First Person

Jewish World Review Oct. 5, 2001 / 18 Tishrei, 5762

Detail from "Shabbat with The Tesslers"
A mitzvah resolution


By Rabbi Dov Fischer


WE all have favorite mitzvos: slowing down the pace on the Sabbath, building a sukkah, frolicking at Purim, studying Jewish texts, praying to G-d. With the start of the new Year, my resolution is to share the amazing experience we call hachnasas orchim. It means opening one's home to visitors, sometimes even to utter strangers. It frequently is marked by inviting friends and guests for Shabbes meals.

During the early years of my marriage, we hosted friends for Sabbath meals in our itsy-bitsy 11th-floor apartment on Manhattan's Upper West Side, and we were similarly hosted. Many of the friends slept over, and we slept at their homes, too.

In later years, with several children growing up in our suburban Los Angeles home, we extended invitations to families with children. Invitations would be reciprocated, and over the course of many hours and many such meals, we made friends, learned more about ourselves, and shared an expanded world of different viewpoints and experiences with our children. As the adults' conversations would linger through the afternoon, the kids would slink away from the table, pull out toys and games, and play with their guests.

When we moved to the East Valley in September 1995, we were newcomers. With certain notable and special exceptions, Shabbes meal invitations were not forthcoming. Although we were six mouths to feed, something seemed wrong with the community into which we had moved. So we just took the initiative, started inviting strangers to our home, people we did not know, to break the ice. The invitations were reciprocated, multiplied, and we had found a niche.

In October 1999, I went through the personal tragedy of a divorce. I felt personally lost, very much alone. A lady in my congregational community, Lilly Kahn-Rose, approached me one Shabbes soon after, offering to help me in some way. I responded: "Please invite me and my children for some Shabbes meals, and please help me get some Shabbes meal invitations from others in the community. I can buy cold cuts, side dishes, and challah, can recite kiddush and lead z'miros melodies, but it is going to be so lonely and feel so minimalist in our apartment. Please help me get me some Shabbes invitations."

A week later, Lilly called me and asked me for my fax number. The fax arrived soon after - with a list of confirmed Shabbes invitations for my children and me for every Friday night dinner and Shabbes lunch for the next seven months.

Throughout those next seven months, I met a community of wonderful, warm, loving people who are rearing their own families, burdened by their own struggles and concerns, yet who rushed to open their homes to my children and me. During those seven months, I never once felt like a beggar from Jerusalem. Instead, we talked throughout the meals, about mitzvos and ideas, about Israel, about the movies, about the busway, about broccoli in Guatemala, about the stuff that goes on in families.

It made a potentially devastating period in my life not only bearable but extraordinary. I learned much Torah, even though I have some learning. I continued evolving as a person. In fact, Linda Charlin, the hostess in one family that hosted us most frequently, along with the Kahn-Roses, asked me after one Shabbes lunch whether I would be interested in meeting a friend of hers. Ellen and I married a year later, but not before three other hosts initiated suggestions to set me up with acquaintances.

So, at the beginning of this year, I bare a personal side of myself because, in sharing, I believe it can do some good. There are single people in your community, and Shabbes can be very lonely for singles. There are divorced and widowed people and orphans and strangers in your community. There are neighbors, some sitting next to you at temple, some dwelling down the block. Many have their own Shabbes table. Invite them anyway. Many others do not even observe the Shabbes - invite them for the Friday night dinner and ritual.

During my 10 years as an active congregational rabbi, and through 30 years as a grown-up, I cannot think of a more satisfying and meaningful way in which I have shared Judaism with others, and in which others have shared Judaism with me, than through hachnasas orchim and Shabbes meals.

And to this day I still can remember those exquisite moments when I was invited as an utter stranger to share Shabbes with a family while I was on the road. Like when I got stuck in Cleveland at a Jones Day law firm conference, and an associate there invited me, an utter stranger, to share Shabbes with his wife and kids. That invitation led to a friendship that, eight years later, saw him fly in from Boston to attend my remarriage and that now has me shopping for a bar mitzvah gift for his son.

Now that I am remarried, it is time to open my doors to others once again, something Ellen never has stopped doing. I hope you will share, too, in our "favorite mitzvah."


JWR contributor Rabbi Dov Fischer is a Los Angeles-based lawyer. Send your comments Rabbi Dov Fischerby clicking here.


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© 2001, Rabbi Dov Fischer