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April 9, 2014

Jonathan Tobin: Why Did Kerry Lie About Israeli Blame?

Samuel G. Freedman: A resolution 70 years later for a father's unsettling legacy of ashes from Dachau

Jessica Ivins: A resolution 70 years later for a father's unsettling legacy of ashes from Dachau

Kim Giles: Asking for help is not weakness

Kathy Kristof and Barbara Hoch Marcus: 7 Great Growth Israeli Stocks

Matthew Mientka: How Beans, Peas, And Chickpeas Cleanse Bad Cholesterol and Lowers Risk of Heart Disease

Sabrina Bachai: 5 At-Home Treatments For Headaches

The Kosher Gourmet by Daniel Neman Have yourself a matzo ball: The secrets bubby never told you and recipes she could have never imagined

April 8, 2014

Lori Nawyn: At Your Wit's End and Back: Finding Peace

Susan B. Garland and Rachel L. Sheedy: Strategies Married Couples Can Use to Boost Benefits

David Muhlbaum: Smart Tax Deductions Non-Itemizers Can Claim

Jill Weisenberger, M.S., R.D.N., C.D.E : Before You Lose Your Mental Edge

Dana Dovey: Coffee Drinkers Rejoice! Your Cup Of Joe Can Prevent Death From Liver Disease

Chris Weller: Electric 'Thinking Cap' Puts Your Brain Power Into High Gear

The Kosher Gourmet by Marlene Parrish A gift of hazelnuts keeps giving --- for a variety of nutty recipes: Entree, side, soup, dessert

April 4, 2014

Rabbi David Gutterman: The Word for Nothing Means Everything

Charles Krauthammer: Kerry's folly, Chapter 3

Amy Peterson: A life of love: How to build lasting relationships with your children

John Ericson: Older Women: Save Your Heart, Prevent Stroke Don't Drink Diet

John Ericson: Why 50 million Americans will still have spring allergies after taking meds

Cameron Huddleston: Best and Worst Buys of April 2014

Stacy Rapacon: Great Mutual Funds for Young Investors

Sarah Boesveld: Teacher keeps promise to mail thousands of former students letters written by their past selves

The Kosher Gourmet by Sharon Thompson Anyone can make a salad, you say. But can they make a great salad? (SECRETS, TESTED TECHNIQUES + 4 RECIPES, INCLUDING DRESSINGS)

April 2, 2014

Paul Greenberg: Death and joy in the spring

Dan Barry: Should South Carolina Jews be forced to maintain this chimney built by Germans serving the Nazis?

Mayra Bitsko: Save me! An alien took over my child's personality

Frank Clayton: Get happy: 20 scientifically proven happiness activities

Susan Scutti: It's Genetic! Obesity and the 'Carb Breakdown' Gene

Lecia Bushak: Why Hand Sanitizer May Actually Harm Your Health

Stacy Rapacon: Great Funds You Can Own for $500 or Less

Cameron Huddleston: 7 Ways to Save on Home Decor

The Kosher Gourmet by Steve Petusevsky Exploring ingredients as edible-stuffed containers (TWO RECIPES + TIPS & TECHINQUES)

Jewish World Review

Thank heaven it's Black Friday

By Jim Mullen




http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | I stuffed an extra bottle of pepper spray in my coat pocket and patted myself down to make sure I hadn't forgotten to bring my brass knuckles, nunchucks and a blackjack. My fingernails were filed to sharp points, and I wore steel-toed boots and a Kevlar vest.

Was I totally prepared for this mission? Would I make it back in one piece? I considered adding football pads, but they might have caused more problems than they solved in a tight space. I did go with wrist guards and knee braces. I double-checked my pockets and ran through the checklist in my head. Good thing; I almost forgot my shopping list. That would have been a rookie mistake -- to go Black Friday shopping without a list. On that path lies certain death.

Full of the Black Friday spirit, I headed to the mall. It wouldn't be light yet for four hours, the perfect time to scout the place, to check the perimeter, to plan my parking, to take the high ground before the enemy takes the field.

Too late! The parking lot was full! And no cars were leaving. There were cars in front of me and behind me. None of them could park, and none of them could leave. If I stopped for even half a second, the horns started to blow, followed by insults shouted out open car windows. Each time I thought I'd found a space, it turned out to be just a very small car. How, I wondered, were they ever going to get a giant wall-size TV in that dinky little thing? Why, oh why, didn't I think to bring a tank? I could have parked it on top of that little tin can.

It took me an hour to find a spot in Overflow Parking Lot No. 3. Then I had to wait for the shuttle bus to get me back to the mall.

By the time I got there, it looked like New Year's Eve in Times Square. I considered coming back the next week, but I knew I'd be taking the chance that all the good stuff would be gone. Everyone knows the only time the stores are full of merchandise is the day after Thanksgiving. After that, they are totally empty, stripped to the bare walls. When I thought of the faces of all the disappointed children who would get nothing if I didn't get inside and buy myself a 60-inch TV for 30 percent off and then spend a few bucks on some silly trinkets for the kids on the way out, I nearly started to cry.

Suddenly, I was filled with the true meaning of Christmas shopping. I reached under my coat and felt for my Taser. I'd blast the grandma pushing the stroller in front of me, and in the ensuing panic I'd move to the head of the line.

I pressed it into her neck and pulled the trigger. Nothing. I forgot to charge it. It was totally depleted. I'd forgotten how much I must have used it working down at the collection agency. You wouldn't believe how many people haven't finished paying for the stuff they bought last Black Friday.

Grandma turned around and bit my trigger finger while alternately kicking me in the groin and punching my face. Grandma turned out to be a he, and the stroller was just a prop to gain sympathy.

It wasn't working. The day hadn't gone the way he planned, either. No one seemed to notice our little dustup; they were all on their iPhones trying to find deals on newer and better iPhones or squabbling among themselves for a better spot in line. This was getting out of hand. I didn't see any store security at all.

Then it hit me -- all I had to do next year was buy a security guard's uniform. I could walk down the line telling people to calm down and keep order, walk right up to the front door as the store opened and enter in front of all the people who had waited all night.

Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here.

Comment by clicking here.

Jim Mullen is the author of "It Takes a Village Idiot: Complicating the Simple Life" and "Baby's First Tattoo."


Previously:


Planning for the long term ---- tomorrow
READING THIS WILL MAKE YOU THIN AND HAPPY!
The Seven Secrets of Success
It's tough living off the gridIt's tough living off the grid
How not to clean the houseIt's tough living off the grid The yellow badge of cowardice
Any way you slice it
Home sweet homeschooling
Don't Head for the Borders
Money ball
Golf and death go hand in hand
Tune in, turn off, unplug
The radar curtain
Is Steve Jobs clouding my privacy?
The gift of garbage
Johnny Intern, Ph.D.
Twenty-foot fences make good neighbors
You must remember this…
TV experts and real news
Hey caller, where's the fire?
My sad cushy life
Pacemaker, don't you mess around with me
Big Brother is skinny
Flight of the snowbirds
This HDTV needs child support
Dear Future: Where's the dome?
Not so elementary, my dear Watson
A vacation revolution
Your call is very unimportant to us
Life: There's no app for that
Bam! Practical kitchen magic
Poisoning myself
Ban Huck Finn in schools --- even the sanitized version!
$38,000 for traffic and weather updates
2011 Predictions: Nostradamus was a hack
2010: A year of annoying junk
Why do bad things happen to stupid people?
Moving on from movie theaters
Money never sleeps, but it does pass out
President Trump kept it classy
Stalking your college kid won't change a thing
Putting my life in ‘Jeopardy’
Mo' government, mo' problems
iLostIt
Dressed for excess
Expert tease
The mysteries of Jersey
‘You are a toilet, where am I?’
Don't we all cheat at the game of life?
What happens when I forget where Google is?
Don't let the doorman hit you on the way out
Picasso fiasco
Purple (hair) ‘Daze’
Let me hear your body talk
Working from work
Babies deserve clean restrooms, too
3-year-old bear-killers are a thing of the past
Money-making ideas on the fly
Collecting and hoarding
Chain of fools
Please come pick up your acting awards, ESPN commentators, you've earned them
You've been superpoked by the U.S. gov't
e-Readin', e-Writin' and e-Rithmatic
A pose by any other name
Warning: Column contains 2010 spoilers
‘He loves only gold, only gold’
Think about direction, wonder why …
Flushing your money down a diamond-studded toilet
More like ‘wack’ Friday
The good, the ad and the ugly
The desert of the real
Let books be large and in charge
I was insulting people way before the Internet
GPS drill sergeant: Left, right, left!
Butterfly in the sky, you make winds go twice as high
Music to my ears it's not
You don't light up my life
Fair or not: Country living is far from ‘Little House’
A parable for the ‘ages’
Top 100 Cable news stories of the century
Green dumb
A developing story
Thinking outside the lunch box
What's good for the goose is good for the scanner
Newspapers will survive, but network TV?
A really big show of generation gaps
When pigs flu
The reports of our decline have been greatly exaggerated
Mergers and admonitions
Invest in gold: little, yellow, different
Stuck in Folsom Penthouse
Collecting karma
Setting loose the creative ‘juice’
It's all in the numbers
You're damaging your brain with practical skills
The real rat pack
The unspeakable luxury of the Park-O-Matic
Gross-ery shopping



© 2009, NEA

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