JWR Schticks and groans

Home
In this issue
May 22, 2013

John Thorne: They launched the 'Arab Spring' but now yearn for the good old days of a strongman

John Rosemond: 'Disciplinary math' adds up to parental successl

Warren Richey: Are prayers before public meetings OK? Supreme Court to decide
Rick Montgomery: Use of ADHD drugs as study aid raises concern on campuses

Brierley Wright, M.S., R.D.: 6 convincing reasons you should keep carbs in your diet

Eoin O'Carroll: Scientists examine nothing, find something

The Kosher Gourmet by Carole Kotkin: This soup is made from one of the great pleasures of spring: A wonderful pairing of rosy color and earthy tang

May 20, 2013

Richard A. Serrano: Is Meir Kahane's assassin now a changed man?

Hannan Adely: Town raises Palestinian flag at City Hall

Melissa Healy: Genetic copies of living people from embryos no longer science fiction
Morgan Housel: When smart investors do stupid things

Sharon Saloman, M.S., R.D.: Hunger games: Eat more, weigh less, without starving

Jewz in the Newz by Nate Bloom : Jews Inducted into Rock Hall of Fame; Anton Yelchin co-stars in New "Trek" film; Kutcher (but not Kunis) visits Israel; Jewish TV Star Praises Jewish Rap Star

The Kosher Gourmet by Cathy Pollak: WARNING: This WALNUT CAKE WITH PRALINE FROSTING, perfect for afternoon coffee, is addicting

May 13, 2013

Rabbi Nathan Lopes Cardozo: Why the giving of the document that would permanently change the world could only be done in desolation

David G. Savage: Church-state, literally? Supreme Court weighing public school graduation in a church

Emily Alpert: Recession dragged down birth rates for less-educated women
Morgan Housel: The deep downside of home ownership

Peter Teffer: Will Dutch police soon be stalking cybercriminals on your computer?

Heidi McIndoo, M.S., R.D.: Meatless 'meat' can have its own set of problems

The Kosher Gourmet by Diane Rossen Worthington: Celebrate! This must-try appetizer is delicate yet has depth of flavor: Corn-Leek Cakes with Caviar, Smoked Salmon and Creme Fraiche

May 10, 2013

Rabbi Berel Wein: Be all that you should be

Caroline B. Glick: The dirty little secret about Israel's Arabs

Mona Charen: Hawking's Moral Calculus: The man and the movement he embraces
Morgan Housel: The biggest retirement myth ever told

Sandi Doughton: Eyes may provide new insight into brain problems

Jewz in the Newz by Nate Bloom : The Great Gatsby's Jewish Ties; Jews in the "Time 100 list" List; People's Most Beautiful Women

The Kosher Gourmet by Linda Gassenheimer: A sweet-hot meal: Pear salsa spices up salmon

May 8, 2013

Peter Ford: Why China is welcoming both Israel's Netanyahu and Palestinians' Abbas

Warren Richey: Obama administration quietly backs out of appeal over new contraceptive mandate

Fred Weir: At Kerry-Putin meeting, US-Russia relations thaw --- a tad
Amanda Paulson: Study reveals sad truths about community colleges

Harvard Health Letters: Evidence weak that zinc, echinacea are beneficial

The Kosher Gourmet by Leela Cyd Ross : Almost too pretty to eat, this colorful salad with Sicilian inspiration will tickle the taste buds and delight your visual sensibility

May 6, 2013

Edmund Sanders and Patrick J. McDonnell: Think Israel's objective in Syria is to weaken Assad or embolden the rebels? Think again

Brian Bennett: Israeli airstrikes may show weakness in Syrian defense

Michael Ollove: Millions of ex-felons, parolees and those on probation are about to be entitled to tax-payer paid health coverage
Karen Kaplan: Most men can skip PSA test for prostate cancer, urologists say

Kimberly Lankford: How to track down a lost life insurance policy

Dream of Mars exploration achievable, experts say

The Kosher Gourmet by Susan M. Selasky: EGGPLANT WRAPS are an easy, sumptuous and scrumptious meal

May 3, 2013

Rabbi Nathan Lopes Cardozo: Human Courage and the Unavoidable, Disturbing Text

Steven Emerson: Attorney General Fights CAIR in Court, Lauds it in Public

Mediterranean diet helps beat dementia: study
Harvard Health Letters: When to be screened for a hearing problem

Jewz in the Newz by Nate Bloom : Iron Man's Jewish Connections; Marc Maron's New TV Show; Martin Landau Grows Up with Israel; Shalom, Allan Arbus

The Kosher Gourmet by Diane Rossen Worthington: A sweet surprise for Mother's Day dessert

May 1, 2013

Jonathan Rosenblum: An Improbable Journey to Orthodoxy

Jonathan Tobin: Blame Obama, Not Israel for Syria Push

Kids, kittens the Same? With employee perks at struggling Internet pioneer Yahoo! it's hard to tell
Halena M. Gazelka, M.D.: Mayo Clinic Medical Edge: What you need to know about implanted pain relief devices

Sandy Kleffman: Artificial kidney offers hope to patients tethered to a dialysis machine

Jessica Shugart: When it comes to math, MRIs may be better than IQs

The Kosher Gourmet by Mario Batali: The celebrated chef on how high-maintenance ASPARAGUS RISOTTO need not be

April 29, 2013

Roy Gutman: Poland's new Jewish museum celebrates life, doesn't revisit Holocaust

Mark Clayton: Terrorism in America: Is US missing a chance to learn from failed plots?

Kim Murphy: Boston Bomber's 'Svengali' Revealed
Morgan Housel: He's rich, smart and old: Listen to him

Thomas Salinas, D.D.S.: Mayo Clinic Medical Edge: The safety of amalgam fillings

Harvard Health Letters: Tomatoes and stroke protection

Pete Spotts: Tiny satellites + cellphones = cheaper 'eyes in the sky' for NASA

The Kosher Gourmet by Diane Rossen Worthington: Swing into spring with lemon cream pie

April 26, 2013

Rabbi Abraham J. Twerski: The world is a mirror

Caroline B. Glick: Time to confront Obama

Clifford D. May: Defense in the Age of Jihadist Terrorism
Kimberly Lankford: New strategies ease pain of paying for long-term care insurance

Howard LeWine, M.D.: Ask the Harvard Experts: Too much ibuprofen?

Sharon Palmer, R.D.: How to feel your best -- with plenty of energy, a healthy weight and optimal mental and physical function -- without driving yourself batty

Jewz in the Newz by Nate Bloom: Jewish Major Leaguers, 2013; New Movies and Comedy Show; Shalom, 'Lumpy' (Leave it to Beaver)

The Kosher Gourmet by Emily Ho : A bright and cheerful salad to herald the warmer months ahead

April 24, 2013

Steven Emerson: Boston Bomber Exposes Islamist Secret

Morgan Housel Admit it: No one has any idea what's going on
Harvard Health Letters: Can you get headaches from headache medication?

Kerri-Ann Jennings, M.S., R.D.: How to easily get more Omega-3s in your diet

Melissa Healy: Pot in a pill: All the pain relief without the smoke

The Kosher Gourmet by Susan Russo: Chipotle Chili Butternut Squash Soup is bold, zesty, hot

April 22, 2013

Ken Dilanian: Counterterrorism's future is unclear

US man departing country arrested on terror charges
Barbara Williams: An unorthodox but growing treatment in a 9-year-old's battle against cancer

P.J. Skerrett, M.D.: How to recognize a good whole grain product

Jewz in the Newz by Nate Bloom: Teen actor Jonah Bobo in New Flick: Hunky James Wolk on Mad Men; Erich Segal's Daughter Writes Prize-Winning Jewish Novel


Jewish World Review Nov. 8, 2004 / 25 Mar-Cheshvan, 5765

The Monty Python Dead Parrot Sketch with Minor Corrections

By Steven Plaut


OK, OK, it's bad form to celebrate an enemy's downfall. But cut us some slack. The man was a mass murderer



Printer Friendly Version

Email this article



http://www.jewishworldreview.com | Abu Mazen: Hello, I wish to register a complaint . . . Hello? Miss?

Suha: What do you mean, miss?

Abu Mazen: Oh, I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint.

Suha: Sorry, we're closing for lunch. I need to shop in Paris for 400 new shoes.

Abu Mazen: Never mind that my lad, I wish to complain about this Rais what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique. You promised me a live terrorist!

Suha: Oh yes, the Jihad Green one. What's wrong with it?

Abu Mazen: I'll tell you what's wrong with it. It's dead, that's what's wrong with it.

Suha: No, no it's resting, look!

Abu Mazen: Look my lad, I know a dead terrorist when I see one and I'm looking at one right now.

Suha: No, no sir, it's not dead. It's resting.

Abu Mazen: Resting?

Suha: Yeah, remarkable bird the Jihad Green, beautiful plumage, innit?

Abu Mazen: The plumage don't enter into it -- it's stone dead.

Suha: No, no -- it's just resting.

Abu Mazen: All right then, if it's resting I'll wake it up. (shouts into cage) Hello Abu Amar! I've got a nice cuttlefish for you when you wake up, Abu Amar!

Suha: (Jogging cage) There it moved.

Donate to JWR


Abu Mazen: No he didn't. That was you pushing the cage.

Suha: I did not.

Abu Mazen: Yes, you did. (takes terrorist out of cage, shouts) Hello Abu Abu (bangs it against counter) Polly Abu, wake up. Abu (throws it in the air and lets it fall to the floor) Now that's what I call a dead terrorist.

Suha: No, no it's stunned.

Abu Mazen: Look my lad, I've had just about enough of this. That terrorist is definitely deceased. And when I bought it not half an hour ago, you assured me that its lack of movement was due to it being tired and shagged out after a long squawk.

Suha: It's probably pining for the fjords.

Abu Mazen: Pining for the fjords, what kind of talk is that? Look, why did it fall flat on its back the moment I got it home?

Suha: The Jihad Green prefers kipping on its back. Beautiful bird, lovely plumage.

Abu Mazen: Look, I took the liberty of examining that terrorist, and I discovered that the only reason that it had been sitting on its perch in the first place was that it had been nailed there.

Suha: Well of course it was nailed there. Otherwise it would muscle up to those bars and voom.

Abu Mazen: Look matey (picks up parrot) this terrorist wouldn't voom if I put four thousand volts through it. It's bleeding demised.

Suha: It's not, it's pining.

Abu Mazen: It's not pining, it's passed on. This terrorist is no more. It has ceased to be. It's expired and gone to meet its maker. This is a late parrot. It's a stiff. Bereft of life, it rests in peace. If you hadn't nailed it to the perch, it would be pushing up the daisies. It's rung down the curtain and joined the choir invisible. This is an ex-parrot.

Suha: Well, I'd better replace it then.

Abu Mazen: (to camera) If you want to get anything done in this country you've got to complain till you're blue in the mouth.

Suha: Sorry guv, we're right out of chief terrorists.

Abu Mazen: I see. I see. I get the picture.

Suha: I've got a slug.


Abu Mazen: Does it talk?

Suha: Not really, no.

Abu Mazen: Well, it's scarcely a replacement, then is it?

Suha: Listen, I'll tell you what, (handing over a card) tell you what, if you go to my brother's pet shop in Bolton he'll replace your terrorist for you.

Abu Mazen: Bolton eh?

Suha: Yeah.

Abu Mazen: All right.

Suha: Look, what do you want?

Abu Mazen: No I'm sorry, I'm not prepared to pursue my line of enquiry any further as I think this is getting too silly.

Colonel: (Coming in) Quite agree. Quite agree. Silly. Silly . . . silly.

Right get on with it. Get on with it.

Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in Washington and in the media consider "must reading." Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here.

JewishWorldReview.com contributor Steven Plaut is professor of business administration at the Graduate School of Business, University of Haifa. He also teaches in Greece, California, and Hungary, and has a Ph.D. from Princeton University in Economics. A Native-born Philadelphian, he has lived in Israel since 1981. Comment by clicking here.




© 2004, Steven Plaut