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Jewish World Review Dec. 12, 2006 / 22 Kislev, 5767 Tis the season for chaos By Brad Dickson http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | Tis the season. The season for long lines, impatient people, and occasional news reports of fatal shootings over parking spaces. A season of greed, gluttony, and simmering rage as multitudes of Starbucks-fueled shoppers, many ill with colds and flu, battle it out for merchandise, while coughing, sneezing, sneering and cursing at one another. I want to make it clear, I enjoy the holidays. Ok, that was a lie. It seems like the politically correct thing to say. But you’ll have to excuse me, I just spent ninety minutes on a trip to the store that would normally have taken half an hour. After fighting heavy holiday traffic I made it to the retail establishment, one of those places where you pay to be a member so you can enjoy the privilege of spending 4.95 for a drum of shampoo that will last you through 2012. But that beats the alternative. Never a fan of malls, the last time I voluntarily went to one when I wasn’t staring at a birthday or holiday deadline they still featured organ stores. Now malls feature elaborate, tricked out food courts because Americans are so fat we can’t possibly walk fifty feet from Sears to the record store without stopping off for a slice of pizza and a half-gallon of Haagen-Daaz. So we shop, with pizza cheese running down our chins, crust dangling from our hair, our noses dripping onto for sale items, having to endure the inane “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” for the five millionth time, screaming into our cell phones to be heard over that repugnant dog barking “Jingle Bells.” If you have not been to a big city mall in mid to late December picture a European soccer riot if the rioters were less civilized and carrying brightly colored bags. A couple years ago a shopping mall Santa in California was fired for making an obscene gesture at a teenager who heckled him, and to me this sums up what this season has devolved into. I miss the old days when stores weren’t so crowded, things weren’t so commercialized and hectic and people weren’t so angry. I miss the days when store Santas were conscientious about their work, and little kids didn’t leave “ jolly” St. Nick’s lap screaming in bloody terror over the alcohol-fueled missives of an embittered man in a red suit, sending our tykes off to years of therapy. I miss the days when this country wasn’t as overpopulated and we could actually travel from Point A to Point B this time of year without encountering mass chaos. When people seemed happy during the holidays, when excitable, healthy children with their rosy red cheeks aglow ran up the mall down escalator. Now our children have piercings through their cheeks and are so obese they make it halfway up the down escalator before running out of breath and collapsing into fat, tattooed, illiterate heaps. I long for an era when people were considerate of one another and respectful of strangers. Now the stores are battlegrounds, domestic Fallujah’s, only the poison gas is dispensed by fake-smiling, Botoxed, Stepford women at perfume counters. I pine for a time when mall parking garages didn’t turn into demolition derbies and cacophonies of honking horns, screeching brakes, blasting stereos, car alarms and motorists who feel their rights have been violated shouting expletives in 13 languages and threatening to strangle one another with their “ Peace On Earth” bumper stickers. If malls were POW camps the U.N. Security Council would step in and shut them down for operating under inhumane conditions. I miss yesteryear when at least some folks did their Hanukkah and Christmas shopping early, and didn’t wait for the “biggest shopping day(s) of the year” when the stores basically turn into raging cauldrons of hate. There has to be a better way. I’ll be doing the rest of my shopping online. Scrooge was a visionary. Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here. Comment by clicking here. JWR contributor Brad Dickson was a monologue staff writer for The Tonight Show With Jay Leno for 13 years. His latest book, "Maybe Life's Just Not That Into You: When You feel Like the World's Voted You Off" will be out shortly. Click HERE to purchase it at a discount. (Sales help fund JWR.). Archives © 2006, Brad Dickson

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