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Jewish World Review Dec. 20, 2010 / 13 Teves, 5771 Comforting with Sympathizing By Alan Douglas
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
In her murder mystery, Still Life, Louise Penny writes on behalf of her protagonist, Inspector Gamache that, "He'd seen it many times, people jockeying for position as chief mourner. It was always human and never pleasant and often misleading. Aid workers, when handing out food to starving people; quickly learn that the people fighting for it the front are the people who need it least. It's the people sitting quietly at the back, too weak to fight, who need it the most. And so too with tragedy. The people who don't insist on their sorrow can often be the ones who feel it most strongly." As there are so many forms of grief there is no single right way to respond. People do not go down the same road or take the same steps. You can be better prepared to comfort, rather than just expressing sympathy by following this advice.
When approaching someone in distress, the most important thing to remember is this: You Don't Understand. Accept that you do not understand what they are talking about. Accept that you do not understand what they are going through. Accept that you do not understand what will help them. A recent study reported that the long-term recovery rate for those receiving professional grief counseling frequently were worse than those who did not receive counseling. Grief is still a mystery. Remembering that You Don't Understand may stop you from assuming you do know, and, in the end, only making matters worse.
When you want to aid a family member or friend in certain times of distress, remember these rules. Relating a similar illness or disaster from your own life may be both self-centered and harmful. Misery may love company, but it doesn't like to compete. Do not tell a story about how much more you have suffered. That game of "poor me" or "one downs-manship" only demonstrates that the world is about YOU. Support groups are great for feeling solidarity with others in misery, but in the initial stage of being distressed, your upset friend wants to be the only one upset. And if they are your true friends, it should be nothing for you to grant them center-stage during their time of despair. Do not attempt to match their woes.
Secondly, the whole 'count your blessings' thing only goes so far. Sure, you can tell your upset friend the story about the man who cried because he had no shoes…until he met a man with no feet. But it is really not what your friend needs. You can just call them a "big cry-baby". My friend, Mary Wickstrum, leads teams of operating room nurses. Almost every day her nurses witness first-hand serious illness and fatal disease and human tragedy. Do you really believe that stops the nurses from complaining about their own problems? Mary hears many petty complaints, and sometimes she must tell her staff, "Cry me a river, build a bridge, and get over it." She has reminded her colleagues how luck they are and how bless compared to their patients but ultimately it is all about getting on with life and moving forward.
Since you do not understand the situation, you will not know how real the crisis is, and it is secondary to the emotional upheaval. Here are the three primary alternatives to help you differentiate between sympathizing and comforting:
Supportive. Maybe all the person really needs is for you to agree with them. Their definition of supportive and sympathetic is telling them that they are absolutely right. This is the most common, as well as the trickiest since, as you may recall, "You really don't understand." Those searching for unquestioned support and unwavering agreement from you will, sniff out any hint of dissent or doubt. Be especially careful or cautious of ambivalent phrases the aggrieved party may pounce on as being disloyal.
Sharing. Individuals sometimes jus want to be center stage. If they just want the attention, sit back, listen, and nod. In a "sharing" situation you never interrupt unless there is a fire or national disaster. No distractions are appreciated. One must really, really concentrate on the problem, or pretend to, at the exclusion of all else. Let their mascara run. Let their nose drain. Hand them a tissue. Do not answer your phone.
Advice. Do not assume that you are responsible for helping your friend "fix" whatever problem they may be dealing with. In all honesty, they may like their dilemma more than you know. Wallowing in self-pity is how some people enjoy spending their entire lives. You have to be invited to the party before you can start to dance. Unless the person wants specific helpful hints, stifle yourself. Your best intentions to save this person from doom are not sufficient reasons for you to trespass. Unless asked for, your "help" will only hinder the situation. They will not appreciate you and may even start arguing or attacking you. Since you don't understand anyway, your suggestions, advice, and comments are most likely wrong. The more upset and disoriented a person becomes, the less likely you are to get the facts or complete description of their situation.
You should be equipped with the usual arsenal of comforting, band-aid phrases at hand. The immediate problem, loss or hurt demands attention but since You Don't Understand give it time. The biblical admonition is, "This, too, will pass." Poet Robert Frost said he could sum up all there was to know about life in three words, "It goes on." Time and love may heal one's hurt for some, but not for all. Time adds a different perspective or another distraction. Later events may prove that, what was a huge disappointment was actually a blessing. There many comforting band-aid phrases available, but don't count on them. In the end it may boil down to your relationship with the person, and the amount of effort you put in to caring for, and comforting them. We remember the people who sat with us in the hospital waiting room, and those who came to visit long after we've forgotten the surgeon's name. How our friends and loved ones respond when we each have a crisis is the basis on which we build our lives. Life has, and always will be unpredictable. Because You Don't Understand, you should not expect, or take responsibility, for making things better. All you can do is to make a real effort. We have some control over our destiny, and even less control over the destiny of others. Will Rogers put it right when he said, "Things will get better, despite our efforts to improve them."
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JWR contributor Alan Douglas, an author, media executive, speaker, and attorney, lives con brio- except when he is grumpy.
Nautical Worry Killers
© 2010 Alan Douglas
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