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Nov. 6, 2009
Rabbi Berel Wein: Choosing to hear
JWisdom.com Zero to 1/60th: How to Empower An Hour with Gavriel Aryeh Sande (7 minutes)
Caroline B. Glick The mullahs' big week
Suzanne Fields A Fallen Wall for Fallen Man
Nov. 5, 2009
The Kosher Gourmet: Three scrumptious -- but simple -- butternut squash dishes
JWisdom.com Hidden Hints: Unlocking Faith & Prayer with Rabbi Jay Yaacov Schwartz (10 minutes)
Nov. 4, 2009
Tom Hamburger and Kim Geiger: Should prayers be covered?
JWisdom.com When God played peacemaker With Rabbi Sroy Levitansky (5 minutes)
Nov. 3, 2009
Martin Peretz: Beware, Barack. Beware, Rahm. Beware, Axelrod
JWisdom.com Are you are closet idolater? With Sara Yoheved Rigler (10 minutes)
Nov. 2, 2009
Paul Greenberg: The Holocaust is now on Facebook
JWisdom.com Abraham's Strange Change With Rabbi Yitzchok Fingerer (5 minutes)
Oct. 30, 2009
Rabbi David Aaron: Secret to Immortality
Caroline B. Glick Silencing dissent in America
Oct. 29, 2009
Lini S. Kadaba: Do tactics avert flu or reduce humanity?
JWisdom.com We Must Revamp our Religious Vocabulary With Gavriel Aryeh Sanders ( 10 minutes)
Oct. 28, 2009
Rabbi Yonason Goldson: Atheists in Bubbleland
JWisdom.com Why what we wear impacts who we are With Rabbis Mordechai Becher, Menachem Golberger and Aliza Bulow ( 10 minutes)
Oct. 27, 2009
Paul Greenberg: The United Nations Is Outraged Again, Or: Department of Mideast Static
JWisdom.com The Science of Love With Rabbi Jonathan Rietti ( 7 minutes)
Oct. 26, 2009
The Jewish Ethicist by Rabbi Dr. Asher Meir: Damaging disclosures with a twist
JWisdom.com Wisdom and Wonks With Rabbi Eytan Feiner ( 7 minutes)
Oct. 23, 2009
Rabbi David Aaron: Are you ready for the ultimate pleasure?
JWisdom.com Watermark and oneness with Rabbi Sroy Levitansky ( 4 minutes)
Caroline B. Glick Stop using limited powers in a way that expands our enemies' advantages over us
Oct. 22, 2009
Steven Emerson: Terror Cases Share Desire to Kill Americans
JWisdom.com No More More Family Fights --- Really? By Sarah Chana Radcliffe ( 5 minutes)
Oct. 21, 2009
Tonya Alanez: Holocaust denier sues survivor, calling Auschwitz memoir 'vicious lies'
JWisdom.com Meditating Jewishly: A Panacea for Success by Sarah Yoheved Rigler ( 7 minutes)
Oct. 20, 2009
Dennis Prager: Obama and Dalai Lama: Why Israel Worries about U.S. President
JWisdom.com Abraham was not religious By Rabbi Yitzchok Fingerer ( 6 minutes)
Oct. 19, 2009
JWisdom.comWhy Good People Do Bad Things By Rabbi Eytan Feiner ( 7 minutes)
Oct. 16, 2009
Rabbi Yonason Goldson: The Perfect Number
JWisdom.com Hearing Voices By Rabbi Sroy Levitansky ( 5 minutes)
Caroline B. Glick How Turkey was lost
Oct. 15, 2009
Jeff Jacoby: Peace vs. the 'peace process'
JWisdom.com: Former MTV producer and stand-up comedian Rabbi Lawrence Hajioff: Taming a Control Freak (A VERY fast 15 minutes)
Oct. 29, 2003
Mortimer B. Zuckerman: Graffiti On History's Walls (MUST-READ!)

Jewish World Review Oct. 4, 2006 / 12 Tishrei, 5767

Award to the wise

By Malcolm Fleschner


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http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | Throughout the calendar year the American public is treated to the release of various lists of prominent people who have distinguished themselves in some way. Just a few examples are the Forbes 400 richest Americans, People Magazine's 25 Most Intriguing People and the FBI's Ten Most Wanted list. To date the only person with the distinction of making all three at the same time is Martha Stewart.


My favorite accolade, however, would have to be the so-called "Genius Grants" awarded annually to a couple dozen Americans deemed by the MacArthur Foundation to have shown "exceptional creativity in their work and the prospect for still more in the future." After all, what's not to like about a well-funded organization that unexpectedly calls you up to say, "We think you're a genius and oh, by the way, here's $500,000 to blow any way you like."


So how are MacArthur fellows selected? Unfortunately, I don't know. The process is undertaken in complete secrecy, following the example set by the obscure evaluation methods involved in choosing such other eminent personages as Supreme Court nominees, the Pope and contestants on Survivor.


As a result, the presumptive geniuses have no idea they're even under consideration until they receive a phone call out of the blue with the good news. And while I'm sure recipients are always pleasantly surprised, this system seems dangerously open to abuse. I mean, you know how self-absorbed some of those academic types can be. And while I'd hate to plant an idea in the heads of any overworked and underappreciated graduate students who may be looking for a way to get back at their dictatorial advising professors, but could you imagine a better prank phone call?


"Hello, is this Dr. Nasenhaare, of the Harvard University physics department? Yes, this is Haywood Jablome, executive director of the MacArthur Foundation. I'm calling to inform you that you've been selected for one of this year's Genius grants. We were very impressed with your work in the area of subatomic particle retrieval, specifically with regard to all the particles you were able to retrieve from your nose during office hours when you thought no one was looking. Psych!"


With such a secretive selection process, pretty much anyone can feel they have a shot at making the cut. Which explains my shock and disappointment when this year's MacArthur fellows were announced and my name was not listed. And yes, I did call the foundation to make sure there hadn't been some sort of bureaucratic mixup.


So what makes me think that anyone would ever consider me for the title of "genius," particularly in light of the fact that on more than one occasion I have driven away from a self-serve gas station with the pump still attached to my car? It's a fair question. For one thing, this past year I've been barraged with direct references to my apparent genius, often from complete strangers. I can't count how many times people have said to me, "The door is marked 'Exit Only,' genius," or, "Hey genius, the toaster doesn't work unless it's plugged in," as well as, ironically enough, " 'Genius' is only spelled with one 's,' genius."


I guess I may have also deluded myself into believing I was in the running because I could really use the $500,000. The money is offered with no strings attached, and is intended to help relieve recipients of financial concerns because, according to the Foundation website, "we believe that talented people are in the best position to decide how to allocate their time and resources to follow their creative vision." In my case, it will be difficult for me to follow my creative vision and keep churning out these columns if I don't come up with the substantial sum I owe to my bookie, Vinnie "The Tenderizer" Stromboli, who has threatened to send over a few of his associates to, as he put it, "make mashed potatoes out of my fingers."


So my genius may go unrecognized for another year. And as a result, I may also lose the use of my hands for a while. But why dwell on the negatives when there are so many other, as yet unannounced, tributes to shoot for? Assuming I can learn how to type with my nose, I should definitely be on the short list for a Pulitzer Prize for commentary. The selection committee can't possibly have missed this column's many courageous stances, whether railing against the lackluster quality of what passes for fortune cookie "fortunes" these days or my call for mandatory paper-based ballots to restore the nation's faith in the voting process on American Idol, to name just a couple.


And failing that, well, I'm sure I can count on a groundswell of reader support for my run at People Magazine's Sexiest Man Alive title.

Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here.

JWR contributor Malcolm Fleschner is a humor columnist for The DC Examiner. Let him know what you think by clicking here.


Previously:

08/24/06:Phrased and Confused
08/09/06: We're Gonna Party Like it's $19.99
07/19/06: Just Singing in the Brain
05/24/06: Who says you can't go home again?
05/11/06: When nightly news stories go off script
04/26/06: Cents and sensibility: A thought for your pennies
03/16/06: The day the Muzak died
02/23/06: Checkbook diplomacy begins at home
02/15/06: Today's toys: Where learning means earning



© 2006, Malcolm Fleschner

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