|
|
|
Jewish World Review Oct. 28, 2005 / 25 Tishrei, 5766 Attend any good ‘divorce parties’ lately? By Kathryn Lopez
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
A bizarre, damaging trend in love and marriage (or hate and divorce)
is currently being glorified by the media, needlessly sending out
harmful messages about marriage — playing with children's emotions
in a poisonous way.
As recently seen on "The Today Show" and "Good Morning America,"
"divorce parties" are all the rage. Was your marriage on the rocks?
Well, the divorce papers are signed and it's now time to play "pin
the blame on the ex" and "throw the wedding ring in the toilet"
games — or so it is if you talk to the likes of the author of "The
Woman's Book of Divorce: 101 Ways to Make Him Suffer Forever and
Ever" (Citadel, 2001). Unfortunately besides celebrating the end of
our most precious cultural institution, when there are kids involved
it's also making light of the fracturing of families — a potential
developmental disaster for children.
I hate to be a party pooper, but divorce has consequences. And to
anyone who would like to pretend it's not a scarring event — it may
not be you, but they are out there — author Elizabeth Marquardt has
one thing to say: There's actually no such thing as a "good
divorce."
That's the message in her new book, "Between Two Worlds: The Inner
Lives of Children of Divorce" (Crown).
Children of divorce, Marquardt found, have a level of discomfort
that kids with a married mom and dad just don't have. Sixty-nine
percent of children in two-parent families reported going to one or
both of their parents for comfort, while only 33 percent of children
sought help while living in a divorced family.
Children of divorce are also less likely to feel protected by their
parents, feel less safe at home, and are less likely to attend
religious services. Obviously, this shakes out in different ways and
to varying degrees, but it's certainly a developmental burden on
kids.
The aforementioned laundry list is not intended to make parents feel
bad. But it's a caution and a bit of a cultural wake-up call. "Most
parents take the decision to divorce quite seriously, but I urge
parents to think harder still," Marquardt writes. Sometimes, of
course, divorce really is what has to happen. Sometimes the marriage
is ended by one spouse, leaving the other to cope — with no real
way for the other to have prevented it. And, in the end, as
Marquardt notes, it's the couple's business.
But divorce is not always the only option. Marquardt reports that
two-thirds of all divorces end "low-conflict marriages." Instead of
infidelity or violence — real reasons to end a marriage — the
catalyst may be boredom. In which case, we are definitely taking
divorce too casually.
Recently, "Ask Amy" newspaper-advice columnist took a question from
a woman in one of these marriages:
"He's not abusive in any way, to the kids or me; I just don't know
if I love him anymore, and I can't stop scanning the 'apartments for
lease' section in the paper." The single-parent columnist wasn't
going to let "Good Mom But Tired of Being a Wife" get away with
casual-divorce daydreams. "Ask Amy" responded:
"Divorce — amicable and otherwise — stinks, and though I believe
that most amicably divorced families work things out quite well,
it's hard, hard, hard. Unless there is clear abuse or neglect
involved, children prefer for their parents to be together."
A few weeks later, a 13-year-old girl responded via the column to
"... Tired of Being a Wife" with the sign-off "Feeling Sad and
Betrayed." She wrote: "Guess what, if you are not a happy person,
moving out isn't going to magically make you happy. In fact, it will
make you more lonely and sad. It will make everyone sad. This lady
needs to work on the problem instead of blowing up her kids' lives.
It is her job to take care of them, first and foremost. Their trust
of her is on the line."
Marriage, as people vow on the big day, is through the good times
and the bad. That's not always easy, but it's not meant to be easy.
If you find yourself browsing through a divorce-party planner, you
might want to look to your family instead and see what you can do to
make it work. Man and wife and children will all be better off if
mom and dad stick it out together.
And if you've got to go through with the big divorce — splitting up
kids or not — please don't get a party started. Not only for the
children, but for the message it sends the rest of us about blessed
and arduous thing call marriage.
Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here.
Comment by clicking here.
© 2005, Newspaper Enterprise Assn. |
Arnold Ahlert | |||||||||||||||||
Click 
