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Jewish World Review Dec. 15, 2006 / 24 Kislev, 5767 If I Did Overhear the O.J. Deal . . . Here's how it happened By Gene Weingarten
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | Now that O.J. Simpson's lurid, coy, quasi-confessional memoir — If I Did It— has been consigned to the wood chipper, scrapped along with the planned Fox TV interview called "If I Did It . . . Here's How It Happened," one question has yet to be satisfactorily answered: How did this strange book deal ever come to be? Though many people consider the supposedly detail-soaked, hypothetical memoir of a double murder to be the most disgusting and morally bankrupt manuscript since The Protocols of the Elders of Zion, others point out that it was also cynical, shameless and stupefyingly cruel. All we know for sure about its origins is that Judith Regan somehow persuaded O.J. to write it. Regan is the femme-fatale former National Enquirer reporter whose sleazy tactics have made her the most widely loathed book publisher in America. I'm not saying I was secretly recording the conversation. You will have to read the transcript below and judge for yourself whether I did it, which, if I did, I did using a PR-136-D 136-hour voice-activated Digital Phone/Room Recorder with 1 GB of memory and external-line microphone. Judith: The idea is that you will write a book in which you say how you would have committed the murders, if you had committed the murders. O.J.: But I didn't commit the murders. (Raucous male and female laughter. Gradually dies down. Honking, sniffing, blowing of noses, etc. ) Judith: Okay, then. So, my point is that you've thought about it a lot, and you know how you would have done it, down to blood-spurting details, right? O.J.: Yes. It wasn't spurting so much as squirting. With, like, a squish-floop-thud sort of thing. Judith: O.J.: Theoretically. Judith: Good. Good. That's the kind of hypothetical detail we're going for. O.J.: Also, like, you know when you're unclogging a toilet with a plumber's helper, and you got that schloof-schloof thing going, and suddenly . . . ? Judith: Splendid! Good! Okay! O.J.: Judith: Now, there will be a book tour, so we're going to have to go through a certain formality. O.J. Formality? Judith: We do it with all our authors. We're not permitted to proceed if you're going to sound odd or crazy. O.J.: I'm not odd or crazy. Judith: Of course not. But, just to check, we are going to do some word association, okay? I'll say a word, and you just say the first thing that pops into your mind. Okay? O.J.: Okay. Judith: "Pencil." O.J.: "Stab the cheating ho'." Judith:
O.J.: Judith: Okay! That's fine! O.J: Listen, you haven't told me what's in it for me. Judith: Well, we are going to pay you a lot of money. O.J.: Yeah, but see, every single penny I make is supposed to go to the families of the people I didn't savagely kill with a butcher knife while wearing gloves that didn't fit. Judith: Right. I totally understand that. You couldn't keep the money. So, really, you would have to do this simply for the joy of the creative experience. Plus, it would be an opportunity to atone financially for the crime you didn't commit. O.J.: Judith: Because the only alternative would be highly unethical, involving your hiding the money somehow. O.J.: Judith: Say, at Helvetian Savings and Loan, branch office 14 in Zurich. Ask for Lars. O.J.: Sounds good. There's only this one problem. My kids. Judith: Your kids? O.J.: Yeah. This might make them think . . . Well, you know. Judith: Hmm. O.J.: Yeah. I mean, that would be really, really an awful and heinous thing to do to the children. Judith: It's true. Also, I guess I do feel a little guilty about the unbelievable, revolting crassness of this whole multimillion-dollar project. So maybe we should just do the decent thing and forget it. (Raucous male and female laughter. Gradually dies down. Honking, sniffing, blowing of noses, etc. ) Judith: Okay, then. It's all set but the signatures. Right . . . here. And . . . here. And . . . here. My, that is a well-muscled forearm! Are you still working out? O.J.: Does it show? Judith: I'll say. O.J.: Judith: (Muffled sounds. Giggles. Grunts. ) Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here.
Gene Weingarten writes the Below the Beltway humor column for The Washington Post. To comment, please click here.
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