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Jewish World Review Nov. 23, 2005 / 21 Mar-Cheshvan, 5766 Testing Mom's wisdom By David Grimes http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | Now that British researchers have determined that "catching a chill" really does help colds develop, I thought it might be interesting to test some of Mom's other favorite sayings to see how they have withstood the test of time. A little soap and water never killed anybody. Blatantly untrue. In 1996, Herman Figgingbotham inhaled a concentrated slurry of water and Palmolive Gold and died an excruciating death. The fact that Figgingbotham was a manic-depressive and had been trying, with no luck, to kill himself for years is of no importance. Today's moms advise: "A moist towelette applied in a judicious manner will seldom lead to fatal outcomes." Always wear clean underwear in case you get in an accident. Pure nonsense. The last thing you should be worrying about after you've been in an accident is the spotlessness of your Fruit of the Looms. "I'm sorry, ma'am. I know you two have been married for 50 years but we refused to resuscitate your husband because we noticed that he had a small stain on the backside of his shorts. Please accept our deepest regrets and a complimentary box of Tide." Don't run with scissors in your hand. Probably good advice, but you've got to think that children who spend a lot of time running around with scissors in their hands have larger issues going on. Like maybe your son is not so much artistically inclined as he is predisposed to homicidal urges. We suggest counseling, and soon. If it were a snake it would have bitten you. What kind of image is this to place in the mind of a child? That the house is lousy with asps and cottonmouths? Life is scary enough when you're a kid without imagining that a cobra is going to launch itself at your neck every time you have difficulty locating the mustard jar in the refrigerator. If you're too full to finish your dinner you're too full for dessert. This is not necessarily true. Something strange can and often does happen to a child's digestive system sometime between the time when the last lima bean is pushed across the plate and the time that the chocolate cake is served. Mothers have no way of knowing when a child's stomach has achieved "fullness" and therefore should cease speculating upon it. If everyone jumped off a cliff would you do it too? Possibly. Peer-group pressure can be a very powerful thing. It also depends on the height of the cliff and the surface that you will be landing upon below. A jump off a 3-foot cliff into a cool lake is quite different from jumping off a 1,000-foot cliff onto jagged rocks. Moms too often fail to thoroughly assess a situation. You have enough dirt behind those ears to grow potatoes. Almost always an exaggeration. I cannot say, precisely, how much dirt is required to grow a baking-size potato, but I'm willing to bet it's more than you'll find behind the ears of your average unwashed 8-year-old. Button mushrooms, maybe, but a full-sized Idaho? Almost certainly an overstatement. Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here. JWR contributor David Grimes is a columnist for The Sarasota Herald Tribune. Comment by clicking here. Archives © 2005, Sarasota Herald Tribune

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