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In this issue
April 9, 2014

Jonathan Tobin: Why Did Kerry Lie About Israeli Blame?

Samuel G. Freedman: A resolution 70 years later for a father's unsettling legacy of ashes from Dachau

Jessica Ivins: A resolution 70 years later for a father's unsettling legacy of ashes from Dachau

Kim Giles: Asking for help is not weakness

Kathy Kristof and Barbara Hoch Marcus: 7 Great Growth Israeli Stocks

Matthew Mientka: How Beans, Peas, And Chickpeas Cleanse Bad Cholesterol and Lowers Risk of Heart Disease

Sabrina Bachai: 5 At-Home Treatments For Headaches

The Kosher Gourmet by Daniel Neman Have yourself a matzo ball: The secrets bubby never told you and recipes she could have never imagined

April 8, 2014

Lori Nawyn: At Your Wit's End and Back: Finding Peace

Susan B. Garland and Rachel L. Sheedy: Strategies Married Couples Can Use to Boost Benefits

David Muhlbaum: Smart Tax Deductions Non-Itemizers Can Claim

Jill Weisenberger, M.S., R.D.N., C.D.E : Before You Lose Your Mental Edge

Dana Dovey: Coffee Drinkers Rejoice! Your Cup Of Joe Can Prevent Death From Liver Disease

Chris Weller: Electric 'Thinking Cap' Puts Your Brain Power Into High Gear

The Kosher Gourmet by Marlene Parrish A gift of hazelnuts keeps giving --- for a variety of nutty recipes: Entree, side, soup, dessert

April 4, 2014

Rabbi David Gutterman: The Word for Nothing Means Everything

Charles Krauthammer: Kerry's folly, Chapter 3

Amy Peterson: A life of love: How to build lasting relationships with your children

John Ericson: Older Women: Save Your Heart, Prevent Stroke Don't Drink Diet

John Ericson: Why 50 million Americans will still have spring allergies after taking meds

Cameron Huddleston: Best and Worst Buys of April 2014

Stacy Rapacon: Great Mutual Funds for Young Investors

Sarah Boesveld: Teacher keeps promise to mail thousands of former students letters written by their past selves

The Kosher Gourmet by Sharon Thompson Anyone can make a salad, you say. But can they make a great salad? (SECRETS, TESTED TECHNIQUES + 4 RECIPES, INCLUDING DRESSINGS)

April 2, 2014

Paul Greenberg: Death and joy in the spring

Dan Barry: Should South Carolina Jews be forced to maintain this chimney built by Germans serving the Nazis?

Mayra Bitsko: Save me! An alien took over my child's personality

Frank Clayton: Get happy: 20 scientifically proven happiness activities

Susan Scutti: It's Genetic! Obesity and the 'Carb Breakdown' Gene

Lecia Bushak: Why Hand Sanitizer May Actually Harm Your Health

Stacy Rapacon: Great Funds You Can Own for $500 or Less

Cameron Huddleston: 7 Ways to Save on Home Decor

The Kosher Gourmet by Steve Petusevsky Exploring ingredients as edible-stuffed containers (TWO RECIPES + TIPS & TECHINQUES)

Jewish World Review Dec. 11, 2008 / 14 Kislev 5769

Operator: Welcome to transition hotline

By Kevin Ferris

Printer Friendly Version
Email this article | Operator: Transition hotline, can I help you?

Caller: Uh, yeah, I've been reading about the transition ...

O: Yes, sir, only seven more weeks until The One takes the oath!

C: Yeah, really looking forward to it. But I wanted to double-check something.

O: Ask away, sir. We have answers you can believe in.

C: I've been reading about some of the people who are going to help Barack Obama change Washington ...

O: The One.

C: The who?

O: The One. We don't say Obama. We say The One. We want all Americans to say it, in the spirit of national unity.

C: The One.

O: You've got it. Please tell your friends.

C: You betcha.

O: Oh, now, we don't say that.

C: Say what?

O: That expression you just used. I can't repeat it. This call is being monitored. But we're discouraging its use. We hope to have it officially banned next year, but for now it's just a request.

C: You mean, you betcha?

O: Please, sir. It hurts my ears. But, yes, that's the one. Not The One, of course. But that's the phrase I'm referring to. We looked back over the campaign tapes and realized that so many of the things the other side said had hateful and racial overtones. Not surprisingly, that includes pretty much everything they say in Alaska.

C: I had no idea.

O: I can't discuss all that's involved here, but the problems with that state go far beyond turkey abuse, I can assure you.

C: That was pretty freaky.

O: PETA is filing a lawsuit. But that's just a start. That poor bird was just a metaphor. We think there's a good chance we can get the Republican Party labeled a hate group and banned. In the spirit of national unity, of course.

C: Of course.

O: You betcha. ... Oh, shoot. I hope I didn't offend you.

C: I didn't know I was supposed to be offended.

O: You'll catch on. It's an education process. Now, sir, did you have a question?

C: Oh, yeah. The transition. Obama won, right?

O: The One.

C: Sorry. The One. The One won, right?

O: Of course The One won. How could he not? We had history, fate, destiny, karma, the media and Oprah all on our side.

C: That's what I thought. So what's with some of these people he's hiring?

O: Sir?

C: Hillary for secretary of state? Wasn't she involved somehow in the Clinton administration?

O: Very peripherally. We've determined that there was very little communication between the two, especially after a certain point in the second term.

C: That dude from Harvard who said women can't do math or science?

O: Larry Summers will head the National Economic Council. But after his diversity and sensitivity classes, he'll only be allowed to speak to The One. Otherwise, his all-female Secret Service detachment is authorized to smack him upside the head.

C: What about Bob Gates at the Pentagon? If we wanted a third term for the war criminal Bush, we would've voted for McCain.

O: Sir, you are going to have to watch your language. We don't use the B-word.

C: My dad's a conservative, and he likes these picks. My friends are talking impeachment. They tried calling Dennis Kucinich, but they can't get through.

O: There I can help. Yes, I can. You have to dial direct to the chip the aliens implanted in his head. Hold for that number. ...

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Kevin Ferris is commentary page editor of the Philadelphia Inquirer.


12/03/08: How Obama will fight a growing front in Afghanistan
11/25/08: GOP ahead of curve for change
11/13/08: Prayers for President-elect Barack Obama
10/03/08: Obama's lowball attacks: Suggesting that McCain is a bigot runs afoul of the high-minded ‘unity’ tripe
09/06/08: It's unlikely that a President McCain would be driven by political ideology
09/04/08: Bold McCain will sharpen the contrasts

© 2008, Philadelphia Inquirer Distributed by McClatchy-Tribune Information Services