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Jewish World Review Oct. 6, 2006 / 14 Tishrei, 5767 Funny? You Should Ask ... But you didn't, did you? That's why these questions are from imaginary readers By Gene Weingarten
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
Today I answer important questions submitted by made-up readers: If you have a stupid name, are you likely to be stupid, too? Until very recently, my answer would have been assumption only: Since the stupidly named person's genes came from the people who stupidly named him, a stupid name probably indicates a stupid person. I can be more definite now, because recent events have empirically confirmed my suspicion. The stupidest name I know belongs to a lawyer who worked with my wife many years ago. Knovack De Carlo Jones told co-workers that "Knovack" stood for "K. Novack," which was a tribute to actress Kim Novak but was apparently accidentally spelled wrong. The De Carlo was for actress Yvonne De Carlo, best known for having played Lily Munster on "The Munsters." Despite this name, Ms. Jones seemed like a reasonably intelligent woman, so I didn't give this much more thought. Then, just a few weeks ago, I read a news report out of Miami: Knovack Jones — a former prosecutor and member of a county ethics commission — has been sentenced to five years in prison for embezzling $300,000 from a client's inheritance. Alas, the money was gone. Jones had invested it in a business enterprise proposed over the Internet by some doctor in Nigeria who had a lot of money he wanted to share. "He had a contract with the government of $38.6 million, and he needed my participation," Jones explained to the court. So, yes. Stupid name, stupid person. Is it possible to die laughing? In one sense, this is like the age-old question about whether you can get pregnant by sitting on a toilet seat. (Answer: Yes, but that's an awkward place to do it.) So, in that sense, a guy (I emphasize "guy") might die laughing after consuming several beers and doing something hilarious, but unwise, on a dare. Example: attempting to go down a ski jump on a tricycle. But I now have direct evidence that laughter itself can kill. According to a new German book about humor in the Third Reich ( Heil Hitler, The Pig Is Dead ), a Berlin munitions worker identified only as "Marianne Elise K." made the error of telling this joke around the water cooler: "Hitler and Goering are standing on top of Berlin's radio tower, surveying the city. Hitler says he wants to do something to cheer up the people. Goering suggests: 'Why don't you just jump?' " Marianne was overheard by someone who reported her to authorities. She was found to have undermined the war effort through "spiteful remarks," and executed. So, yes. You can die from laughing. And it doesn't even have to be over anything that is actually funny. Is it possible that every single thing doctors tell us and do to us is wrong? It is not only possible, it is likely. The entire history of the progress of medicine is a gradual, rolling, slap-to-the-forehead realization that everything done in the past is complete quackery. And the present is tomorrow's past. For example, I am right now looking at a venerable old book, The Cottage Physician, published in 1902. It is a compendium of advice from the finest minds in medicine, using the most up-to-date knowledge of the time. This book advises that many cancerous tumors can be reliably eliminated by the application of a poultice of warm milk and figs. Tetanus is cured by "pouring cold water on the head from a considerable height." Difficulty in urinating? Try a marshmallow enema. The sufferer of diabetes is informed that his illness is caused by sexual licentiousness and excessive defecation. Fortunately, he can be cured by wearing flannel clothing, vomiting frequently and using suppositories carved from bars of soap. Are you sure about stupid names and stupid people? It seems so . . . unfair. In Fort Lauderdale, a jail escapee shed his orange jumpsuit because he thought it was too suspicious-looking. He was caught because he tried to escape wearing only purple underpants, riding a woman's stolen bike. Name: D. Chester Gumps. In Broken Arrow, Okla., an inmate at the city jail threatened a guard by saying, "I know where you work." Inmate's name: Frank Dorko. Please note that this rule of thumb does not work in the other direction. A thug in Illinois chose as his mugging victim a Chicago police officer. Mugger's gun was phony. Cop's wasn't. Name of perp: Eugene Smart Jr.
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Gene Weingarten writes the Below the Beltway humor column for The Washington Post. To comment, please click here.
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Arnold Ahlert | |||||||||||
