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Jewish World Review
Oct. 21, 2008
/ 22 Tishrei 5769
Like most people these days, I don't bother reading the majority of my email. Who hasn't learned, often through painful experience, not to be tricked by even the most enticing subject lines ("Rolex watches for only $10? Wow, what a great deal!")? What amazes me, however, is the number of emails I receive with nonsense subject lines like "New with investigating radio!" "Rubber seal trip-lock crown," or "Where's that money you owe me, Malcolm?" Naturally, these messages get deleted, unread. But the award for "least appealing email" has to go to one I received the other day with a subject line reading - I swear this is true - " McCain Sex Tape Surfaces."
At least these emails were in English. Nowadays my inbox is regularly filled with spam featuring cryptic subject lines like "ixd for blqn wpk" or "hrrg newby zzoxel time." Frankly, it's a little disappointing - if spammers want me to fall for a Nigerian email scam or some phony-baloney "male enhancement" product, the least they can do is come up with a decent subject line. "Realistically," I wondered, "who on earth would open these emails?" And then it occurred to me: no one on earth would. Or, more precisely, no one from earth. Clearly, these messages carry coded subject lines that only alien creatures living among us can decipher.
Now for you hardcore "skeptics," I realize that a few emails with incoherent subject lines may not represent sufficient proof of alien life on earth. As my grandfather used to wonder, "If there are aliens, how come you never see one of their spaceships flying down 5th Avenue?" Putting aside for a moment the notion that a race of super-intelligent beings would be foolish enough to battle midtown Manhattan traffic, a better question is, "Has anyone who's walked on the moon confirmed the existence of aliens?"
Until recently, the answer to that question has always been, "No, at least not publicly." But then last week Apollo XIV astronaut Edgar Mitchell told an Australian radio station that aliens had definitely visited earth numerous times, and that the US government has been covering it up for 60 years.
By way of reassurance, Mitchell added that these aliens are not hostile. Otherwise, as he said, "we would have been gone by now." What a relief!
But if the aliens aren't looking to take over, what are they doing here? And can they confirm that they're responsible for heretofore unexplained phenomena like crop circles, the Bermuda Triangle and Don King's hair? According to the "alien abduction" crowd, our uninvited guests' primary purpose has been to drug earthlings and explore our extraordinarily personal areas.
Sure, the aliens' emphasis on probing could reflect some bizarre interplanetary perversion (that would also explain their interest in the McCain sex tape) but what if they're just trying to help? As a man approaching 40, I will soon be subjected to all sorts of indignities at the gloved hands (and other implements) of medical science. Perhaps, understanding how reluctant many people are to schedule such examinations, the aliens are merely doing the preventative medical work for us. Say what you will about being kidnapped and taken aboard a UFO, but an alien abduction doesn't involve weeks of apprehension about an upcoming procedure or wearing a handkerchief-sized gown revealing exactly what part of the body that probe will be exploring and, most importantly, no alien has ever refused to probe an earthling for lack of medical insurance.
Realistically, the aliens are probably just here to study us, the same way we study wild animals. Just think of all those bears who've stumbled back to their bear buddies, dazedly telling wild stories about being snatched up, drugged, and transported to a place where strange beings conducted all kinds of experiments on them before stapling a tag to their ears and releasing them, otherwise unharmed, back where they were originally abducted.
Sound familiar? The only difference is that the aliens, as superior beings, have clearly grown weary of the same old routine, so they've started competing to find the most unusual places to "tag" earthlings. Or maybe you think it's a coincidence that so many people nowadays have piercings in the most cringe-inducing places. Don't be naďve.
But even if we accept that aliens have been here for a while, a few questions remain. First, how has the government managed to keep this information hidden from the public? And is the same government agency responsible for keeping the truth from getting out about the Kennedy assassination, the conspiracy behind the 9-11 attacks and the fact that Ryan Seacrest is actually some sort of elf? And if so, shouldn't we put this government agency, with its track record of success, to work on our more pressing problems, like winning the war in Iraq, reversing global warming and finding a male enhancement product that really works?
JWR contributor Malcolm Fleschner is a humor columnist for The DC Examiner. Let him know what you think by clicking here.
10/21/08: Keeping up disappearances
09/17/08: Victims of math hysteria
08/07/08: My newfound sense of self (promotion)
06/24/08: Getting the brand back together
05/29/08: Phrased and confused
05/13/08: Take this job and love it
04/17/08: News you can (re)use
04/02/08: Commercial (over)load
02/20/08: An overdose of reality
02/14/08: A developing situation
01/30/08: I can tech it or leave it
01/02/08: Confessions of a coke addict
01/02/08: Our bills are due
12/13/07: Going (to lunch) once, going twice…
11/28/07: Out with the old
11/06/07: My latest pet project
11/06/07: Can't tune it out
10/23/07: Something special in the hair
09/12/07: Can I have your attention, please?
09/12/07: Houston, we have an image problem
08/21/07: In the heat of fashion
08/09/07: Let's get in the game
06/13/07: You gonna eat that?
05/08/07: That's disinter-tainment
05/02/07:You Are (not) Getting Sleepy...
04/18/07: No time like Father Time
03/15/07: Deface the Nation
03/08/07: More gifts? You shouldn't have
02/22/07: Relationships can be such a chore
12/05/06: Who's calling the shots?
11/09/06: I'm taking selling to a whole new level
10/27/06: Some skills are beyond repair
10/18/06: You can't tech it with you
10/04/06: Award to the wise
08/24/06: Phrased and Confused
08/09/06: We're Gonna Party Like it's $19.99
07/19/06: Just Singing in the Brain
05/24/06: Who says you can't go home again?
05/11/06: When nightly news stories go off script
04/26/06: Cents and sensibility: A thought for your pennies
03/16/06: The day the Muzak died
02/23/06: Checkbook diplomacy begins at home
02/15/06: Today's toys: Where learning means earning
© 2006, Malcolm Fleschner