If you have never been to Disneyland, never flown first class, or ridden in a limousine, stop reading now, as this column is about a pair of turkeys who recently did all three.
In a move that shocked the Universe, last week President Bush pardoned the National Thanksgiving turkeys, Marshmallow and
Yam, who received their names after thousands of children voted on a White House web site, which is undoubtedly the same way
Scooter Libby got his name. The turkeys were then whisked to the airport in a motorcade, flown to L.A., and introduced to their new
home at Santa's Reindeer Ranch, an attraction at Disneyland. They also served as grand marshals at a Disneyland
Thanksgiving parade.
In a normal year, post pardon the National Turkeys are sent to a petting zoo near Washington called Frying Pan Park, but
after an earnest letter writing campaign by PETA this year the turkeys went to Disneyland.
What lessons can be derived from this? For starters, that in order to receive humane treatment and relocation assistance from
the federal government, all Hurricane Katrina victims have to do is dress up in turkey costumes.
Beyond that, we can ponder the irony that the turkeys were flown to L.A. on United Airlines, meaning that for the first time in
years there was an in-flight meal on United, only it was seated in First Class.
Of course the turkeys were flown first class, as conditions in coach on a commercial airliner are worse than the conditions at
any petting zoo, flying them coach would defeat the purpose.
But is it a humanistic act to allow the turkeys to be grand marshals of a parade? Have we not learned anything from the
Macy's parade, where BMDs (Balloons of Mass Destruction) careen out of control as horrified citizens dash to safety to avoid
enormous spiraling balls of compressed hot air that are toppling street lamps like so many dominos? Instead of CIA assassination
squads and manless drones that can fire missiles from three miles in space with deadly, pinpoint accuracy, to better do away with
bin laden we ought to send a Cat in the Hat float into the mountains of Afghanistan, with an M & M balloon flying reconnaissance.
If these billionaires who insist on flying around the world in hot air balloons are really so courageous let them prove their mettle
by doing it instead atop a Bullwinkle float. Then I will take notice.
If there's news footage of Richard Branson landing in New Guinea hanging from a Yosemite Sam float, I will finally salute
Mr Branson for responsible use of his time and money.
Reportedly the National White House Turkeys are chosen after a rigorous elimination process of qualified birds, as opposed
to, say, selecting Supreme Court nominees, where names from the white pages are randomly drawn out of a hat.
Thus, as these are the finest turkeys available, they are treated just like kings, that is, if kings were placed inside a fence at
an amusement park where Japanese tourists tossed them food scraps all day long.
And now these birds have what many Americans, and all reality show contestants, crave celebrity-hood. Instant fame. For
no real reason. These aren't just any old turkeys now, they're Marshmallow and Yam, sort of like Paris and Nicole, the only
differences being that Marshmallow and Yam wear more clothing, weigh more, and have slightly larger vocabularies.
So here's to the feathered Washington DC evacuees. I hope your stay in the Los Angeles area is a good one, and that you
adjust to the city faster than I have. (Been here fourteen years and it still feels like a foreign country.)
I can't say I really envy you. I've visited Disneyland, and the thought of spending seven days a week listening to
"It's A Small World" as runny nosed youngsters adorned in plastic rodent ears scream your name makes a place called
Frying Pan Park actually sound appealing.
