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Jewish World Review Sept. 25, 2006 / 3 Tishrei, 5767 Terrorism? No! Wussification? Yes! By Tom Purcell
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
There's a reason Middle Eastern men riot and kill people every time somebody says or does something they don't like: testosterone. There's a solution, too: "wussification."
Maybe I better explain.
Testosterone has long been a problem for civil society. Most violent crimes are caused by it. Most car wrecks, too. Younger men, cursed with an abundance of the stuff, are often reckless and destructive and eager to fight at the drop of a hat.
The key to civil society has been to properly channel testosterone. My father, to cite a common example, married at 23 and directed his hard-charging energies to good use. He worked hard to provide for his young family.
Big changes
But over the last 40 years, as our society has become more "progressive," we've found another solution to the challenges of testosterone: We've gotten rid of it. We've gotten rid of it because women don't want it anymore.
In the old days, see, when a man channeled his testosterone to good ends — when he was able to win a woman's affection by performing for her — even a bald, chubby guy could land a decent wife so long as he had a CPA.
But women don't need us to provide for them anymore. What's worse is they now do to us what we've long done to them — judge us by our looks. Then they demand that we understand them and fulfill their deepest emotional needs.
American men, trying to become what women say they want, have been transformed as a result. We thumb through Men's Fitness (Men's Twitness?) to master "101 gut loss tips." We're desperate to remake ourselves into lean, mean, pretty-boy machines.
And we've gotten in touch with our feminine side. We mist up at wedding showers. We're as agile at Bed, Bath & Beyond as we used to be at the Keg & Barrel.
Evidence of our transformation is all around us. Most every man on the tube is portrayed as a hapless idiot — especially if he is a father. But every woman on television is measured, confident, smart and strong. She's able to kick the pudding out of any man.
And a man fears nothing more than a woman with a hair-trigger kneecap.
Weapon for good
The short of it: We've become a country of wusses. Were we not at war, I might decry our transformation. But then I had a realization: Our wussification is the greatest weapon we have in the war on terror.
I hereby propose an innovative new program: AmeriWomanCorps. Here's how it will work: American women, in service to their country, will sign up for a six-month or one-year tour of duty. They will be dispatched to live and work in the Middle East just as they do in America.
The program may be rocky at first. American women, unfamiliar with testosterone, will initially be puzzled by Middle Eastern men. Say what you will about those boys, but they're loaded with the stuff. Likewise, Middle Eastern men, used to bossing their women around, will have no idea what our women are about to do to them.
The transformation will be swift. Instead of going to the gym to prepare for the next terrorist attack, Middle Eastern men will soon find themselves obsessing over building six-pack abs.
Instead of spending weeks training for jihad in the mountains, they'll be at the salon getting manicures. They'll spend hours watching the Lifetime channel or "The View" or other estrogen-laced broadcasts ("Osama bin Oprah"?).
Instead of spending hours fomenting their hatred of the Great Satan, they'll be at the mall lugging around shopping bags and shaking their heads vigorously when their American girlfriends ask, "Does this make me look fat?"
I know religious extremism is the real cause of the threat we face, but testosterone is the fuel. Wussification will sap our enemies of that fuel and the terrorist threat will be forever thwarted.
It's not possible to massacre innocent civilians when you're worried about scuffing up your Bruno Magli shoes.
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© 2006, Tom Purcell |
Arnold Ahlert | |||||||||||
