading lights, why hadn't we been already? And if not the legal department, then from whom, exactly, was this faceless missive coming?

A couple of clues were enough to piece the story together. Dropping by the VJ "Supersite," well known for its 24-hour display of live Western Wall footage and free delivery of prayer-notes to the same location, we discovered their feature entitled "Kochavim: Famous Jews in the News." (Kochavim, for the Hebraically deprived, means "stars.") It proved to be a Hollywood gossip/trivia sheet assembled by "Steve K. Walz, Member, TV Critics Association of America."

We happen to know him better as the Steve K. Walz who oversees much of the day-to-day editorial tasks at The Jewish Press, Inc., Brooklyn's National-Religious weekly tabloid, which also maintains an online presence on VJ's web server. Looking back at our mystery message, we noticed that it had not come from anyone at VJ, but rather an AOL e-mail account maintained by "The JP Inc."

Now, The Jewish Press (JP) doesn't offer "Kochavim: Famous Jews in the News," so it follows that this message was typed by, or on behalf of, one Steve K. Walz, and, what is more, only a few short minutes after the Sabbath.

A sense of urgency, it seems, has always been characteristic of The Jewish Press, Inc. In his recent book, Memoirs of a Jewish Extremist (Little, Brown), the Jerusalem Report's Yossi Klein Halevi writes:

Every Friday, as if to subvert the approaching peace of Shabbos, the Jewish Press arrived in the mail. More than just the voice of Brooklyn's Orthodox Jews, the Jewish Press was a cosmopolitan digest of disaster. It probed the world, looking for woe... The editorials, cartoons, letters to the editor, and blue-and-red headlines all merged into a single cry of "GEVALT!", a great cry of alarm. Stories were said to continue on non-existent pages or ended mid-sentence, as if some calamity had suddenly struck its author. The Jewish Press was a newspaper with a mission and had no time for the formalities of grammar; its typos were the stutter of an urgent messenger. The Jewish Press' implicit motto was: No threat can ever be exaggerated.

Today, The Jewish Press, Inc. remains best known as the former soapbox of felled racist and hatemonger Rabbi Meir Kahane. The tabloid bills itself variously as "The Largest Independent Anglo-Jewish Weekly" or "The Largest Orthodox Anglo-Jewish Weekly In The World." We've never been sure if that refers to circulation or page count.

IN HIS OTHER LIFE, our editor-in-chief and publisher, Binyamin L. Jolkovsky, covers what he terms the "Five Books of Moses" beat for journals including The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, New York magazine, and the Forward, the responsible and trend-setting 100-year old broadsheet.

Binyamin once appeared on the late Barry Gray's radio show, where he let the listening public know his opinion of The Jewish Press, Inc. The next day, someone named Steve K. Walz rang up the publisher of the Forward threatening legal action, only to be rebuffed in no uncertain terms. He never did sue anyone.

Binyamin and Steve did happen to meet once. As Binyamin recalls it, he was waiting in line at a New York City press schmoozefest for the newly elected Israeli Prime Minister Bibi Netanyahu and sought to chat up David Bar-Illan, former editor-in-chief of the Jerusalem Post, and Bibi's newly dubbed press secretary. While waiting, he was alerted to the presence of a superior human being by that very entity, which deigned to introduce itself by way of demanding he get out of its way.

"Excuse me!" said the humanoid. "I'm Steve Walz, of the Jewish Press, the world's largest independent Anglo-Jewish Weekly Newspaper." (Sometimes they leave out the "Orthodox" part.)

Binyamin responded: "Oh, how nice. I'm Binyamin L. Jolkovsky. Period. End of story. Wait your turn like everyone else." And that, to Steve Walz's perceptible displeasure, is what happened.

SO WHERE DOES THIS leave us? JWR does indeed run an interview feature titled "Kochavim! / Stargazing." In this issue, it showcases Michael Elkin's talk with mega-talented singer/actor Mandy Patinkin. We will willingly take Steve Walz's word, such as it is, that his own "Kochavim," such as it is, precedes our own by a year or more.

So this time Stevie really was there first. But are we ready to rename our feature just yet? Not quite. First, we don't think anyone is going to confuse the two. It's not as if they're side-by-side on a newsstand somewhere.

Second, if you look carefully, good ol' Stevie is trying to stake exclusive claim to a Hebrew common noun, kochavim, which has long been in the public domain. "Kochavim" ain't "Microsoft(tm)." It ain't "Coca-Cola(tm)." It ain't even "Kleenex(tm)." You get the idea. Can a single common noun be copyrighted, so it can never be combined with any other words without infringement? Can it even be trademarked? (No trademark is indicated at either publication.)

If this is so, both Steve Walz and JWR are in big, big trouble. For in Bereshis (Genesis), 1:1, we read as follows: "Bereshis bara Elokim es hashamaim v'es ha'aretz." (Note to the editors of Israel's Ha'aretz daily newspaper: please don't sue us.) This means: "In the beginning, G-d created the heavens and the earth."

Astute Hebraists will notice that the particle "es" appears twice. Taken literally, "es" (alef-saf) simply announces that the following noun is a direct object. But, according to the Talmud, the word has an important mystical significance as well, since alef and saf are the first and last letters of the Hebrew alphabet--A and Z, as it were.

Properly understood, this passage now reads, "In the beginning, G-d created A to Z, the heavens, and the earth." Why did G-d create Hebrew first? In order to create the rest of the universe through the power of Divine speech: "And G-d said: 'Let there be light!' And there was light."

It should be perfectly clear, therefore, Who, if anyone, holds the rights to the Hebrew language. (If anyone is still confused, "kochavim" appears at the end of Bereshis 1:17. There's no copyright or trademark symbol in most editions of the Torah.) Our advice to the Virtual Jerusalem legal department: check with your rabbi before contacting us.

And, lastly, to Steve Walz: having spoken with people who have known you for years, we are aware of your status as an honorary member of the USS Enterprise. (Binyamin recently interviewed Leonard Nimoy -- just call if you'd like to know what Mr. Spock is up to these days.) You should realize, however, that it's one thing to dream of living among the stars. It's entirely another to claim title to them.

[Editor's note: we have now received the following message from a representative of Virtual Jerusalem, which we consider to be authentic:

Subject: Your site on Virtual Jerusalem
Date: Sun, 21 Dec 1997 17:26:15 +0300
From: Ilana Sacknovitz
To: schmooze@jewishworldreview.com

Dear Binyamin,

I am responsible for bringing new sites onto Virtual Jerusalem. I've taken a look at the Jewish World Review website and was quite impresse! We'd like to know whether you'd be interested in joining our hosting & exposure program (http://virtual.co.il/pay) at half price.

Check out our various programs (hosting & exposure, We'll Pay You) and let me know what you think!

I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,

Ilana Sacknovitz
ilanas@virtual.co.il

We'll have to think about it. -Ed.]