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Jewish World Review Oct. 11, 2005 / 8 Tishrei, 5765 Don’t smell that car By Brad Dickson
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
The smell of a new car can harm you. Based on a daring report, "new car smell" is potentially toxic. Allegedly exposure to the glues, vinyl, and paint can result in headaches, sore throats, nausea and drowsiness.
Now before you rip off your clothing and go running through the streets screaming "New car odors kill! New car odors kill!" consider that this report is based on the work of a person so obscure and unknown he's a potential Bush Supreme Court nominee. Well, he would be if he wasn't from Australia.
I know what you're thinking. Why should we listen to a scientist from a country so lacking its biggest contributions to society are the "barbie," the boxing kangaroo, and the Outback Steakhouse?
Granted, but consider the big picture. This means that now nearly everything in this world that is pleasurable can, at the least, maim you. What next? Will we see headlines like "SLEEPING IN ON SUNDAY MORNINGS OFTEN FATAL," and, "NEWBORN PUPPY BREATH A CARCINOGEN"?
Everything started to go downhill for me personally after the study by the Center for Science in the Public Interest (a.k.a. "The Sky Is Falling Society") claiming my favorite food, movie theater popcorn, is basically the equivalent of eating rancid roadkill, only more expensive, and, you don't have to wait in line to eat rancid roadkill. (Unless you live in rural West Virginia.) We've also learned that Italian food, Mexican food, Chinese food, microwave ovens, cellphones, loud music, the Sun, on and on, are all terrible for your health. I pine for the old days, when the only health warnings that came out were the once-every-three-years or so reports of something new they discovered in a hot dog. ("Decayed Moose Tongue Parts Found in Frankfurters! Film at Eleven." )
This one hurts more than most. Half the fun of buying a new car is the smell.(The other half is asking, "What does your wife look like?" when the pushy salesman asks, "What do I have to do to put you in this car today?") Perhaps most surprising is that Congress is already pondering action regarding the legislation of new car smells. Give our federal government credit, they have their priorities.
A quick breakdown of the priorities of House and Senate leaders:
1: Voting themselves pay raises.
2. Giving "makeovers" to every denomination of currency and coin we've got. ("$30 Billion to have Andrew Jackson in a fedora with a mauve background sounds like a bargain to me!)"
3. Debating flag burning into the 38th century.
4. Preparing to ask tough, insightful questions of paralegal/Supreme Court nominee Harriet Miers, including, "Who are you again?" and, "I'm holding up photos of a cow, a football, a chicken, and a gavel; can you identify the gavel?"
5. Regulating new car odors.
6. Going to Mars. (Only to give the Martian currency a makeover.)
Aside from pending legislation how will this "new car smells are bad for you" report affect sales of bottles of "new car smell," which, as long as we're listing priorities, in chronological order of importance, comes right behind the outdoor grill, beer, the TV remote, the artificial heart, nose hair clippers, the Weed Whacker, off-track betting, beer nuts, and, electricity, as the tenth greatest invention known to man according to men?
And, instead of "new car odors" how about we concern ourselves with a more dangerous problem — old car odors? In hot weather I can still get a whiff of the day in '92 when on the way to the vet my dog threw up on the passenger seat carpet.
Ah, no sense worrying about it. By the time you read this, there will probably be five new headlines concerning benign, enjoyable stuff that's now deemed harmful.( "MOONLIGHT WALKS ON THE BEACH CAUSE HEADS TO EXPLODE." )
I have more to write, but I better err on the side of caution. Have you seen the report on computer keyboards and carpal tunnel syndrome?
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© 2005, Brad Dickson |
Arnold Ahlert | |||||||||||
