Jewish World Review Nov. 24, 2004 / 11 Kislev, 5765

David Grimes

Grimes
JWR's Pundits
World Editorial
Cartoon Showcase

Mallard Fillmore

Michael Barone
Mona Charen
Linda Chavez
Ann Coulter
Greg Crosby
Larry Elder
Don Feder
Suzanne Fields
James Glassman
Paul Greenberg
Bob Greene
Betsy Hart
Nat Hentoff
David Horowitz
Marianne Jennings
Michael Kelly
Mort Kondracke
Ch. Krauthammer
Lawrence Kudlow
Dr. Laura
John Leo
Michelle Malkin
Jackie Mason
Chris Matthews
Michael Medved
MUGGER
Kathleen Parker
Wes Pruden
Sam Schulman
Amity Shlaes
Roger Simon
Tony Snow
Thomas Sowell
Cal Thomas
Jonathan S. Tobin
Ben Wattenberg
George Will
Bruce Williams
Walter Williams
Mort Zuckerman

Consumer Reports

For the holiday: Films that are real turkeys


http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | It occurred to me recently that there isn't much to choose from in the way of Thanksgiving movies. ("A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving" is one thing, "Dutch" is another thing entirely.)


Since Thanksgiving involves bringing large numbers of people together who don't necessarily like each other to eat vast quantities of starchy foods and swill alcoholic beverages, it seems to me that Thanksgiving movies should mainly be confined to the horror genre.


Keeping in mind that some of the plot nuances remain to be ironed out, here are some summaries of possible Thanksgiving movies:


Poultry-geist — A tiny exorcist with a grating voice visits a suburban home to rid it of paranormal turkeys. After a brief inspection, the exorcist declares, "This house is clear." Suddenly, a 20-pound frozen Butterball shoots out of the television set and knocks the exorcist senseless.


"They're hee-e-ere!" Carol Anne intones while slyly licking giblet gravy off her fingers.


To Kill a Walking Bird — Thanksgiving in a small, bigoted Southern town is threatened when it is discovered that the turkeys being sold at the local Piggly Wiggly contain nothing but dark meat. The day is saved when an angry mob breaks into the home of the mysterious, wraith-like Boo Radley and confiscates his meat thermometer.


Thighs Wide Shut — A doctor is taken aback when he learns that his wife has been fantasizing about having sex with a Cornish hen. To gain revenge, he begins flirting with a capon of indeterminate breeding, only to find that her leftovers make for a bitter snack.

Donate to JWR


Silence of the Yams — A young, na´ve FBI agent tries to get information about a serial killer by gaining the confidence of a brilliant but seriously deranged sweet potato. Clarice incorrectly senses a breakthrough when the incarcerated tuber invites her into his cell for fava beans and Chianti.


All the President's Menu — Two dogged newspaper reporters break the stories that bring down a president with the help of a mysterious, off-the-record source, Deep Giblet. The movie's most poignant moment comes when President Nixon goes on TV and declares to the nation, "I am not a crook. Now, would somebody please pass me the (expletive deleted) green bean casserole?"


White Meat Can't Jump — Two hot-shot inner-city turkeys hustle money playing basketball. Gangsters threaten to break Billy's drumsticks if he does not repay his debts.


The Sixth Helping — A child psychologist tries to help a troubled boy who repeatedly dreams of multiple servings. When asked to describe the dreams, the boy trembles and replies, "I see dead turkeys." All the talk about food eventually makes the boy and the psychologist hungry, so they order some take-out from Boston Market.


Three Menus and Some Gravy — Three bachelors living in Manhattan take in a honey-glazed ham that has been left outside their door. Hilarity ensues when the men, who have been drinking heavily, mistake the ham for a baby. This movie abounds with unforgettable dialogue:


Michael: "Do you smell something?"


Peter (sniffing the air): "It's either dinner time or that kid needs changing!"


Jack: "Anybody for more beer?"

Appreciate this column? Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here.



JWR contributor David Grimes is a columnist for The Sarasota Herald Tribune. Comment by clicking here.

Up

11/16/04: An election to drive you crazy
11/10/04: A pet by any other name
11/04/04: What to do when you've got the flu
10/26/04: I can't believe They did it: This is identity theft on a grand scale
10/18/04: Finnish man shows that husbands have hidden worth
10/15/04: Science tales from the fringe
10/06/04: Movies go to the dogs
09/29/04: Talking carts spice up shopping
09/22/04: Big Bad Wolf sets the record straight
09/13/04: How not to kill a skeeter
09/09/04: 54th state? Confusion
08/30/04: Even teens can tire of TV, IHOP
08/24/04: The real story of Miss Muffet
08/17/04: Flaming Gaseous Man, away!
07/28/04: Signs say more than intended
07/21/04: Phoning in my novel
07/14/04: Turning sand into gold
07/07/04: Along came a spider and sat down beside her
06/29/04: There must be a law
06/21/04: The many hazards of TV sports
06/15/04: Computer dust causes a mighty stir
05/25/04: Guess what's coming to dinner?
05/18/04: Dogs have changed for the worse
05/11/04: You rant, you pay
05/03/04: A new generation of civility
04/27/04: Repeat at your own risk
04/19/04: Brits learn grammar from Americans
04/05/04: Got those customer survey blues
03/31/04: Name that planetoid
03/24/04: Mind-melding is not for the squeamish
03/16/04: Write that novel — QUICK!
03/10/04: Turns out robots are as unhelpful as people
03/02/04: Dictators' softer side
02/23/04: Is there life after Ken?
02/18/04: California needs its chi adjusted
02/11/04: Pleeze by sum stuph frum me
02/03/04: A tale of two generations
01/28/04: Warning: Labels on products are getting wackier and wackier
01/21/04: It's a computer! No, it's a side dish! Skeptical? Look under the hood
01/07/04: Nursery rhymes to scare the kids by
12/30/03: Ear-scratcher fingered by police
12/24/03: Gifts for that not-so-special someone
12/18/03: Things we hate to do
12/09/03: Keep your name out of this book
12/03/03: When tots control the world
11/18/03: Danger: TVs falling from above
11/11/03: Songs that won't go away
11/04/03: Keep technology away from the monkeys
10/29/03: A career of sensational regrets
10/22/03: Ig Nobels reward weird science
10/16/03: TV golf needs a kick in the pants
10/08/03: That's geek to me
09/30/03: A man, a woman and a cat
09/22/03: A tale of two spams
09/16/03: Librarian action figure will be taking no guff
09/10/03: Slackers need to remain invisible
09/02/03: No fun in the summertime
08/26/03: The algebra of love
08/11/03: Journey to the center of the pavement cracks
08/06/03: Word dominance by U.S. appears a fait accompli
07/28/03: Ads that are hard to swallow
07/09/03: Keep cows out of the classroom
07/03/03: Little-appreciated facts about unshaven men
06/24/03: Brother, can you paradigm?
06/18/03: Cats, TV not a good mix
06/10/03: In defense of grumpiness
06/04/03: Do we really need keyboards in our Port-A-Johns?
05/29/03: Always a dull men's moment
05/21/03: Bad PC hygiene leads to bugs
05/12/03:Army mops up; Tony Blair doesn't
05/06/03: Grill a hamburger for PETA
05/01/03: Exams spice history
04/23/03: Too much money? Tax me more!
04/14/03: When good gourds go bad
04/11/03: One fish-tale that isn't --- and that's no lie!
04/02/03: Do you really want to know what your dog's thinking?
03/26/03: Pajamas make high school less stressful
03/21/03: It's time to be nice to the French
03/03/03: The ultimate clean and constructive sport
02/12/03: Get a bang out of cleaning with cruise vacuum
02/06/03: Voluntary kindness? Not likely
01/28/03: Signs our economy is on upswing
01/22/03: There may be cash in your old underwear
01/15/03: Banish these words, now more than ever
01/07/03: Coughing as an art form
12/24/02: Parents shell out for missed homework
12/17/02: French government says no to @ symbol
12/11/02: A latecomer joins fellowship of the DVD
12/02/02: Don't worry, be fat, unfit and really happy
11/18/02: Intrigued by a German invention that could get teens out of bed before the crack of noon
11/06/02: A noose by any other name ...
10/29/02: Iranian dogs on notice
10/22/02: Talk about a job that stinks --- literally!
10/15/02: The official world's funniest joke
10/02/02: Japanese turn eyes to computer haikus
09/27/02: Oh, no! Bosses want to know what's on your mind
09/24/02: An airbag, humanity's salvation?
09/17/02: DON'T TRY THIS AT HOME!
09/06/02: Come listen to a story about a man named ... Bill
09/03/02: You're not in preschool anymore!
08/30/02: A charming idea from a brutal, whacked-out, megalomaniacal dictator-for-life
08/26/02: Blubber water? How to put on the pounds by gulping H20
08/21/02: The latest evidence that Mother Nature is out to kill us
08/13/02: Computers, airplanes and Canada don't mix
08/06/02: The sky's not falling? Dang it!
08/02/02: Some fond memories of worst TV shows
07/30/02: Pay my credit-card bill, please?
07/25/02: Something to celebrate
07/22/02: Baseball needs to ban the fans
07/16/02: Hasbro should consider new inaction figure
07/11/02: Decline in trash-talking is harming our mental health? Well, #@%&!
07/08/02 Americans retain right to fork tongues
07/01/02 These laws were made to be broken
06/18/02 Watching enough commercials?
06/03/02 Throwing your vote to the dogs
05/08/02 Hey, Mom, could you spare a dime?: Parents' obligations unending

© 2002, Sarasota Herald Tribune