Jewish World Review Oct. 11, 2010 / 3 Mar-Cheshvan, 5771
Obama and his pals need some scarce Hopium for the next election
By John Kass
America's Hopium farmers must increase production, because the nation's supply is dangerously low, and the November midterm elections are only weeks away.
Even my personal Obama Chia Heads don't produce as much Hopium as before. And this should worry the president.
Because as readers know, Hopium is the stuff that sends tingles up reporters' legs and keeps everybody, even taxpayers, feelin' all right.
If America has a Hopium deficit, we might have no way of altering political reality like we did a few years ago. And these days, reality bites.
There's the rotten economic news. Unemployment keeps rising and the federal deficit keeps increasing because politicians in
So in a few months, you might need half a bar of gold bullion just to buy a Happy Meal.
Then there are those federal tax hikes coming after the November elections — and don't tell me that reversing a tax cut isn't a tax hike. It's a sign to employers not to hire anyone, not even their idiot brothers-in-law.
The polls say congressional Democrats expect a serious thwacking. And Obama will be blamed by the same journalists who once felt those tingles at his approach.
Alexi, the famed
So fill a bowl of Hopium and tell me the story of how we had all transcended the broken politics of the past.
And Rahm? Barack's former chief of staff is now on a "tell it like it is" listening tour, while pondering a run for mayor of
He was at
Without Hopium, you might think that some crafty public relations types set up the news photo, since black voters haven't exactly warmed up to Rahm.
But with Hopium, the photo looks remarkably different. You can see Washington's lips moving as he looks fondly down upon Rahm. You can hear his deep voice cutting through the Hopium clouds:
What I wanted to see was an animated Harold with the lips moving like in those old
So as I pondered the photo, I did the prudent thing. I grabbed a pair of round-edged safety scissors and reached for the two Obama Chia heads in my office — both the Happy Obama and the Determined Obama — and prepared to harvest some crops.
But there was no bounty.
Both the Happy and Determined Obama heads once were lush with great greenfros of Hopium.
Yet now, they're dry and bare. Only stems and twigs remain.
Taxpayers could sure have used some Hopium the other day, after they heard the audio of Giannoulias' appearance at a Tribune editorial board meeting.
The Democrat was asked a simple question: If you'd been in the
"Well, that's a good question," Giannoulias said. "I think, looking at where we've been over the last decade, the amount of money this nation spent, the exploding deficits and national debt that we're facing, I think there are obviously a number of issues that have come up."
But what federal spending would you have voted against?
"Voted against?" asked Giannoulias, stammering. "Um ... specifically? You're talking specifically, or ...?"
Was it excruciatingly painful to hear? Specifically, yes.
But that was without Hopium.
After a couple of tokes trimmed from the Happy Obama Chia Head, anyone listening to his comments would have heard a different Giannoulias answer, one perhaps a bit more Marleyesque:
"Rise up this morning / Smile with the rising sun / three little birds pitch by my doorstep / singing sweet songs of melodies pure and true / Saying, this is my message to you, ooh, ooh:
"Singing don't worry about a thing / Cause every little thing gonna be all right / Singing don't worry ... gonna be all right."
Specifically, there is less than a month until the elections. The president's political crew has got to be hoping that Americans find some more Hopium soon.
The supply is almost gone.
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John Kass is a columnist for the Chicago Tribune. Comments by clicking here.
© 2008, Chicago Tribune. Distributed by McClatchy-Tribune Information Services.