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Jewish World Review Thank heaven it's Black Friday By Jim Mullen http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | I stuffed an extra bottle of pepper spray in my coat pocket and patted myself down to make sure I hadn't forgotten to bring my brass knuckles, nunchucks and a blackjack. My fingernails were filed to sharp points, and I wore steel-toed boots and a Kevlar vest. Was I totally prepared for this mission? Would I make it back in one piece? I considered adding football pads, but they might have caused more problems than they solved in a tight space. I did go with wrist guards and knee braces. I double-checked my pockets and ran through the checklist in my head. Good thing; I almost forgot my shopping list. That would have been a rookie mistake -- to go Black Friday shopping without a list. On that path lies certain death. Full of the Black Friday spirit, I headed to the mall. It wouldn't be light yet for four hours, the perfect time to scout the place, to check the perimeter, to plan my parking, to take the high ground before the enemy takes the field. Too late! The parking lot was full! And no cars were leaving. There were cars in front of me and behind me. None of them could park, and none of them could leave. If I stopped for even half a second, the horns started to blow, followed by insults shouted out open car windows. Each time I thought I'd found a space, it turned out to be just a very small car. How, I wondered, were they ever going to get a giant wall-size TV in that dinky little thing? Why, oh why, didn't I think to bring a tank? I could have parked it on top of that little tin can. It took me an hour to find a spot in Overflow Parking Lot No. 3. Then I had to wait for the shuttle bus to get me back to the mall. By the time I got there, it looked like New Year's Eve in Times Square. I considered coming back the next week, but I knew I'd be taking the chance that all the good stuff would be gone. Everyone knows the only time the stores are full of merchandise is the day after Thanksgiving. After that, they are totally empty, stripped to the bare walls. When I thought of the faces of all the disappointed children who would get nothing if I didn't get inside and buy myself a 60-inch TV for 30 percent off and then spend a few bucks on some silly trinkets for the kids on the way out, I nearly started to cry. Suddenly, I was filled with the true meaning of Christmas shopping. I reached under my coat and felt for my Taser. I'd blast the grandma pushing the stroller in front of me, and in the ensuing panic I'd move to the head of the line. I pressed it into her neck and pulled the trigger. Nothing. I forgot to charge it. It was totally depleted. I'd forgotten how much I must have used it working down at the collection agency. You wouldn't believe how many people haven't finished paying for the stuff they bought last Black Friday. Grandma turned around and bit my trigger finger while alternately kicking me in the groin and punching my face. Grandma turned out to be a he, and the stroller was just a prop to gain sympathy. It wasn't working. The day hadn't gone the way he planned, either. No one seemed to notice our little dustup; they were all on their iPhones trying to find deals on newer and better iPhones or squabbling among themselves for a better spot in line. This was getting out of hand. I didn't see any store security at all. Then it hit me -- all I had to do next year was buy a security guard's uniform. I could walk down the line telling people to calm down and keep order, walk right up to the front door as the store opened and enter in front of all the people who had waited all night. Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here. Comment by clicking here. Jim Mullen is the author of "It Takes a Village Idiot: Complicating the Simple Life" and "Baby's First Tattoo." Previously: Planning for the long term ---- tomorrow READING THIS WILL MAKE YOU THIN AND HAPPY! The Seven Secrets of Success It's tough living off the gridIt's tough living off the grid How not to clean the houseIt's tough living off the grid The yellow badge of cowardice Any way you slice it Home sweet homeschooling Don't Head for the Borders Money ball Golf and death go hand in hand Tune in, turn off, unplug The radar curtain Is Steve Jobs clouding my privacy? The gift of garbage Johnny Intern, Ph.D. Twenty-foot fences make good neighbors You must remember this… TV experts and real news Hey caller, where's the fire? My sad cushy life Pacemaker, don't you mess around with me Big Brother is skinny Flight of the snowbirds This HDTV needs child support Dear Future: Where's the dome? Not so elementary, my dear Watson A vacation revolution Your call is very unimportant to us Life: There's no app for that Bam! Practical kitchen magic Poisoning myself Ban Huck Finn in schools --- even the sanitized version! $38,000 for traffic and weather updates 2011 Predictions: Nostradamus was a hack 2010: A year of annoying junk Why do bad things happen to stupid people? Moving on from movie theaters Money never sleeps, but it does pass out President Trump kept it classy Stalking your college kid won't change a thing Putting my life in ‘Jeopardy’ Mo' government, mo' problems iLostIt Dressed for excess Expert tease The mysteries of Jersey ‘You are a toilet, where am I?’ Don't we all cheat at the game of life? What happens when I forget where Google is? Don't let the doorman hit you on the way out Picasso fiasco Purple (hair) ‘Daze’ Let me hear your body talk Working from work Babies deserve clean restrooms, too 3-year-old bear-killers are a thing of the past Money-making ideas on the fly Collecting and hoarding Chain of fools Please come pick up your acting awards, ESPN commentators, you've earned them You've been superpoked by the U.S. gov't e-Readin', e-Writin' and e-Rithmatic A pose by any other name Warning: Column contains 2010 spoilers ‘He loves only gold, only gold’ Think about direction, wonder why … Flushing your money down a diamond-studded toilet More like ‘wack’ Friday The good, the ad and the ugly The desert of the real Let books be large and in charge I was insulting people way before the Internet GPS drill sergeant: Left, right, left! Butterfly in the sky, you make winds go twice as high Music to my ears it's not You don't light up my life Fair or not: Country living is far from ‘Little House’ A parable for the ‘ages’ Top 100 Cable news stories of the century Green dumb A developing story Thinking outside the lunch box What's good for the goose is good for the scanner Newspapers will survive, but network TV? A really big show of generation gaps When pigs flu The reports of our decline have been greatly exaggerated Mergers and admonitions Invest in gold: little, yellow, different Stuck in Folsom Penthouse Collecting karma Setting loose the creative ‘juice’ It's all in the numbers You're damaging your brain with practical skills The real rat pack The unspeakable luxury of the Park-O-Matic Gross-ery shopping © 2009, NEA

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