|
|
|
Jewish World Review Oct. 13, 2006 / 21 Tishrei, 5767 Post-Modern Stupidity: Phantom phoner targets his employer By Gene Weingarten
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | People familiar with this column know that I periodically telephone customer relations specialists to give them a hard time about their products. Readers occasionally write in to call me cruel, asking how employees of my newspaper would like it if it was done to them. Let's find out! For this column, I telephoned only numbers at The Washington Post. Real Estate Classified Me: I would like to submit an open house listing. Erin: Okay. Do you have the wording? Me: Large Victorian home in fashionable Georgetown, fully modernized, six bedrooms, five baths, gourmet kitchen, one-half acre, $250,000. Erin: Wow. I guess you want to sell. Me: It will get a lot of foot traffic? Erin: You can barely buy a condo for that. Me: Listen, you're not going to call back the owner to check on this, are you? Erin: What do you mean? Me: It's technically my neighbor's house. He's a jerk. His daughter's wedding is there on Sunday, so I figured we could make the day a little more interesting for him, if you see what I mean. Erin: I can't place this ad, sir. Me: But I'm willing to pay for it. Erin: I don't care. You just told me it's not your home! Me: What if I threw in a little something extra for you? Eric: Sir, you cannot pay me! That's unethical. Me: So? - - - David Brown, MD, The Post's medical writer Me: As a parent and political conservative, I would like to express my outrage over your article titled "E. Coli Blamed on Spinach." David: Okay . . . Me: Do you have any idea how hard it is to get children to eat spinach without an article suggesting it will give them fire-hose diarrhea? David: Are you serious? Me: Yes. David: Well, this is not a prohibition against eating spinach for the rest of your life. Just not eating prepackaged fresh spinach until this outbreak is . . . Me: Well, connect the dots, man! It's a subliminal message, typical of the liberal press in its war on family values. You are always trying to subvert parental authority, aren't you? David: Would you expose your child to a potentially fatal disease? Is that better than discouraging him from eating a green, leafy vegetable? Me: Yes. David: It's an interesting point of view. Me: While you're at it, why don't you just write an article that says obeying your parents can cause leprosy? David: I . . . just . . . don't . . . quite . . . know . . . where . . . to . . . start. Me: Are you a pinko? - - - Personal Classified Advertising Me: I have an ad I'd like to place. Could you give me your opinion of it? Deanna: Sure. Me: "SWM seeking female employed in the newspaper industry, preferably in personals ads intake." Deanna: Nobody's ever placed an ad like that. Me: Think there's a market? Know anyone like that? Deanna: Only me. Me: Great! Deanna: I'm married. Me: Well, do you have a sister? - - - Circulation Me: I would like to buy a subscription to The Washington Post, but I have a small, specific request. Jane: Okay. Me: You know those long plastic sleeves the paper comes in? Well, every day I would like two of them. You'd put the paper in one and a meatball sub in the other. Jane: Ha-ha. Me: Really. Jane: I don't think so. Me: You people are always offering special subscription deals. That's mine. Jane: I don't have a deal like that. I do apologize. Me: Good G-d, no wonder the newspaper business is dying. You people don't really want to sell subscriptions, do you? Jane: I just can't do anything about a meatball sub. Me: How about tuna fish? Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here.
Gene Weingarten writes the Below the Beltway humor column for The Washington Post. To comment, please click here.
© 2006 WPWG |
Arnold Ahlert | |||||||||||
