Jewish World Review Oct. 29, 2004 / 14 Mar-Cheshvan, 5765
This isn't an election,
it's a living nightmare
I'm sick of it. Sick of Bush and Kerry. Sick of their wives. Sick of Cheney and Edwards. And their wives.
Sick of the spinners, who, in plain English, are liars.
I'm sick of the cable TV yellers, who try to make up in heat what they don't have in light.
I'm sick of being told Jon Stewart is funny. I'm even sick of thinking about whether Jon Stewart is funny.
I just want it to be over.
Some days I don't care who wins. I'm a kid in a bad marriage. I just want them to stop shouting and screaming at each other.
Oh, for some peace. But where? Not on TV, where Dan Rather acts as if Rathergate never happened.
Not on the radio, where the choices run from right-wing nuts to the left's wackadoo wing. Football's no help. I was listening to a Jets game when an announcer said his partner's maybe-yes, maybe-no answer to a question was "Kerryesque."
Baseball? Fuhgeddaboudit. John Kerry let reporters come into his hotel room to watch him watch the Red Sox on TV. And to watch him drink domestic beer out of a bottle. It's the national pastime as political prop.
I'm sick of Kerry pretending to be a normal guy. Killing a goose to get the gun vote. Saying, "Who among us doesn't like NASCAR?" to get the racing vote.
President Bush bugs me, too. He and his Stepford Wife were on a stage in front of bales of hay. I'm thinking about the poor shlub who had to carry the hay so Bush could stand in front of it. That's the one job that won't be outsourced.
I'm sick of celebrities telling me whom to vote for. And of best seller lists gummed up with propaganda.
I get no peace in newspapers, where ink-stained wretches scrounge for verbs to describe what happened. So attacks were "sharpened" or rhetoric "escalated."
Oops, sorry, we already used that one. No matter. Once they've called each other liars and cowards, as Bush and Kerry did months ago, it's hard to escalate.
Which is why nobody's listening anymore. Yes, I know - there are 24 people in Florida and 52 in Ohio who haven't made up their minds. Has anyone checked the "undecideds" for a pulse?
I'm sick of the undecideds. I think they are just lonely people who like the attention they're getting.
The campaign seems as if it's been going on forever because it has. John Edwards gave his first speech, in Iowa, in March 2001 - six weeks after Bush took office! Howard Dean said in May 2002 he was running. Al Gore said in December 2002 he wasn't.
I'm still sick of Gore from four years ago. Can't he go away? But nooo, like a bad penny, he's in Florida again. Get a life, fella.
And Bill Clinton as hero? Not long ago, he was intern-chasing scum.
But soon it'll be over. By Wednesday, we'll know who won and everyone will be okay with that, right?
Wrong. Democrats have 10,000 lawyers ready to sue. The GOP has thousands of poll watchers. Both sides are calling "foul!" for practice.
And now the Supreme Court may be short a chief judge. Last time's 5-to-4 vote could be 4-to-4.
Chill, my fellow Americans. It doesn't matter who wins because already there's buzz about 2008. The next campaign will be starting soon.
I'm already sick of it.
Michael Goodwin is a Pulitzer Prize-winning columnist for the New York Daily News Comment by clicking here.
10/27/04: Why Teresa Heinz Kerry is such a flake
10/14/04: Kerry's scary on terrorism: Unchanged by 9/11, he says, and no real ideas about what to do
10/05/04: The Big Mo still looking for its lover
09/28/04: What we're up against: The war on terror & the war in Iraq are now one and the same
09/14/04: Media bias is doing nation a disservice
08/18/04: Kerry confusion will soon be unforgivable
07/29/04: Why are the wackadoos still dear to Dems' hearts?
07/21/04: Kerry couldn't say no: Hillary waffle was just part of a wimpy week
© 2004, New York Daily News.
Distributed by Knight Ridder/Tribune Information Services.