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Jewish World Review Sept. 27, 2010 / 19 Tishrei, 5771 When your child suffers By Alan Douglas
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
At lunch last week my friend told me about his frustration at not being able to do more for his child. My friend's son had narrowly survived a horrendous auto accident with a tractor trailer and was now struggling with its aftermath. The physical, mental and economic consequences of this accident had turned a dynamic young man into a battered survivor. The grit and good cheer with which victims face their fate initially, is a thin veneer. When the flowers and appreciation fade, it is tough day in and day out to live in a very small world where you are dependent on others and bills need to be paid. What do we do when friends, loved ones, and children suffer?
During life's journey we encounter inspirational leaders, motivational speakers and those who give spiritual guidance. My mission is less lofty. I try to provide my fellow travelers in life with some road-side assistance. You may yearn for a value driven life - but sometimes you need a tow truck. So, to help my friend, I told him about lotteries and fairy tales.
I buy lottery tickets as therapy and for ethical guidance. Oh, winning a fortune would be nice, but it is irrational to reasonably and rationally believe you have a probability of winning. Motivated by fear and greed, the slogan, "You can't win if you don't play" convinces the masses to buy lottery tickets. One rule is that each year that you should donate more to charity than you spend gambling. My motivation, and rationalization, for buying lottery tickets is different from most people. After thinking what I would buy (as instructed by my wife) I then assess which individuals, charities, and causes would become beneficiaries. Which charities or causes would use the money best? Even more interesting, is thinking about the reaction and expectations of my friends and family. It is clear that many relationships would change and that conjecture has shaped my outlook. The television series, The Millionaire, had lots of happy endings, but many lottery winners today end up unhappy, and often poor. Once you accept that sudden good fortune is hard to handle, you recognize why sudden misfortune, deserved or not, is even harder to handle.
In the lottery of life, you don't even have to buy a ticket to lose. When tragedy or misfortune hits us, how we react often determines our eventual happiness. When I hear of friends and family praising the victims as having a "great attitude" a red flag goes up. The problem with such praise is that it can encourage or mask what is really denial. A sick child shouldn't be made to be afraid, but encouraging suffering children to put a smile on their face and be brave can cause damage. No child (or adult) should be expected to be cheerful when faced with a disaster. Too much praise, by inference, can mistakenly identify a positive or cheerful attitude as courageous. In times of crisis and despair do not place an additional burden by setting unrealistic standards. Stiff upper lips and false bravado aren't meant to be permanent. A Calvin and Hobbes cartoon by Bill Water, pointed out that, "No situation is so bad that it can't be made worse, by adding guilt." Recovering, rehabilitating victims should be able to complain and cry as they fight back from the brink. Anger and bitterness can either be obstacles or necessary to progress. Most family and friends fear these nasty, negative reactions and become uncomfortable with this dark side of recovery. My advice is that you learn to get past those inspiring Hollywood movies where the hero smiles through his pain, and live in the real world. Being cheerful can sometimes get in the way. Get back to work helping your child or friend to focus on their struggle to find and build their new life. After winning the lottery or losing their health, no one returns to their old life. It is gone.
The second story I told my friend comes from child psychiatrist, Bruno Bettelheim's award winning book, "The Uses of Enchantment - The Meaning and Importance of Fairy Tales." In one of his cases, a child had totally withdrawn due to infantile autism. She would either do nothing or erupt into tantrums. But the imperative that ruled this child's life was to keep her environment the same and avoid any change. Bettelheim felt that one of the causes of the child's terror associated with change was because she couldn't imagine any change for the better. After extensive therapy finally delivered the child from her isolation, she was asked what characterizes good parents. She replied, "They hope for you." Bettelheim concludes that parents must strive to feel hope for their children and communicate this to their children. Parents should create hope in their children, for themselves and for their future.
This isn't about a positive attitude or self esteem. A fairy tale is as realistic as winning the lottery, but our ability to dream is essential to our humanity. We all need our family and friends to affirm their, and our, dreams. Bruno Bettelheim, a holocaust survivor and child psychologist, said, "We need others to uplift us with their hope for us and our future. We can then build castles in the air, half aware that these are just that, but gaining deep reassurance from it nonetheless. While the fantasy is unreal, the good feelings it gives us about ourselves and our future are real, and these real good feelings are what we need to sustain us." Desperate parents have to dream with, and for, their children. The rest of us can make sure our loved ones know that, "We hope for them."
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JWR contributor Alan Douglas, an author, media executive, speaker, and attorney, lives con brio- except when he is grumpy.
Conversational Transmitted Diseases
© 2010 Alan Douglas
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