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July 8, 2008

The Jewish Ethicist by Rabbi Dr. Asher Meir: Q. Duty to save gullible from themselves?

Frank J. Gaffney, Jr.: Islamists have the West just where they want us

JWisdom:: Putting the Spirit Back into Spirituality, Part 3: The Fully Loaded Human Being by Rabbi Dovid Gross

July 3, 2008

Rabbi Dr. Abraham J. Twerski: A spiritual budget (TOUCHING!)

Jeff Jacoby: Israel still paying for its defeat

JWisdom:: Re-Jew-venating prayer, Part IV by Rabbi David Aaron

JWisdom:: The Moses Method by Rabbi Sroy Levitansky

July 2, 2008

Jonathan Tobin: Appeasers Make Poor Patriots

The Kosher Gourmet By Kathleen Purvis: Slaw, y'all: For BBQs or Sabbath dinner, these southern recipes are something else!

JWisdom:: Rabbi Mordechai Becher: Jewish Rx for A Simpler Life

July 1, 2008

The Jewish Ethicist by Rabbi Dr. Asher Meir: Q. I think it's important to leave a legacy to my children. How much should I save towards this end?

Paul Greenberg:A President who is history deficient?

JWisdom:: Holocaust in the Perspective of Faith by Rabbi Nosson Scherman: Poland's Unique Antisemitism

June 30, 2008

Jonathan Rosenblum: Remembering the architect of Torah Judaism for the modern world

Abe Novick: Hulk: Still a Jew?

JWisdom: : Putting the Spirit Back into Spirituality, Part 2: The Abandoned Child

June 26, 2008

Rabbi Abraham J. Twerski: Quantum leap to evil

Caroline B. Glick: Victimized families must not be allowed to dictate policy

June 25, 2008

Rabbi Yonason Goldson: Today in Biblical History: King Jeroboam of Israel prevents pilgrimage to Jerusalem

Jonathan Tobin: Real Friends and Real Enemies

JWisdom: Raping of reason By Rabbi Sroy Levitansky

June 25, 2008

Steven Emerson: Kristof: Never Mind the Terrorists

Stratfor Intelligence Briefing: Mediterranean Flyover: Telegraphing an Israeli Punch?

JWisdom: Rabbi David Aaron: Re-Jew-venating prayer, Part III

June 24, 2008

Caroline B. Glick: What were they thinking!?

Frank J. Gaffney, Jr.: Guilty knowledge

JWisdom: Holocaust in the Perspective of Faith by Rabbi Nosson Scherman: Warping Innocence

June 23, 2008

The Jewish Ethicist by Rabbi Dr. Asher Meir: Diploma dilemma

Jeff Jacoby: A world without children

JWisdom: Rabbi Dovid Gross: Putting the Spirit Back into Spirituality --- Introduction

June 20, 2008

Rabbi A. Henach Leibowitz: Man: The Crowning Glory of Creation

Caroline B. Glick: Israel's darkest week

JWisdom: We aren't worthy? by Rabbi Sroy Levitansky

June 19, 2008

Rabbi Elazar Meisels: The saints who don't come marchin' in

Chris Christoff: Muslim woman demands an apology from Obama after camera snub

June 18, 2008

Jonathan Tobin: Still Dancing Around Jerusalem

The Kosher Gourmet by Steve Petusevsky: Chilled fruit and vegetable soups

JWisdom: Souls Need A Check Up? by Rabbi Mordechai Becher

June 17, 2008

Rabbi Avi Shafran: Baby Einstein

Caroline B. Glick: Bush's rhetoric, Bush's policies

JWisdom: Re-Jew-venating prayer, Part II by Rabbi David Aaron

June 16, 2008

Varda Branfman: Bob Dylan, won't you please come home?

Diana West: Academic dares to question the 'religion of peace'

JWisdom: Holocaust in the Perspective of Faith by Rabbi Nosson Scherman: Positive Backfire

June 13, 2008

Rabbi Berel Wein: Trading manna for whine

Caroline B. Glick: Peace with friends

JWisdom: From the mouths of … by Rabbi Sroy Levitansky

June 12, 2008

Michael Feldberg: Meet Paul Revere's pal, the Orthodox Jew who played a key role in laying Boston's cultural and business infrastructure

The Kosher Gourmet by Kathy Manweiler: No need to be tempted by Wendy's mandarin chicken salad

JWisdom: Re-Jew-venating prayer, Part I by Rabbi David Aaron

June 11, 2008

Rabbi Avi Shafran: What would Hillel say?

Jonathan Tobin: UNRWA and NGOs: The Real U.N. 'Insult'

JWisdom: Sara Yoheved Rigler: Greatness Made Simple: How a momentary decision shifted life's course and destination

June 6, 2008

Rabbi Pinchas Stolper: Revelation: The basis of faith

Binyamin L. Jolkovsky: Mere hours after becoming Israel's new 'best friend' Obama backtracks on status of Jerusalem

Caroline B. Glick: UN choosing to protect rogue nuclear programs

JWisdom: Sameness in difference by Rabbi Sroy Levitansky

June 5, 2008

David Lightman: Now Obama wants to be Israel's newest 'best friend'

Obama's remarks to AIPAC policy conference

The Kosher Gourmet By Ethel G. Hofman: Shavous cuisine: Ruby Fruit Soup, Lokshen Kugel with Cheese, Key Lime Curd, Calsone Casserole Frittata with Wild Mushrooms, Sun-dried tomatoes and Olives, Baked Tilapia with Pepper Cheese Cream and Brown Sugar Shortbread

JWisdom: Why a Jewish Jerusalem makes so many nervous by Rabbi Mordechai Becher

June 4, 2008

Jonathan Rosenblum: A different sort of 'religious broadcaster'

Jonathan Tobin: Misgivings on the Road to Damascus

JWisdom: 44 Years Without An Argument? by Sara Yoheved Rigler

June 3, 2008

Daniel Pipes: Obama vs. McCain on the Middle East

Everything's Relative: There is a crisis growing in Orthodox synagogues worldwide, reveals Jordan "Gorf" Gorfinkel

JWisdom: White Facades; Black Secrets by Rabbi Mordechai Becher

June 2, 2008

The Jewish Ethicist by Rabbi Dr. Asher Meir: Q: Lie to outsmart discriminator?

He writes the songs that make our souls sing:Gavriel Aryeh Sanders interviews Jewish music legend Ben Zion Shenker; includes stirring, uplifting song

JWisdom: Holocaust in the Perspective of Faith by Rabbi Nosson Scherman: Of laws and lives

March 22, 2007

J-Rhythms with Avraham Rosenblum: JWR's cutting-edge music program showcasing performers -- singers, song writers, musicians, and bands -- who learn and live the Torah lifestyle (OUR NEWEST IGODCAST !)

Oct. 29, 2003
Mortimer B. Zuckerman: Graffiti On History's Walls (MUST-READ!)

Jewish World Review Dec 13, 2007 / 4 Teves, 5768

Going (to lunch) once, going twice…

By Malcolm Fleschner


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http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | I remember being amused to discover that, during his marriage to Britney Spears, Kevin Federline's only personal source of income came from the $20,000 "celebrity" appearance fees he regularly charged for attending private parties. "I wonder how much you have to pay him not to come?" I recall thinking, before chuckling softly at my own cleverness.


These fees amount to mere chump change for K-Fed now, however - in the divorce settlement the former Mr. Spears reportedly received a lump sum payment of at least $1 million. Armed with this information - and a calculator - we can now conclusively determine that having Kevin Federline come into your life is worth exactly 1/50th what it costs to make him go away.


It turns out that celebrities charging party appearance fees is a common practice, with fees ranging from the hundreds of thousands demanded by A-listers like Justin Timberlake and 50 Cent to a few thousand dollars for mostly-forgotten sitcom actors of the '70s like Anson Williams, the guy who played Potsie on Happy Days. I know what you're thinking - all this time Potsie's been raking it in while you and I have been attending parties for free like a bunch of suckers!


Sadly, since the demand at most functions for non-famous attendees is pretty low, we regular folk must remain in the dark concerning our worth on the open market. Oh sure, friends and relatives may value you for your kindness and generosity, but such qualities don't easily translate into hard dollar amounts. You can't exactly fill your tank with gas and say to the attendant, "Well, I don't have any money, but I always remember people's birthdays, and last year when my neighbor was in the hospital with diverticulitis, I walked his Pekingese, 'Yum Yum,' every day."


These thoughts on the subject of personal worth occurred to me recently while attending a fundraising auction to benefit my son's preschool. Listed among the items up for bid, including various weekend getaways, goody baskets and (this is true) a self-portrait painted by an elephant, was a lunch date with a former star player for the San Francisco 49ers.


While the value of this item had been pegged at $500, I learned that last year, fevered bidding for the same lunch date had driven the final price up to $5,000. "Wow," I commented to another parent nearby. "He must be an even better conversationalist than he was a football player."


Much as I felt the $5,000 was going toward a worthy cause, I couldn't help but worry about the expectations such a high price placed on the former 49er to deliver a great dining experience. When someone pays $5,000 to eat with you, you can't exactly spend the whole meal absent-mindedly checking voicemail and looking at your watch. If I shelled out five grand for a meal with a star athlete, I'd expect him to arrive with, at a minimum, a trunkful of top-of-the-line autographed memorabilia, some insider tips to help me win my fantasy football pool and, in case the need ever arises, a spare kidney.


On the other hand, I thought, what if the high bidder turned out to be one of those blowhard sports fans who only attend sporting events to jeer at the players? That would make for an uncomfortable lunch, to say the least.


Former 49er: (to the waiter) "I'll have a cheeseburger please, medium rare."

High bidder; (shouting) "That order stinks, you jerk, and so do you!"

Former 49: "And a glass of iced tea, please."

High Bidder: (standing up) "Boooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!"


These concerns notwithstanding, I couldn't help but get caught up in the excitement of the auction, and cornered the school's director to express my availability for next year's event.


"You want to offer a lunch?" she asked, a little taken aback. "With you? That people would pay actual money for?"


"Of course not," I reassured her. I'm fully aware that "Eat lunch with a local humorist" sounds a lot like the punishment an unorthodox judge would hand down in an effort to "scare straight" a particularly troublesome repeat offender.


Instead, I explained, I was offering my services as a stand-in for the high bidder at an unpleasant or dreaded lunch date he or she would just as soon skip. The event in question wouldn't even have to be lunch - it could be dinner with the in-laws, an IRS audit, anger management class, a performance review with the boss, court-ordered drug test - pretty much any appointment someone would pay to get out of.


No doubt with images of looming parent meetings dancing in her head, the director agreed to think about it.


"If it sweetens the deal at all," I added, "for a few dollars more I bet I could even get Potsie from Happy Days to come with me."

Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here.

JWR contributor Malcolm Fleschner is a humor columnist for The DC Examiner. Let him know what you think by clicking here.


Previously:

11/28/07: Out with the old
11/06/07: My latest pet project
11/06/07: Can't tune it out
10/23/07: Something special in the hair
09/12/07: Can I have your attention, please?
09/12/07: Houston, we have an image problem
08/21/07: In the heat of fashion
08/09/07: Let's get in the game
06/13/07: You gonna eat that?
05/08/07: That's disinter-tainment
05/02/07:You Are (not) Getting Sleepy...
04/18/07: No time like Father Time
03/15/07: Deface the Nation
03/08/07: More gifts? You shouldn't have
02/22/07: Relationships can be such a chore
12/05/06: Who's calling the shots?
11/09/06: I'm taking selling to a whole new level
10/27/06: Some skills are beyond repair
10/18/06: You can't tech it with you
10/04/06: Award to the wise
08/24/06: Phrased and Confused
08/09/06: We're Gonna Party Like it's $19.99
07/19/06: Just Singing in the Brain
05/24/06: Who says you can't go home again?
05/11/06: When nightly news stories go off script
04/26/06: Cents and sensibility: A thought for your pennies
03/16/06: The day the Muzak died
02/23/06: Checkbook diplomacy begins at home
02/15/06: Today's toys: Where learning means earning



© 2006, Malcolm Fleschner

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