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Nov, 21, 2008

Rabbi A. Henach Leibowitz: Money matters?

Caroline B. Glick: Civilization walks the plank

Nov, 20, 2008

Rabbi Avi Shafran: Bronfman's blindness

The Kosher Gourmet By Linda Gassenheimer: Portobellos add a hearty flavor to pasta with pesto

Nov, 19, 2008

The Jewish Ethicist by Rabbi Dr. Asher Meir : Spread the wealth? Jewish tradition and income equality

Elliot B. Gertel: 'Mad Men': Tackling prejudices or reinforcing them?

Nov, 18, 2008

Dr. Debby Schwarz Hirschhorn: The End of the Age of Reason

Jonathan Tobin: Does Barack + Bibi = Disaster?

Nov, 17, 2008

Rabbi Yonason Goldson: The End of the Age of Reason

Diana West: Gulling Americans into making terror legit?

Nov, 14, 2008

Rabbi A. Henach Leibowitz: The Power of Spiritual Inertia

Caroline B. Glick: The perils ahead

Nov, 13, 2008

Stratfor Intelligence Briefing: How Bush and Obama together could change the Middle East dynamic

The Kosher Gourmet by JeanMarie Brownson: Sweet and savory, crispy and meltingly tender bestilla

Nov, 12, 2008

The Jewish Ethicist by Rabbi Dr. Asher Meir : Tyrannical Co-Workers

Michael Doyle: High Court to consider today donated monuments that may have religious messages in public parks

Nov, 11, 2008

Frank J. Gaffney, Jr.: Will Obama stop government officials considering institutionalizing financial jihad?

Jonathan Tobin: They Will Decide Their Own Fate

Nov, 10, 2008

Rabbi Avi Shafran: $8 billion, modern-day Tower of Babel being built?

Barry Rubin: A letter to the president-elect from a Middle East realist

Nov, 7, 2008

Rabbi Francis Nataf: Of Children and Immortality

Caroline B. Glick: Livni's Obama strategy

Nov, 6, 2008

Rabbi Yonason Goldson: How I tricked a classroom of apathetic students into grasping the fallacy of moral relativism

The Kosher Gourmet By Gina Kim: Tips for making the perfect soup --- includes recipes

Nov, 5, 2008

The Jewish Ethicist By Rabbi Dr. Asher Meir: Destitute Debtors

Bruce Weinstein: 'Religulos': Bad title,even worse movie

Nov, 4, 2008

Frank J. Gaffney, Jr.: Treasury Dept. submits to Shariah law

Frida Ghitis: A surprise for Obama in the Middle East

Nov, 3, 2008

Jonathan Rosenblum: Who says Jews are Smart?

Jonathan Tobin: Was He Wrong About Everything?

Oct. 31, 2008

Rabbi A. Henach Leibowitz: Our Immutable Noble Essence

Caroline B. Glick: Running against Bush

Oct. 30, 2008

Jonathan Rosenblum: The End of the Special Relationship?

Steve Lipman: 'Kid Kosher' Gets A Title Shot

Oct. 29, 2008

Binyamin L. Jolkovsky: GET US THE TAPE THE L.A. TIMES REFUSES TO RELEASE, AND WE'LL GIVE YOU CASH!

Dr. Ari Korenblit: Making The Write Choice for President

Oct. 28, 2008

Mona Charen: Denial runs through American Jewry

Frank J. Gaffney, Jr.: Sell-off to capitalism or sell-out to Islam?

Oct. 27, 2008

The Jewish Ethicist by Rabbi Dr. Asher Meir: Are tax deductions for charitable donations moral?

Jonathan Mark: The Mystery Of The Arab-American Vote

Oct. 24, 2008

'Why aren't all religious people vegetarians?': Response by Miriam Kosman

Caroline B. Glick: Testing Obama's mettle

Oct. 23, 2008

Daniel Pipes: Obama Would Fail Security Clearance

The Kosher Gourmet by Linda Gassenheimer: A fast chicken dish with an Asian accent

Oct. 20, 2008

Gary Rosenblatt: Still One Torah

Jonathan Tobin: Government 'Gifts' Are Not Free

Oct. 17, 2008

Jonathan Rosenblum: Sukkos and the Great Meltdown

Caroline B. Glick: The disappearance of law

Oct. 16, 2008

The Jewish Ethicist by Rabbi Dr. Asher Meir: Copying DVDs: RIP OR RIPOFF?

Cal Thomas: Blaming the Jews (again)

March 22, 2007

J-Rhythms with Avraham Rosenblum: JWR's cutting-edge music program showcasing performers -- singers, song writers, musicians, and bands -- who learn and live the Torah lifestyle (OUR NEWEST IGODCAST !)

Oct. 29, 2003
Mortimer B. Zuckerman: Graffiti On History's Walls (MUST-READ!)

Jewish World Review Oct. 27, 2006 / 5 Mar-Cheshvan, 5767

Some skills are beyond repair

By Malcolm Fleschner


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http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | I'll be the first to admit that I'm not very handy — not when it comes to fixing things around the house, anyway. In some situations I can be awfully handy, like if somebody needs to know an obscure bit of pop culture from the '70s or '80s that no one has any business remembering. In fact, every few weeks I'll get a call from my friend Bradly in Pittsburgh so he can ask me questions like:

  • Who was that weird character on Mork & Mindy with the flowing robe and all the imaginary friends?

  • In Fletch, what made up name did Chevy Chase use when he introduced himself to Tim Matheson's wife?

  • What was the name of that terrible sitcom with the little girl who talked like a robot?


Sadly, this talent does me little good when, say, the garbage disposal stops working. It's not like I can open the cabinet beneath the sink and say, "Hey, did you know that the actor who played The Jeffersons' neighbor Mr. Bentley was also the guy on Sesame Street who painted numbers on everything?" and have the disposal start right up again. Believe me, I've tried.


Instead, much to my wife's chagrin, my preferred approach to most household repair issues is to ignore them. Take, for example, our back door latch that's been sticking lately. Sometimes the door won't open at all. When this happens I take immediate steps — straight to the side door. Were the side door also to break, I would just start using the front door, and so on. Eventually I would probably wind up climbing out an attic window and rappelling down the side of the house whenever I needed to leave.


I understand that most men do not think this way. More typical is my high school friend Doug. While visiting recently, he noticed our door problem and, after locating some tools I keep around — purely for decorative purposes — he took the door off its hinges and began fixing the latch, all without asking permission, mind you.


Looking over Doug with the door and various latch parts splayed around the kitchen, I couldn't imagine a more alien impulse. While staying as a guest in a friend's house I would no more take it upon myself to do household repairs than I would take out a Swiss army knife and begin performing amateur dentistry on the pets.


My guess is that most men probably learned their fix-it skills as boys while helping out in dad's workshop. I imagine a scene right out of a Norman Rockwell painting, with dad imparting to his young son valuable lessons like, "This is a 16 millimeter masonry drill bit. I asked for a 16 millimeter twist bit. Next time, get it the #&$@ right!"


Just my luck, I grew up in a single-parent household where the only home repair tool my mother knew how to use was the telephone. Every time the dishwasher overflowed, for example, Mom would snap into action by calling… the fire department. I guess her thinking was, "Who knows more about water spraying all over the place than the guys with the fire hoses?" Thankfully, I never got to test my theory that in the event of an actual fire, she would have dialed up Kenmore's 800 number.


On those occasions when the fire department was not up to handling our home repair needs, Mom hired a handyman. She always looked for three primary qualifications from a prospective handyman: experience, credentials and references. If you had any of these, Mom assumed you were too expensive for us, and kept looking.


To her credit, Mom wasn't about to hold it against a guy just because he'd done some prison time or smelled like he hadn't bathed since the Nixon Administration — especially not if a great deal on gutter repair was in the offing. "Besides," she no doubt figured, "what could happen as long as Malcolm's at home alone keeping an eye on things?"


As a result of this lowball approach to home improvement, all the broken windows and leaky faucets of my childhood were fixed by desperate-looking characters who appeared to have been plucked from a local Charles Manson look-alike contest.


Today, with the benefit of hindsight, I realize that if I hadn't been put off by the stench of cheap liquor and the incoherent mumbling, these drifters might have taught me some valuable household repair skills, not to mention how to use a sharpened spoon to fashion a prison tattoo.


Instead I barred the door to my room and watched TV, which I think may be why I know so little about home repair, whereas I retain a wealth of useless trivia. Which reminds me: Bradly, the answers to your questions are Exidor, John Cocktoasten and "Small Wonder."

Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here.

JWR contributor Malcolm Fleschner is a humor columnist for The DC Examiner. Let him know what you think by clicking here.


Previously:

10/18/06: You can't tech it with you
10/04/06: Award to the wise
08/24/06: Phrased and Confused
08/09/06: We're Gonna Party Like it's $19.99
07/19/06: Just Singing in the Brain
05/24/06: Who says you can't go home again?
05/11/06: When nightly news stories go off script
04/26/06: Cents and sensibility: A thought for your pennies
03/16/06: The day the Muzak died
02/23/06: Checkbook diplomacy begins at home
02/15/06: Today's toys: Where learning means earning



© 2006, Malcolm Fleschner

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