ITEM: Former New Jersey Gov. Jim McGreevey claims he seduced the Israeli man who forced him out of the closet while his wife was in the hospital recovering from the birth of their daughter. "I was totally in love with this man," McGreevey writes in "The Confession." New York Daily News, Sept. 14
James, baby! Out of the closet and into the big time and I'm not just saying that because I'm your agent! I'm saying it because once you hit the airwaves this week, on "Oprah," the "Today" show (hands off Matt!) and "The View" (hands off Rosie!), the world is going to go gaga for the first public figure to say it loud and say it proud: I am a Gay American . . . who couldn't keep it in his pants even while his wife was in the hospital, wondering when he was coming back with the ice pack.
The public's gonna love you!
Notwithstanding that sort of frosty reception you got at the Oprah pretape, I mean.
Sure, some squares are going to wonder why you wrote a book like this. "What's the point?" they'll say. "We already knew you gave the state's top security job to your boyfriend who wasn't even a citizen. Why'd you have to give us all the sordid details?
And what's with all those guys you picked up at Parkway truck stops? Your book describes them as 'Bikers, executives, blue collar workers . . . every shade of race.' When you're out campaigning you're only supposed to SHAKE HANDS."
But you know, deep down, they love the naughty bits. It's not like they rushed out to buy "Pataki: Where I Come From," right? So, screw 'em. (Not literally!) When they start asking, "Why?" you tell them: Why? WHY? Because you're HONEST, that's why! And honesty is GOOD, so YOU are GOOD. Case closed.
Then, a new life opens. It always does. Ask Hugh Grant. Ask Eddie Murphy. Ask Mel Gibson (but maybe wait a few weeks). All you gotta do is get out there and laugh with Hannity and cry with Meredith and hold up the most honesty that $26.95 can buy. By the time they cut to a commercial, your phone will be ringing off the hook. (I'd change the "We're in the Money" ring tone, by the way.)
Maybe it'll be Judith Regan wanting a sequel "Pants Down, Chin Up" a self-help sort of thing. Or Andrew Lloyd Webber with an idea for a musical: "Dogs." Or Mattel!
Or not. All I'm saying is that all sorts of things will be coming your way that WEREN'T when when you were just a run-of-the-mill, corrupt, delusional and possibly about-to-be-blackmailed politician. Now you're Super Cad! You're like Bill Clinton, but caddier! Not because you're gay. BECAUSE YOUR WIFE WAS IN THE HOSPITAL! WITH YOUR BABY!
So get out there and milk it, Jimbo. Then say you've grown, you've embraced your spirituality and you really don't feel that way about Brooke's postpartum depression.
Ooops. Sorry. I have a lot of clients. Just hold up the book and smile.