
 |
|
Nov. 6, 2009
JWisdom.com Zero to 1/60th: How
to Empower An Hour with Gavriel Aryeh Sande (7 minutes)
Nov. 5, 2009
JWisdom.com Hidden Hints: Unlocking
Faith & Prayer with Rabbi Jay Yaacov Schwartz (10 minutes)
Nov. 4, 2009
JWisdom.com When God played peacemaker
With Rabbi Sroy Levitansky (5 minutes)
Nov. 3, 2009
JWisdom.com Are you are closet idolater?
With Sara Yoheved Rigler (10 minutes)
Nov. 2, 2009
JWisdom.com Abraham's Strange Change
With Rabbi Yitzchok Fingerer (5 minutes)
Oct. 30, 2009
Oct. 29, 2009
JWisdom.com We Must Revamp our
Religious Vocabulary With Gavriel Aryeh Sanders ( 10 minutes)
Oct. 28, 2009
JWisdom.com Why what we wear
impacts who we are
With Rabbis Mordechai Becher, Menachem Golberger and Aliza Bulow ( 10 minutes)
Oct. 27, 2009
Paul Greenberg: The United Nations Is Outraged Again, Or: Department of Mideast Static
JWisdom.com The Science of Love
With Rabbi Jonathan Rietti ( 7 minutes)
Oct. 26, 2009
JWisdom.com Wisdom and Wonks
With Rabbi Eytan Feiner ( 7 minutes)
Oct. 23, 2009
JWisdom.com Watermark and oneness
with Rabbi Sroy Levitansky ( 4 minutes)
Caroline B. Glick Stop using limited powers in a way that expands our enemies' advantages over us
Oct. 22, 2009
JWisdom.com No More More Family Fights --- Really?
By Sarah Chana Radcliffe ( 5 minutes)
Oct. 21, 2009
Tonya Alanez: Holocaust denier sues survivor, calling Auschwitz memoir 'vicious lies'
JWisdom.com Meditating Jewishly: A
Panacea for Success by Sarah Yoheved Rigler ( 7 minutes)
Oct. 20, 2009
Dennis Prager: Obama and Dalai Lama: Why Israel Worries about U.S. President
JWisdom.com Abraham was not religious
By Rabbi Yitzchok Fingerer ( 6 minutes)
Oct. 19, 2009
JWisdom.comWhy Good People Do Bad Things
By Rabbi Eytan Feiner ( 7 minutes)
Oct. 16, 2009
JWisdom.com Hearing Voices
By Rabbi Sroy Levitansky ( 5 minutes)
Oct. 15, 2009
JWisdom.com: Former MTV producer and stand-up comedian Rabbi Lawrence Hajioff: Taming a Control Freak (A VERY fast 15 minutes)
|
| |
Jewish World Review
Dec 13, 2007
/ 4 Teves, 5768
Going (to lunch) once, going twice…
By
Malcolm Fleschner
| 
|
|
|
|
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
I remember being amused to discover that, during his marriage to Britney Spears, Kevin Federline's only personal source of income came from the $20,000 "celebrity" appearance fees he regularly charged for attending private parties. "I wonder how much you have to pay him not to come?" I recall thinking, before chuckling softly at my own cleverness.
These fees amount to mere chump change for K-Fed now, however - in the divorce settlement the former Mr. Spears reportedly received a lump sum payment of at least $1 million. Armed with this information - and a calculator - we can now conclusively determine that having Kevin Federline come into your life is worth exactly 1/50th what it costs to make him go away.
It turns out that celebrities charging party appearance fees is a common practice, with fees ranging from the hundreds of thousands demanded by A-listers like Justin Timberlake and 50 Cent to a few thousand dollars for mostly-forgotten sitcom actors of the '70s like Anson Williams, the guy who played Potsie on Happy Days. I know what you're thinking - all this time Potsie's been raking it in while you and I have been attending parties for free like a bunch of suckers!
Sadly, since the demand at most functions for non-famous attendees is pretty low, we regular folk must remain in the dark concerning our worth on the open market. Oh sure, friends and relatives may value you for your kindness and generosity, but such qualities don't easily translate into hard dollar amounts. You can't exactly fill your tank with gas and say to the attendant, "Well, I don't have any money, but I always remember people's birthdays, and last year when my neighbor was in the hospital with diverticulitis, I walked his Pekingese, 'Yum Yum,' every day."
These thoughts on the subject of personal worth occurred to me recently while attending a fundraising auction to benefit my son's preschool. Listed among the items up for bid, including various weekend getaways, goody baskets and (this is true) a self-portrait painted by an elephant, was a lunch date with a former star player for the San Francisco 49ers.
While the value of this item had been pegged at $500, I learned that last year, fevered bidding for the same lunch date had driven the final price up to $5,000. "Wow," I commented to another parent nearby. "He must be an even better conversationalist than he was a football player."
Much as I felt the $5,000 was going toward a worthy cause, I couldn't help but worry about the expectations such a high price placed on the former 49er to deliver a great dining experience. When someone pays $5,000 to eat with you, you can't exactly spend the whole meal absent-mindedly checking voicemail and looking at your watch. If I shelled out five grand for a meal with a star athlete, I'd expect him to arrive with, at a minimum, a trunkful of top-of-the-line autographed memorabilia, some insider tips to help me win my fantasy football pool and, in case the need ever arises, a spare kidney.
On the other hand, I thought, what if the high bidder turned out to be one of those blowhard sports fans who only attend sporting events to jeer at the players? That would make for an uncomfortable lunch, to say the least.
Former 49er: (to the waiter) "I'll have a cheeseburger please, medium rare."
High bidder; (shouting) "That order stinks, you jerk, and so do you!"
Former 49: "And a glass of iced tea, please."
High Bidder: (standing up) "Boooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!"
These concerns notwithstanding, I couldn't help but get caught up in the excitement of the auction, and cornered the school's director to express my availability for next year's event.
"You want to offer a lunch?" she asked, a little taken aback. "With you? That people would pay actual money for?"
"Of course not," I reassured her. I'm fully aware that "Eat lunch with a local humorist" sounds a lot like the punishment an unorthodox judge would hand down in an effort to "scare straight" a particularly troublesome repeat offender.
Instead, I explained, I was offering my services as a stand-in for the high bidder at an unpleasant or dreaded lunch date he or she would just as soon skip. The event in question wouldn't even have to be lunch - it could be dinner with the in-laws, an IRS audit, anger management class, a performance review with the boss, court-ordered drug test - pretty much any appointment someone would pay to get out of.
No doubt with images of looming parent meetings dancing in her head, the director agreed to think about it.
"If it sweetens the deal at all," I added, "for a few dollars more I bet I could even get Potsie from Happy Days to come with me."
Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here.
JWR contributor Malcolm Fleschner is a humor columnist for The DC Examiner. Let him know what you think by clicking here.
Previously:
11/28/07: Out with the old
11/06/07: My latest pet project
11/06/07: Can't tune it out
10/23/07: Something special in the hair
09/12/07: Can I have your attention, please?
09/12/07: Houston, we have an image problem
08/21/07: In the heat of fashion
08/09/07: Let's get in the game
06/13/07: You gonna eat that?
05/08/07: That's disinter-tainment
05/02/07:You Are (not) Getting Sleepy...
04/18/07: No time like Father Time
03/15/07: Deface the Nation
03/08/07: More gifts? You shouldn't have
02/22/07: Relationships can be such a chore
12/05/06: Who's calling the shots?
11/09/06: I'm taking selling to a whole new level
10/27/06: Some skills are beyond repair
10/18/06: You can't tech it with you
10/04/06: Award to the wise
08/24/06: Phrased and Confused
08/09/06: We're Gonna Party Like it's $19.99
07/19/06: Just Singing in the Brain
05/24/06: Who says you can't go home again?
05/11/06: When nightly news stories go off script
04/26/06: Cents and sensibility: A thought for your pennies
03/16/06: The day the Muzak died
02/23/06: Checkbook diplomacy begins at home
02/15/06: Today's toys: Where learning means earning
© 2006, Malcolm Fleschner
|
|

Arnold Ahlert
Mitch Albom
Michael Barone
Dave Barry
Tony Blankley
Andy Borowitz
David Broder
Stratfor Briefing
Mona Charen
Linda Chavez
Ann Coulter
Greg Crosby
Larry Elder
Suzanne Fields
John Fund
Frank J. Gaffney
Lloyd Garver
Jonah Goldberg
Julia Gorin
Jonathan Gurwitz
Paul Greenberg
Lewis Grossberger
Victor Davis Hanson
Betsy Hart
Nat Hentoff
David Horowitz
Laura Ingraham
Cheri Jacobus Jeff Jacoby
Paul Johnson
Jack Kelly
Ed Koch
Ch. Krauthammer
Michael Ledeen
John Leo
David Limbaugh
Kathryn Lopez
Rich Lowry
Michelle Malkin
Jackie Mason
Dick Morris
Bill O'Reilly
Jim Mullen
Clarence Page
Kathleen Parker
Dennis Prager
Wesley Pruden
Tom Purcell
Jonathan Rauch
Celia Rivenbark
Robert Robb
Cokie & Steve Roberts
Pat Sajak
Debra J. Saunders
Culture Shlock
Roger Simon
Michael Smerconish
Thomas Sowell
Mark Steyn
John Stossel
Cal Thomas
Bob Tyrrell
Diana West
Dave Weinbaum
George Will
Walter Williams
Byron York
Mort Zuckerman

Robert Arial
Chuck Asay
Baloo
Chip Bok
Dry Bones
Lisa Benson
John Branch
Gary Brookins
John Cole
J. D. Crowe
John Deering
Brian Duffy
Everything's Relative
Mallard Fillmore
Jake Fuller
Bob Gorrel
Joe Heller
David Hitch
Jerry Holber
Steve Kelley
Jeff Koterba
Dick Locher
Chan Lowe
Ranan R. Lurie
Jimmy Margulies
Rick McKee
Michael Ramirez
Kevin Siers
Jeff Stahler
Ed Stein
Danna Summers
John Trever
Gary Varvel
Kirk Walters

How 2
Lori Borgman
The Savvy Consumer
Elder matters
Fixit
Dr. Peter Gott
GET A JOB! by Marty Nemko
Richard Lederer
Tech Maven
Every Monday Matters
Nutrition Myths
Bookmark These
Bruce Williams
How Stuff Works
|