Two weeks ago I happened upon a nifty little sponge that removes just about
anything from just about anywhere. I watched as a cleaning lady at a
department store instantly wiped away scuff marks on a wall with a product
called Magic Eraser.
As we stand poised to enter a new year, it strikes me as a shame that this
little sponge can't magically erase things besides scuffmarks. Such a
sponge could command a long line eager to put it into use.
At the front of the line would be President Bush who could use a truckload
of magic sponges to wipe away every terrorist, maniac and suicide bomber
that dots the globe, disrupting any possibility of "Peace of Earth, Good
Will toward Men.".
Former Representative Mark Foley could use a couple to clean up those dirty
instant messages he sent to Congressional pages.
Mel Gibson could erase the anti-Semitic tirade he unleashed earlier this
year and Kramer (actor and comedian Michael Richards) could obliterate his
potty mouth meltdown. With one swoosh John Kerry could make his barb about
the military instantly disappear. (The Heinz family should forget about
ketchup and invest in these sponges.)
Wipe! Swoosh! Be gone! If only our words could be made to disappear so
Katie Couric, who became anchor of CBS Evening News, could use a
few magic sponges to erase the show's sinking ratings. Then again, anyone
making $15 million a year can probably buy her own Magic Erasers.
A teen from Lapel, Ind., who recently filled her pockets with so
much stolen loot that her pants fell down when she tried to run, could use
a magic sponge to erase that entire day. Or at least the picture of her
backside now stored in the police officers' memories.
The sponge would no doubt be welcomed by a 21-year-old Sheboygan,
Wis., gal of similar intelligence who tried to pass a counterfeit $20 bill
at a gas station -- the back of the bill was blank. Maybe a Magic Eraser
had already hit it.
The magic sponge could wipe out the embarrassment of a woman in
Waterville, Maine, who told police someone had sabotaged her washing
machine. An investigation found the machine had been shaking due to an
imbalanced laundry load.
Speaking of unbalanced, why not offer several sponges to the publishing
hacks prodding O.J. Simpson to do a book.
Pluto fans might like to wipe away the decision that stripped their beloved
Pluto of planethood. POW! Pluto finds itself once again next to Uranus in
the official line-up.
Personally, I could use a magic sponge to erase a few blobs of guilt that
stick to me like pine sap. I also wouldn't mind wiping away a stubborn
streak of impatience that threatens to follow me into yet another year.
What's more, I could use a sponge to tackle some unkind thoughts, harsh
words and snap judgments I made during past year. SWOOSH!
Before my sponge is completely exhausted, I'd like to rub out every
shoulda, woulda, coulda that haunts me like the Ghost of New Year's Past. I
know there are things I shoulda, coulda, woulda done but the fact is I
didn't. Hit 'em little sponge. BAM!
A magic sponge that can cause the old things to pass away so that new
things might come is a great way to begin another year.
Here's to finding such a sponge until then, may your scuffmarks be few.