Jewish World Review Nov. 21, 2001 / 6 Kislev, 5761

Northern Alliance liberates
Gobble, as hunt continues

By LEWIS A. FEIN -- GOBBLE, Nov. 21 | In a daring display of courage and armed revolt, members of the Northern Alliance liberated this town of 8,000 shanties and tents, where thousands of Osama bin Ladle's soldiers had been housed.

The Northern Alliance, a collection of carnivores upset with the strict vegan policies of Afghanistan's ruling Tofu party, expelled bin Ladle's forces early this morning.

"This is a great victory for freedom. Protein is back. Meat is back. Turkey is on our plates and in our hearts. Death to bin Ladle and the Tofu government," said Mohammed "Beefsteak" Foresh, spokesperson for the Northern Alliance.

The Northern Alliance, a former group of displaced poultry farmers and omnivorous military officers, took control of all municipal "buildings" last night, including the city's former butcher shop. The shop was most recently the political headquarters for People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA), and contained autographed pictures -- appraisers consider the photos a form of alternative currency -- of television actress Bea Arthur and country singer k.d. lang.

U.S. State Department officials have not released a formal statement concerning the Northern Alliance's actions, though insiders believe Secretary of State Colin Powell greeted the news favorably during a meal of filet mignon, fried onions and hash browns.

Insiders also hinted President George W. Bush supports the Northern Alliance's actions, as his family -- including his father's public statements concerning the same -- generally loathe vegetables, especially broccoli. Yet, in a display of unity and tolerance, President Bush promised to visit an organic market this afternoon; White House Press Secretary Ari Fleischer called the effort part of the president's attempt to leave no vegetable behind.

Still, congressional Democrats were skeptical. "The president has my support as an American, but he must also win my vote as a vegetarian," said Rep. Barney Frank (D-MA). Many Democratic staffers, all of whom asked to remain anonymous, reacted harshly about the reported liberation of Gobble. One staffer even vandalized a local fast food eatery, posting an anti-meat message across the building's entrance.

According to veteran political watcher Al Gore, a coalition of vegetarians and feminists could thwart the president's reelection plans. "2004 is about the future of the American diet. If we continue to blindly support omnivorous leaders, while conveniently ignoring abuses within our own national vegetable garden, well, the consequences could be staggering."

Gore, who claims he harbors no resentment concerning the president's relationship with Texas cattle, swore his support for a united American military policy. However, partisans suggested the former vice president feels neglected by the nation's burgeoning soybean industry, which accounts for virtually every source of important commercial or agricultural development across the globe. "That little bean - it's more powerful than the atomic bomb. Talk about big things in small packages," said Gore.

Curiously, former president Bill Clinton has not released a statement about Gore's remarks. Supporters intimated that Clinton views Gore as a political liability, unable or unwilling to accept America's new political landscape. Others suggested Gore's fondness for dried fruit, as well as his disdain for hamburger, was the reason responsible for the cold silence between the two former political partners.

However, the domestic political implications of this morning's events were still unclear. And, though congressional Democrats and Mr. Gore expressed their thoughts about the liberation of Gobble, many other prominent leaders offered more patriotic comments.

"Today is a cause for stuffing and cranberry sauce, a day for dark meat and white meat," said one associate familiar with both Gore and Clinton. The confidant further explained that peace could be achieved by two popular words:

"Happy Thanksgiving"

JWR contributor Lewis A. Fein is a writer and Internet entrepreneur in Los Angeles.Comment by clicking here.


© 2001, Lewis A. Fein