The stimulus plan isn't going well. I've had two cups of caffeine already and still nothing.
The recovery isn't much better. Used to be I could go out to a late movie and be fully alert the next day, but not now.
When I read the government had spent $9.5 million to update the website tracking the economic recovery, I decided to visit. I hoped recovery and stimulus were going better for them than it was for me.
The recovery map showed more than 20 pink, blue and green dots that were awarded stimulus money in our zip code.
Most of the recipients were given monies in the neighborhood of a half million dollars. It seems like a lot of money until you remember that you used to be able to get a candy bar for a dime. (I don't know what that has to do with anything; I'm just trying to make you feel better about a $787 billion package, which is a lot of candy bars at any price.)
My favorite dot on the map was a neighborhood Subway that snagged $591,000 in stimulus money — putting America back to work one 6-inch turkey on whole wheat at a time.
"We missed it," I told the husband.
"Missed what?"
"Our chance at recovery. I told you we should have jumped on the bandwagon."
"And I told you it was illegal."
When the first round of bailouts started, there was an on-line application form. All you had to do was declare your status as a legitimate financial institution. I suggested we file as the His & Hers No Trust Company.
"We are not a financial institution," the husband deadpanned.
"Well I wish you would have told that to the three colleges we just bankrolled on behalf of three kids."
I maintained we could compete with the best of the worst in the financial world. We had drained our assets, our financial records were in shambles and I was willing to accept an obscene bonus and travel to a California spa to reflect on the error of my ways.
"No deal," the husband droned.
"I'm not asking to play a game show," I said, "I want to play with taxpayers' money."
Though the husband nixed my dreams of bailout money long ago, hope springs eternal. I'm thinking there still might be some loose change for the taking in the stimulus package.
Furthermore, I qualify. I am a small business run by a woman (two points) and work in an energy inefficient space (our house).
With a sweeping expansion, new energy efficient windows, curlicue light bulbs, updated French doors, a new paint job and ergonomically friendly office furniture, I could be in complete compliance with the EPA.
"You do not qualify," the husband repeats.
Some people just don't hear opportunity when it knocks.
Know this: When they talk about slow recovery, they will be talking about me.
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