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Jewish World Review
Nov. 12, 2004
/ 28 Mar-Cheshvan 5765
Jerry Della Femina
President Chirac, I have some bad news. Barbra Streisand. Susan Sarandon. Harvey Weinstein. Ben Affleck. Chevy Chase. Whoopi Goldberg. Johnny Depp. Sean Penn. Robin Williams. Alec Baldwin. Bruce Springsteen. P. Diddy. Tim Robbins. Robert DeNiro. Michael Douglas. Garry Trudeau. Leonardo DiCaprio. And, (ugh) Michael Moore are outside your office demanding that you see them immediately. They say they represent the thousands of Hollywood stars who have left the United States and have moved to France as they promised they would if George W. Bush was re-elected. I spoke with them for an hour and frankly they made no sense but they all looked great and peaceful as they acted out their demands. All but Sean Penn who tried to choke me while he screamed "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND ALL WE WANT IS PEACE?"
What do they want from me?
Well now that they have given up their mansions in the Hollywood Hills and live here in Paris they want their say in how their newly adopted country is run.
My G-d they've been only here a week and already they're making my life miserable.
It's worse than that, Michael Moore has said that if you won't allow him to film and interview you for his new movie Jacques And Me, he will handcuff himself to a chair in your waiting room, swallow the key, and camp here for days. When he's done, all the perfume in France won't be enough to fumigate your office and your nostrils will wither and turn to dust like Donatela Versace's.
Merci! Merci! Merci!
President Chirac, are you saying yes, yes, yes to Moore's demands?
No you imbecile, I'm saying mercy . . . mercy . . . mercy.
My G-d even the Nazis were more humane when they occupied us. What else do they want?
Well sir, Reuters reported the other day that, in a move that violated a cease-fire between the government and rebels, fighting began Saturday on the Ivory Coast when warplanes bombed our position near Bouake, killing nine French soldiers. One hospital reported 34 wounded French soldiers. Naturally, we retaliated with our planes and bombed them and destroyed their planes and killed a number of them. Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins spoke for the group and said that if you don't end the war and leave the Ivory Coast to unarmed U.N. Peacekeepers, they will lead the Hollywood/Paris fight to have you impeached by the world court. Then Barbra Streisand said that she's against war anywhere, anytime, anyplace for any reason. Then she sang "People who need People." Then she was joined in by the whole group singing "All We Are Saying Is Give Peace A Chance" in English, French, and Swahili. They know that Swahili is not the language of the Ivory Coast but they said this was as close as they could come given that they were all tied up with the U.S. election and couldn't take the time to learn another language since they were busy selecting their outfits for the Kerry Inaugural Ball. I didn't have the heart to tell them that the language of the Ivory Coast is French, Mr. President, they seem so, so, "innocent."
Those Hollywood fools. I have stated that our goal is to enable the Ivory Coast to recover peace and stability and a normal way of life.
Mr. President, they said they have heard that somewhere before. Bruce Springsteen said unless you stop the war immediately he will give concerts all over France for your old opponent Socialist Party leader Lionel Jospin and then you'll be sorry you didn't listen to The Boss. P. Diddy joined him and said he is starting a French voter registration movement that will have every French student voting for Lionel Jospin. His slogan will be VOTE OR MORTE.
But didn't you tell them that I have always stood for lower tax rates, the removal of price controls, strong punishments for crime and terrorism, and business privatization in France?
I did sir and they said they heard that, before, too.
Don't they understand anything?
Sir, it appears that they neither understand French nor English. They told me they don't have to be smart they're movie stars and they earn great sums of money and that in the United States they are loved and listened to by everyone but 59,949,407 Republicans.
And I thought we French were arrogant!
Robin Williams said that his group would eventually win because they have all the comedians and they are funny and clever. He added all they are looking for is that world problems be solved as in one of their movies, with a nice neat ending in less than two hours. He also added that they don't want to run the world they just want script approval.
My G-d it can't get any worse than this.
Sorry sir, it can. Alec Baldwin wants us to stop all production of pate immediately. In the week he has lived here in France he has learned just what is done to a goose in order to get a rich delicious Goose Liver pate. Up until now he just thought pate came in those itty-bitty expensive cans. He is appalled that we nail down and force-feed these geese. He said he is a man who loves a good goose. He is threatening to get a group of French goose lovers to round up all the geese in France and have them shipped first class to The Hamptons where they can live in peace with all the starving deer whose lives he has saved. Ben Affleck, whose eyes looked a little funny, added that he was concerned about what we do to grapes in France and how, if grapes had voices like in cartoons and they could scream, we wouldn't crush them to make wine. That one will be okay because Harvey Weinstein screamed at him that if Ben has one more money losing movie he, Harvey, will crush him, Ben, like a grape. Then Whoopi Goldberg called Ben a F%#*&ing Idiot. That made Harvey laugh and when Harvey laughed they all looked nervous and laughed too, President Chirac, what do we do?
You go out and tell them they have won. Tell them they came to the right country where the President is always willing to do what the movie stars want. Tell them they have won and lead them in a rousing rendition of "Kumbaiya." While they are singing, whisper to Harvey Weinstein to come in to my office right now. While the children are singing and thinking they won, the two adults will negotiate.
Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in Washington and in the media consider "must reading."
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JWR contributor Jerry Della Femina was recently named by Advertising Age as one of the 100 Most Influential Advertising People of the Century. He's perhaps the most sought-after advertising expert in the country, there is no network, no publication and no organization on which, in which, or before which Mr. Della Femina has not appeared. He is also the author of two books, From Those Wonderful Folks Who Gave You Pearl Harbor (a best-seller), and An Italian Grows in Brooklyn (a non-seller).
08/27/04: Dems, PLEASE don't read this!
04/30/04: Charlie Chan and the politically correct mafia
12/23/03: Att. Dean, don't worry, Americans have short memories
05/16/03: Still crazy after all these years
05/09/03: The updated secret of life
04/10/03: THE WAR OF WORDS: Did we get him?
03/27/03: Spoiled 'peace' brats
03/21/03: What we must do
03/17/03: Turn your cheek and get another fist in your jaw
02/25/03: In New Yawk, they are finally muzzling celebs
02/06/03: Media empowering terrorism?
01/31/03: Outed at McDonald’s
01/24/03: Fresh ink
01/10/03: Will his political career go up in smoke?
11/07/02: Here's a dirty little secret: Most Italians sort of like the Mafia
10/17/02: Bloomberg for Honorary Italian of the Year
© 2004, Jerry Della Femina