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Jewish World Review Sept. 20, 2010 / 12 Tishrei, 5771 Conversational Transmitted Diseases By Alan Douglas
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
As
he was departing Grouch Marx told his host " I've had a perfectly wonderful evening.
But this wasn't it.
The rest of us who are more timid or gracious, suffer boredom without
offering feedback. We consider all the hours of our lives spent
in desolate conversations. But it is my obligation to point out
that you, my cherished reader, are boring to someone. Conversational
dynamics are more often about the audience than the content. If
there is no basis for communication, mutual interest, or attraction,
someone is bored. Be prepared to sound the "dull alarm" when it
is warranted.
An
icon of modern advertising, David Olgivy, tells of an argument he had
with one his young colleagues at an ad agency. The young man maintained
that to be successful an ad had to emphasize graphics, pictures, and
visuals. In today's world, the colleague argued, people are
not readers; long blocks of text are out of date. Words are out,
images are in. Olgivy countered that both were merely instruments,
and advertising was as good or bad as the creative talent creating it.
Intelligent and creative ads could be developed using any tools to communicate.
Olgivy bet he could write a full-page ad that was nothing but text,
using no visuals and when it was show to a third-party they would read
every word of it. The wager was arranged, Joan Jones, an agency
employee was selected as their guinea pig. Olgivy returned with
his ad, a full-page of text and asked Ms. Jones, "Would you want to
read this ad?" She didn't wait to respond and grabbed the ad from
Olgivy so she could start reading it. The headline for the "ad"
read, "The Most Important Things to Know About Joan Jones."
What interests us most in life is ourselves.
You
may not have the slightest interest in field hockey and that is all
the other person wants to talk about. Your grandchildren and dog
are cute but mine are exceptional. Being a good listener has its
rewards and perils. Flattery is not hard to give, and always
received with open arms. Making other people feel good can be
an end in itself. And that is not such a bad thing. For many people
the opportunity to talk, to communicate, to socialize is what truly
matters. I learned when I attended dog obedience school that dogs
are social animals. They crave companionship and attention.
If a dog is bored or ignored then it will do something good or something
bad to get attention. Even punishment is better than being ignored.
If that is true for dogs what does it say about the human need for attention?
It
is up to you not to be dull. Listening will get you part of the
distance, but can you go to an event that holds no interest for you
and learn something new? Can you chat with strangers and find
anything interesting about them or their life? Can you locate
common ground in conversation with strangers? Can you discover
a topic they are interested in? If you can't generate a spark
in most situations you may be the dull one.
My
late mother-in-law, Selma, had a heart of gold but she would talk so
much, and so long, that when we invited friends to our house for an
evening they would excuse themselves so they could go to the bathroom;
just for a few moments of silence. Selma inspired my study of
Chatting Syndromes. After decades of research spent with world-renowned
experts I have isolated and identified 247 "Chatting Syndromes."
Here are three examples…
V.P.L.,
Vertical Personal Link is one of the most commonly exhibited symptoms
to be found in the general population. When an individual or group
is discussing a topic, those afflicted with V.P.L. are compelled to
immediately start pointing out how they somehow have a link to the topic.
One point of clarification, this syndrome should not be confused, and
is in no way related to the other recognized V.P.L. syndrome, Visible
Panty Line. A classic instance of the Chatting Syndrome V.P.L.
is when someone relates the death of a loved one or illness prompting
their grief. Insensitive clods (most of us) with V.P.L. reply
by giving detailed accounts of our own experiences where we suffered.
Those with V.P.L. want to demonstrate that they can understand the pain
of others. V.P.L. can be done with the best of intentions or a
contest for one-upmanship or downmanship, but the result is still not
comforting. "Oy, you think your Herman suffered before he died?
Let me tell you about my Irving…" V.P.L. can be contagious
in times of national disasters by people in great distress because their
third cousin's brother-in-law is one of the one miners trapped inside
a coal mine or a passenger on the airplane that crashed.
Snippets
Segue-way Syndrome (S.S.S.) is closely related to V.P.L. It
poses a pandemic threat to us all as our population ages and hearing
becomes diminished. You hear just enough to sort of understand.
Three senior citizens are walking on the boardwalk. The first
guy says, "Gee, it's kind of windy." The second one nods,
pauses and says, "Wednesday, are you sure? I thought today was
Thursday." The third looks at his companion a moment and adds,
"You know, I'm thirsty too. Let's stop and get a drink."
So the three men walk into a bar. With Snippets Segue way, a single
word triggers a reaction; it is a verbal pinball game. When two
couples go out for the evening with the men seated in the front seat
of the car and the women seated together in the rear seat, S.S.S. is
often present. Men and women who aren't ever growing any older
explain that no one "really needs" a hearing aid and "they don't
really work anyway." S.S.S. is not about listening, but about
hearing.
Fixed
Categorical Conversation (F.C.C.). Those obsessed with their
home town, fans of certain television shows, individuals who frequent
health food stores, and others, have been found to be genetically predisposed
to a genetic condition resulting in Fixed Categorical Conversation (F.C.C.)
Syndrome. Those suffering from F.C.C. posses chromosomes configured
in a pattern allowing them to only discuss six to eight areas in all
of their conversations. All other conversation topics are converted
to one of these limited categories. My mother-in-law Selma, had
reduced all discussions to five topic areas: things and people
in New Jersey, all matters Jewish, family, food she definitely could
not eat (many a waitress went in deep states of despair after the full
recitation of objectionable menu items), and of course, items it would
be nice if someone gave her. And the odd thing about F.C.C. is
that now, years later, we miss hearing Selma cover those five categories.
In
the interest of science I urge each of you to be on the look out for
Chatting Syndromes and report them promptly to me at the email address
below. You do not need to identify the parties and all reports
will be strictly confidential. Should you or one of your loved
ones suffer from a Chatting Syndrome and seek help, know that I am available
(as a highly paid consultant) for interventions. And, please work
at not being dull. You never know whom you will offend and will
need a second chance. But if you are dull, then people rarely
care enough to give you a second chance.
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JWR contributor Alan Douglas, an author, media executive, speaker, and attorney, lives con brio- except when he is grumpy.
Conservative, Liberal or American
© 2010 Alan Douglas
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Arnold Ahlert | |||||||||||||
