Jewish World Review Dec. 27, 2003 / 1 Teves, 5764
Your Checklist Of Football Cliches
'Tis the season to dull all your senses by watching football bowl games. In the past, there were only a few ways to know if you've been watching too many games and should turn off the television: either you realize that your last three meals have consisted of food you've found between the cushions of the couch, the phone rings and you answer it, "defense wins ballgames," or you suddenly notice that the rest of your family packed up and moved out of the house about a day-and-a-half ago. However, there is finally a way to know that you've had too much football before it's too late. It's called the LGBS the Lloyd Garver Bowl System.
All you have to do is print out the following list of football clichés, attempts at cleverness, and "obviousisms." Then check them off as you hear each of them. When you have heard them all, it's time to quit. Obviously, a second party who doesn't want to lose a loved one to an overdose of bowl games can also do the checking.
If we can just take their minds off the danger and seriousness of what they are pursuing, even for a few hours, then we have done our job.
This might not be the Sugar Bowl, but to these kids, this is the biggest game of the year.
Today we're going to see just how smart those computers are.
He's listed at 320, but that's before breakfast.
It's a pretty simple game. All you have to do is score more points than the other guys.
There are only five minutes left, but in football, five minutes is a lifetime.
He's not just fast, he's quick.
Considering what this young man has been through in his short lifetime, he is truly an inspiration.
I don't think we'll ever see a playoff system in college football.
We'll be seeing a playoff system in college football before too long.
There are only three minutes left, but in football, three minutes is a lifetime.
The officials take a lot of criticism, but they usually get it right.
Momentum has definitely shifted.
It all comes down to which team wants to win it more.
He has great speed and strength, but more importantly, he has something great right behind the ribs.
Let's hope his legal problems are behind him.
There's no quit in this team.
I would have gone for the field goal, but maybe that's why I'm up here and the coaches are down there.
His biggest cheerleader is that little kid in the hospital, and he is that little kid's biggest cheerleader.
I know it's a felony, but I think of it more as just boys being boys.
It's a shame somebody has to lose this game.
You gotta go home with who brung you to the dance.
They're no longer playing to win. Now they're playing not to lose.
There are only two minutes left, but in football, two minutes is a lifetime.
This might be a mismatch on paper, but they don't play the game on paper.
It's only a yard, but it's a long yard.
If this game goes into overtime, either team could win.
Okay, if you have checked all of the above statements, turn off the television immediately even if you're in the middle of an exciting game. Well, I guess you could just watch the end of that one game. After all, "there is no tomorrow."
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JWR contributor Lloyd Garver has written for many television shows, ranging from "Sesame
Street" to "Family Ties" to "Frasier." He has also read many books, some of
them in hardcover. Comment by clicking here. Visit his website by clicking here.
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© 2003, Lloyd Garver