May 24, 2012 Jeff Jacoby: The peace process battered Israel's reputation Near-nuclear nation threatens to walk out of summit unless it gets its way Clifford D. May: What Iran's Rulers Want Michael Muskal: 'Pro-choice' position hits record low, according to poll Chris Farrell: Are We in a Tech Bubble? Kimberly Lankford: Switching Medicare Advantage Plans Mid-Year Bryan McIver, M.B., Ch.B., Ph.D.: Mayo Clinic Medical Edge: Understanding hyperthyroidism and its variety of treatment options French rights groups want Google to stop suggesting 'Jew' Two-fly rule for Beijing toilets The Kosher Gourmet by Penelope Wall: PHILLY CHEESE STEAKS --- hold the steak! May 23, 2012 Ex-CIA spy in Iran's Revolutionary Guard: Baghdad talks highlight Western naivete Putin's latest defiance shows Obama's whisper didn't work Tony Pugh: More private colleges offering tuition discounts Lisa Gerstner: 4 Money-Etiquette Questions Answered Mary Beth Franklin: How to Choose the Right Annuity for You Art Markman, Ph.D.: Get smart: How to bulk up your creativity muscles Israeli scientists use skin cells to help repair heart muscle Tina Susman: The wig wasn't enough: Man gets 13 years for posing as his dead mom The Kosher Gourmet by Emma Christensen:A simple way to do fish right May 22, 2012 David S. Cloud and Kathleen Hennessey: Obama changes mind on Pakistan invite to NATO summit --- and then gets dissed by country's president US Senate approves new sanctions against Iran ahead of Baghdad talks Warren Richey: Can US group challenge overseas surveillance act? Supreme Court to decide Supreme Court: Twins can't claim dead dad's benefits Thomas M. Anderson: Walking Away From a Mortgage Environmental Nutrition editors: The lowdown on a low-acid diet Pomegranate juice maker used deceptive ads, FTC judge rules Relatives outraged over spoof on Hamas chief's killing The Kosher Gourmet by Megan Gordon: Enjoy a celebration of the most rich and layered flavors: Black bean, sweet potato and quinoa chili May 21, 2012 Mark Clayton: Cybersecurity: How US utilities passed up chance to protect their networks Howard LaFranchi: NATO summit: Who will foot the bill for long-term Afghanistan security? Chris Farrell : Earn Dividends in Emerging Markets with This WisdomTree ETF James K. Glassman: 5 Stock Picks Among Online Retailers Stephen Whiteside, Ph.D. : Mayo Clinic Medical Edge: Social anxiety disorder --- or just shy? Guy Jackson : Victim's father regrets death of Lockerbie bomber The Kosher Gourmet by Mario Batali: Famed chef's veal shoulder farsumagru: A festive meat course for late spring May 18, 2012 Rabbi Berel Wein: Striving: The People of the Book's Book for (All of) the People Caroline B. 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The Kosher Gourmet by Faith Duran : Cheesy Potato Breakfast Casserole with Cheddar and Sun-Dried Tomatoes May 16, 2012 Jackson Holahan: The Aleppo Codex Jonathan Tobin : Iran Declares Victory in Nuclear Talks Kiplinger Reports, Summarized Anne Kates Smith: 7 Stocks That Let You Sleep Tight Carmen Terzic, M.D., Ph.D. : Mayo Clinic Medical Edge: A variety of exercises can help improve balance Melissa Healy: National strategy on Alzheimer's disease aims to halt it by 2025 The Kosher Gourmet by Joyce White : GOODNESS GRACIOUS: GREENS! 4 winning recipes that are no longer just for down-home folks (Includes expert tips & techniques) May 15, 2012 Dennis Prager: God and Man at (and for) Liberty Kristen Chick: Obama administration resumes arms sales to Bahrain despite serious unresolved human rights issues. Activists feel abandoned Pat Mertz Esswein: Homes are now affordable again and mortgage rates are low. What you need to know before you buy Kathy Kristof: Our Practical Investor Fights Inflation with These 6 Investments Sue Hubbard, M.D.: The Kid's Doctor: Lactose intolerant young child? Check again Environmental Nutrition Editors: Get the facts on palm sugar sweetening The Kosher Gourmet by Kathy Hunt: Spread a Little Excitement with EXOTIC CONDIMENTS (4 RECIPES) May 14, 2012 Richard Simon: Purple Hearts for domestic terror victims? Nando Pelusi, Ph.D.: The privacy paradox: Surrounded by strangers, we risk isolation, anxiety Chris Farrell: Investing Lessons from the Great Recession Lisa Gerstner: How to Protect Your Identity, Finances If You Lose Your Phone Harvard Health Letters: Heart disease and dementia Tiffany O'Callaghan: New hormone mimics effects of exercise without the sweat The Kosher Gourmet by Megan Gordon: MANGO COCONUT OAT MORNING MUFFINS are a bright but hearty delight May 11, 2012 Rabbi B. 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Loiko: Putin sends warning to U.S., NATO in Victory Day speech at Red Square Mary Rourke: How being a 'mentch' got Vidal Sasoon his start and fighting in Israel's War of Independence provided him with confidence and a strong sense of his own identity Harvard Health Letters: Palliative care: Underused therapy yields surprising benefits Jeff Bertolucci: Get Home Phone Service for Less Than $10 a Month Rachel L. Sheedy and Susan B. Garland : Make the Right Moves to Boost Benefits The Kosher Gourmet by Betty Rosbottom: Gleaming with its golden, crimson, and snowy white hues, this silken smooth and creamy STRAWBERRY ORANGE TRIFLE looks impressive, but is easy to prepare May 9, 2012 John Rosemond: Parents, stop destroying the American male Valerie J. Nelson: Maurice Sendak, author of 'Where the Wild Things Are,' dies at 83 Bob Frick: Angst Over Annuities Sharon Palmer, R.D. How you can reduce your risk -- or delay -- chronic diseases associated with aging Howard LeWine, M.D.: Ask the Harvard Experts: Why did my blood pressure suddenly shoot up? Lisa Gerstner: Lower the Rate on All Your Loans The Kosher Gourmet by Emily Ho : Springtime soba with miso sauce offers a coloful mix of fresh textures and flavors May 8, 2012 Edmund Sanders: Netanyahu suddenly cancels new elections, forms unity government Frank J. Gaffney Jr.: Farewell to European superstate Anne Kates Smith: 4 Stocks That Mimic Buffett and Berkshire Hathaway Gaia Vince and Clare Wilson The Rise of Miniature Medical Robots: Fantasy Fast Becoming Reality Paul Takahashi, M.D.: Mayo Clinic Medical Edge: Never suffer night leg cramps Jessica L. Anderson: Extended-Warranty Warning The Kosher Gourmet by Diane Rossen Worthington: Celebrate National Chocolate Chip Day with the Best Cookie Ever (Includes techniques) May 7, 2012 Mark Clayton: Homeland Security warns major cyber attack aimed at gas pipeline industry underway Angus Roxburgh: Putin Decoded: World view of a Russian feeling dissed Kimberly Lankford: Navigate a Course for Long-Term Care Kevin McCormally How to Adjust Your Tax Withholding Celeste Robb-Nicholson, M.D.: Harvard Health Letters: How do you treat a Baker's cyst? Joanne Capano: Healthy Snacks for Children: The Choices May Surprise You The Kosher Gourmet by Penelope Wall: Classic Creamy Spinach Dip with a Fraction of the Calories and Fat May 4, 2012 Rabbi Nathan Lopes Cardozo: Holy 'trivialities' Jonathan Tobin: Bibi v. Barak will be no contest this time around Steven Goldberg: Blue Chip Stocks On Sale Worldwide Art Pine Slow Productivity Growth a Blessing --- For Now Sue Hubbard, M.D. : The Kid's Doctor: Are Kids Too Wired? Kerri-Ann Jennings, M.S., R.D: Foods that are good for your smile Amy Paturel, M.S., M.P.H.: Eating Well: Foods that are good for your smile The Kosher Gourmet by Betty Rosbottom: Strawberry rhubarb parfaits are elegant yet simple to assemble May 3, 2012 Michael Freund: Who's Afraid of the Messiah? Clifford D. May: The Foggiest War Susan B. Garland: Insurance to Cover Old Old Age Steven Goldberg 6 Reasons to Bet on a Big Bull Market Harvard Health Letters: Treating prostate cancer --- no rush to judgment Larry Gordon: Harvard, MIT partner to offer free online courses Naomi Nix : Man gets free trip to Chicago after postcard sent by mother in 1957 finally reaches him The Kosher Gourmet by Diane Rossen Worthington: Intensely Italian vegetable frittata is a seriously simple standby

Jewish World Review Sept. 29, 2006 / Tishrei, 5767 Hurry Up and Read This . . . And stop wasting my time By Gene Weingarten http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | I was standing in line at the post office the other day, waiting to get a money order. At the counter, a customer was contesting the price of his postage. A cheerful discussion ensued about the cost of various options for shipping, with much tut-tutting and commiserating about how prices had gone up recently, and wasn't it a shame, and so forth. "WILL YOU STOP THIS INANE CHATTER AND GET ON WITH IT?" I blurted. Oblivious, customer and clerk finally settled on a more cost-effective method of shipping, saving the guy all of 45 cents. Only then did the customer begin to dig into his pockets, as though the thought of actually paying for this service had just occurred to him. Many pockets were involved, as well as many variations of currency, including pennies. "HEY NITWIT!" I yelled. "SOME PEOPLE ARE IN A HURRY." Finally, after the payment was proffered, and elaborately counted and re-counted, the clerk asked the customer, pleasantly, "Will you be needing any stamps today, or any other merchandise?" "GOOD IDEA!" I hollered. "MAYBE YOU CAN STILL SET THE RECORD FOR THE LONGEST COMMERCIAL TRANSACTION IN HUMAN HISTORY. MAYBE THIS CAN SURPASS THE LOUISIANA PURCHASE." As you can probably surmise, because I remain alive, the screaming was all in my head. I do this all the time. My profound impatience about small matters of everyday living is both a curse and an embarrassment. At these times I enter my own personal space, in which I become something that rhymes with "glass bowl." This is my Glass Bowl Mode. Glass Bowl Mode is wordless but, sadly, not entirely interior and private. I roll my eyes. I fidget. I take long, deep, sighs. That is why, when I finally make it to the front of the line and the anxiety ebbs, I am filled with remorse and self-loathing and become overly cordial to the point of obsequiousness. It is hell being me. In restaurants, I am always nice to the wait staff and tip generously. I like to think that is because I am a good guy who understands the thanklessness of the server's job, but I know it is also because I secretly fear the server can hear or sense the abuse roiling in my head. This abuse tends to occur at the end of the meal, if the server fails to deliver the check promptly and is nowhere to be found, sometimes for as long as five entire minutes. "HEY, DWEEBO, YOU GONNA MAKE ME BEG FOR THE PRIVILEGE OF PAYING FOR OVERCOOKED FISH?" (Do I understand that not delivering the check immediately can be a form of graciousness, since the restaurant is obviously not hurrying you out the door? Of course I do. Do I care? No. Glass Bowl Mode refuses to entertain any logic that does not fuel its rage.) I'm not sure why I am like this, since my time is no more valuable than anyone else's — and, truth be told, is often of no value at all. On the day I visited the post office, my next responsibility involved completing a crossword puzzle. Sometimes, I actually do scream aloud, but it is only when I am in my car, with the windows rolled up. Frequently this will occur when I am the third car in a line waiting at a left-turn signal. The light will change to green, but the driver at the light will not move. An interminable second or two will pass. That is not the point at which I scream. That is the point at which I honk my horn. Often when this happens, the driver directly in front of me will angrily throw up his hands, as if to say, "What do you want me to do about it?" To the practicing Glass Bowl, that is the last straw. That is when I scream: "I WANT YOU TO STOP BEING A PASSIVE JACKASS. I WANT YOU TO HONK AT THE GUY IN FRONT OF YOU SO WE CAN BOTH MAKE IT THROUGH THE LIGHT INSTEAD OF ONLY HIM AFTER HE FINALLY WAKES UP A NANOSECOND BEFORE THE LIGHT CHANGES AND BLGDGF SPRTRLFF." That last bit involves strangling on the spit and bile in my mouth. My wife believes this is a sickness, and I have to agree. If there were a cure, I would gladly enter into a 12-step program. Well, five steps. Three. Okay, one. If anyone comes up with a one-step program, sign me up. Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here. Gene Weingarten writes the Below the Beltway humor column for The Washington Post. To comment, please click here. Archives © 2006 WPWG

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