Today, we're going to administer an IQ test. One question only. Here's the scenario.
Let's say you get hurt at home. Let's say you cut off a favorite appendage with a hedge clipper or fall victim to the old step-on-a-rake gag. Let's say you have chest pains, stomach cramps, bruises, contusions and lacerations. Let's say your forehead is hotter than Eva Longoria in August. In Phoenix. In a bikini. A really small bikini. Fresh from the pool, her skin moist and giving you that pouty, saucy look the way she does, and . . . and . . .
I'm sorry, what were we talking about?
Oh yeah. You fall ill at home. What would do you do? Did you say, get to the emergency room immediately?
Oooh, sorry. Wrong answer.
In fact, that answer reveals something about you. Namely, that you are a woman. And therefore that you are sorry, ladies less intelligent than your average man.
See, your average man would have answered the question with a more important question: At the time of this hypothetical illness or injury, is there a ballgame on television? Assuming the answer was no, he would, indeed, get to the ER with all due haste. Assuming, however, the answer was yes, he would, using his superior intellect, choose to wait until the game was over and only then, rush to the emergency room.
Ladies, you wonder what the heck I'm talking about, right? My enhanced intelligence predicted your confusion. Well, last week, CNN juxtaposed (that means to place side by side for contrast or comparison) two fascinating stories on its website. One was Dr. Sanjay Gupta's report on a study by one Dr. J. Philippe Rushton, who, after analyzing SAT scores of 100,000 teenagers, claims that males are, on average, 3.6 IQ points smarter than females.
The other was an AP story on research by a medical doctor named David Jerrard. He crunched statistics of visits to an emergency room in Baltimore and found that, during telecasts of NFL games, Major League Baseball games, or games involving University of Maryland football or basketball, the number of men coming in to the ER drops precipitously. Immediately after the game goes off, ER visits by men spike by 40 percent.
Now you might, if you are a woman, question the idea that anyone who puts off seeking needed medical attention to watch a game can be described as intellectually superior. I would only say, ladies, that jealousy is not a very attractive trait. I mean, we are talking about the gender that invented the beer hat and the giant foam finger and made "Jackass" a multi-million dollar franchise, the gender that had the foresight to put girls on trampolines and refrigerators in recliners, the gender whose members can often be found on a frigid day standing in the stadium, screaming their throats raw and pounding hairy, shirtless chests painted in the colors of very large millionaires chasing a ball on the field below.
The level of our intelligence could hardly be more apparent.
So obviously, there is a profound intellectual reason for our willingness to delay medical help until after the game, and here it is: we know that sports is the most important thing in all of human existence.
And here, I know, some woman is nudging some other woman. They're in a snooty coffee bar drinking expensive lattes and Norah Jones is singing in the background. The first woman is saying: Did you read this clown? Can you believe him? Of all the manifestations of the arrogance of male-centric paradigms and patriarchal hegemony in the herstory of woman, this has got to the worst.
Ladies, women, female human units, lighten up. I'm putting you on, of course. For the record there's no way your humble correspondent would put off seeking needed medical assistance just so he could finish watching some stupid game.
Unless, you know, we were talking about the playoffs or something.