Allah In The Family
http://www.jewishworldreview.com --
PRESIDENT George W. Bush, a longtime born-again
Christian, stunned the nation today when he
revealed that he has secretly converted to Islam,
insisting the decision was based on inner belief
rather than international politics.
The president, wearing a long white robe and
sporting a three-day beard, said he came to his
spiritual awakening, not after intense meetings with
Saudi and other Arab leaders, which took place
through the night in the White House, but after inviting a number of
Muslim clerics to dinner last week. "We were marking the holy month
of, uh, Rama-lama-ding-dong," the president said. "Al be praised."
Religious experts and rock and roll aficionados later concluded the
president had confused the Muslim holiday of Ramadan with an early
1960s pop novelty song, and that "Al" was not a reference to his
political rival for the White House last year, but to the Muslim name for
G-d.
Bush admitted he is not an expert on the teachings and rituals of
Islam, and reportedly was seen this morning reading "The Infidel's
Guide to Militant Islam" and "Arab Fundamentalism for Dummies." But
he emphasized that he is learning, "just like my Daddy did," revealing
that former President George Bush has also embraced Islam. "It's a
gradual thing," George W. admitted, noting, "in my readings, I am
catching up on Sunni and I am full of Shiite. And while I haven't even
finished the Protocols yet, I'm already getting suspicious of a Jewish
international conspiracy."
Bush said he recently has come to see "the peaceful and ecumenical
qualities" of Islam. "My efforts to convince the Arab world that our
struggle with international terror has nothing to do with religion is not
at all related to this personal choice Laura and I have made," he
stressed, "and only a hardened cynic would make that connection."
First Lady Laura Bush, covering herself in a black burka, stood by her
husband and announced plans to launch a national effort to have girls
and young women drop out of school and take up "more traditional
female roles like cooking, cleaning and wailing."
As the First Couple headed for a helicopter to take them to their
nearby vacation retreat in the woods of Maryland, the newly renamed
Camp Mohammed, American Jewish leaders were already expressing
support for the president.
The Conference of Presidents of Aging Machers pointed out that
instant polling of the American Jewish community found the vast
majority viewed the president's conversion as a positive step toward
bringing an end to the Arab-Israeli conflict, and 72 percent agreed
placing radical Muslim clerics as monitors between Jewish synagogues
and Arab mosques in the Old City of Jerusalem was a constructive
move toward peace.
A group of Stephen Cohens announced that "the president's new
appreciation of Islam is certain to herald a new age of understanding,
marked by the dismantling of Jewish settlements" which they believe
are not only the key to the Arab-Israeli conflict but to the
long-standing feud between India and Pakistan and the global
warming crisis as well.
Israeli Foreign Minister Shimon Peres praised Bush's move as
constructive, saying, "there can be no deal in Mecca until you make a
deal."
Indeed, the only voice of concern publicly expressed around the world
was that of Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon, who said he was
worried by President Bush's abrupt embrace of the Muslim religion. "I
take him at his word and respect his beliefs," Sharon said of the U.S.
leader, "but I can't help wondering if his decision had anything to do
with Washington's secret new deal with the Saudis to purchase oil for
10 cents a barrel for the next 100 years."
State Department officials expressed outrage and disgust with Sharon
for his "ridiculous and even blasphemously vicious attacks on all we
hold precious." The embarrassed Israeli leader later said his remarks
were misconstrued, and he had merely been attempting to clear his
throat.
Rushing off to a mosque for morning prayers, Secretary of State Colin
Powell told reporters he, too, was considering converting to Islam,
blaming Jews for "the occupation" of his time and thoughts in recent
weeks. "They are the occupiers of my mind, and I am constantly
reminded of this occupation," Powell acknowledged. But he
emphasized that his personal thoughts and feelings would not in any
way cloud his even-handed approach to the Palestinian-Israeli conflict.
"Our goal is to end the violence between the oppressed and the
infidels, and anyone who thinks we have a bias is simply paranoid,"
said a tired and irritable Powell, who told friends he had been up all
night looking for peaceful passages about Jews in the Koran.
The major electronic and print news media, including CNN and NPR, did
not report on Bush's conversion to Islam, or Powell's plans to follow
suit, saying these were personal decisions that had no bearing on
world affairs. The New York Times lead story today was on the Israeli
prime minister's support for settling a series of labor strikes and his
spending time on his ranch pulling weeds out of the ground.
The headline read: "Sharon Praises Settlements, Uproots Unwanted
Neighbors."
Jewish World Review Nov. 29, 2001 / 14 Kislev, 5762
By Gary Rosenblatt
JWR contributor Gary Rosenblatt is Editor and Publisher of the New York Jewish Week. Comment by clicking here.