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April 9, 2014

Jonathan Tobin: Why Did Kerry Lie About Israeli Blame?

Samuel G. Freedman: A resolution 70 years later for a father's unsettling legacy of ashes from Dachau

Jessica Ivins: A resolution 70 years later for a father's unsettling legacy of ashes from Dachau

Kim Giles: Asking for help is not weakness

Kathy Kristof and Barbara Hoch Marcus: 7 Great Growth Israeli Stocks

Matthew Mientka: How Beans, Peas, And Chickpeas Cleanse Bad Cholesterol and Lowers Risk of Heart Disease

Sabrina Bachai: 5 At-Home Treatments For Headaches

The Kosher Gourmet by Daniel Neman Have yourself a matzo ball: The secrets bubby never told you and recipes she could have never imagined

April 8, 2014

Lori Nawyn: At Your Wit's End and Back: Finding Peace

Susan B. Garland and Rachel L. Sheedy: Strategies Married Couples Can Use to Boost Benefits

David Muhlbaum: Smart Tax Deductions Non-Itemizers Can Claim

Jill Weisenberger, M.S., R.D.N., C.D.E : Before You Lose Your Mental Edge

Dana Dovey: Coffee Drinkers Rejoice! Your Cup Of Joe Can Prevent Death From Liver Disease

Chris Weller: Electric 'Thinking Cap' Puts Your Brain Power Into High Gear

The Kosher Gourmet by Marlene Parrish A gift of hazelnuts keeps giving --- for a variety of nutty recipes: Entree, side, soup, dessert

April 4, 2014

Rabbi David Gutterman: The Word for Nothing Means Everything

Charles Krauthammer: Kerry's folly, Chapter 3

Amy Peterson: A life of love: How to build lasting relationships with your children

John Ericson: Older Women: Save Your Heart, Prevent Stroke Don't Drink Diet

John Ericson: Why 50 million Americans will still have spring allergies after taking meds

Cameron Huddleston: Best and Worst Buys of April 2014

Stacy Rapacon: Great Mutual Funds for Young Investors

Sarah Boesveld: Teacher keeps promise to mail thousands of former students letters written by their past selves

The Kosher Gourmet by Sharon Thompson Anyone can make a salad, you say. But can they make a great salad? (SECRETS, TESTED TECHNIQUES + 4 RECIPES, INCLUDING DRESSINGS)

April 2, 2014

Paul Greenberg: Death and joy in the spring

Dan Barry: Should South Carolina Jews be forced to maintain this chimney built by Germans serving the Nazis?

Mayra Bitsko: Save me! An alien took over my child's personality

Frank Clayton: Get happy: 20 scientifically proven happiness activities

Susan Scutti: It's Genetic! Obesity and the 'Carb Breakdown' Gene

Lecia Bushak: Why Hand Sanitizer May Actually Harm Your Health

Stacy Rapacon: Great Funds You Can Own for $500 or Less

Cameron Huddleston: 7 Ways to Save on Home Decor

The Kosher Gourmet by Steve Petusevsky Exploring ingredients as edible-stuffed containers (TWO RECIPES + TIPS & TECHINQUES)

Jewish World Review Dec. 5, 2006 / 14 Kislev, 5767

Who's calling the shots?

By Malcolm Fleschner


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http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | Hard as it may be to believe, cold and flu season is already upon us. I know, it seems like just yesterday we were crowning last season's cold and flu champion, but that's time for you.


As is tradition in our family, my wife commemorated the start of the season in the usual way - by badgering me about getting a flu shot. And, true to my role, I used unassailable logic to explain precisely why I should not do so.


"Why would I ever get a flu shot?" I asked, incredulous. "Isn't the point to keep from getting the flu? So why would it make any sense to go out and inject yourself with the very thing you're trying to avoid? Even I'm not that dumb."


As it turns out the shot is actually supposed to inoculate you from getting the flu which, I observed, makes it the most misleadingly-named product since Milwaukee's Best beer. Unwilling to be distracted into a discussion of this perfectly valid point, my wife added that since flu shots are often in short supply these days, I needed to get one as soon as possible.


In that case, I said, isn't it my duty as a moral, caring and compassionate person to step aside to allow others in greater need to enjoy the benefits of this potentially lifesaving injection that I don't want to get in the first place?


In the past these and other ploys - such as faking my death and assuming a new identity - have been sufficient to help me delay getting the dreaded shot until the season has passed or the stock of available shots ran out. Not this year. That's because last week my wife informed me that my father-in-law, a practicing physician, would be stopping by the house to deliver my flu shot personally. I got on the phone immediately to try to head him off.


"Dad, thanks so much, but you really don't have to bother. I've already made plans to take care of it myself," I said, thumbing through the new passport I'd just photoshopped together on my computer.


"Oh, it's no bother," he replied. "This is an important preventative health measure that will help you keep pounding the pavement for that real job you've been talking about getting for the past few years. Plus I've been waiting for a good reason to jab you with a sharp object for some time now. So it's a real win-win. And don't ever call me 'Dad.'"


So, much to my chagrin, my father-in-law showed up with the flu shot in hand. As a last-ditch effort I commented that it seemed improper for him to give me a shot in a non-sterile environment like my kitchen. Also that I'd never heard of anyone getting a flu shot in the neck before.


"Hey, who's the doctor here, me or you?" he responded, applying the full weight of his body to the knee he used to pin the back of my head to the floor.


So now it's a week later and, predictably enough, I'm sick. Which I wouldn't mind so much, except that with all the coughing and sneezing, I can barely get through an entire, "I hope you're happy now" each time my wife enters the room.


The other problem is that since I don't have a job, I can't take a sick day. Not that anyone actually skips work when they're sick any more. "As long as I'm going to be miserable, I might as well be at work," is the typical employee's attitude. So-called "sick days" are reserved for extraordinary circumstances, like half-price banana slammers day at the local tiki bar, or that occasional morning when you're feeling so frustrated with your boss and coworkers that the only way you're going into the office is with a dozen sticks of dynamite strapped to your chest.


But just because I don't have a "real" job right now doesn't mean I never will (despite what my father-in-law says). And in case I ever do land gainful employment, I'll need to be ready. Ready to call in sick, that is. Which is why I'm taking advantage of the fact that I currently have the throaty, tubercular cough of a dying chimney sweep in a Dickens novel to prerecord my "calling in sick" message.


This message came out so authentic-sounding, I've even recorded a range of others designed to get me out of every conceivable future social obligation, from weddings, bar mitzvahs and funerals to dental appointments, traffic school and interventions. In fact, I'm already planning to use the latest message I've recorded when I call my father-in-law this time next year to get out of having to endure another one of his flu shots.

Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here.

JWR contributor Malcolm Fleschner is a humor columnist for The DC Examiner. Let him know what you think by clicking here.


Previously:

11/09/06: I'm taking selling to a whole new level
10/27/06: Some skills are beyond repair
10/18/06: You can't tech it with you
10/04/06: Award to the wise
08/24/06: Phrased and Confused
08/09/06: We're Gonna Party Like it's $19.99
07/19/06: Just Singing in the Brain
05/24/06: Who says you can't go home again?
05/11/06: When nightly news stories go off script
04/26/06: Cents and sensibility: A thought for your pennies
03/16/06: The day the Muzak died
02/23/06: Checkbook diplomacy begins at home
02/15/06: Today's toys: Where learning means earning



© 2006, Malcolm Fleschner

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