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Jewish World Review
Sept. 1, 2006
/ 8 Elul, 5766
A Screaming Howard Dean rants, Where is our PLAN!?
On a fund-raising stop in America's heartland, Democratic National Chairman Howard Dean seemingly had a nervous breakdown when asked a question about the party's platform for the 2008 election year. "I am SICK and TIRED of hearing that question because I am SICK and TIRED of us not having a plan for the third straight Presidential election. In fact, we have not had a plan since Franklin 'Flippin' Delano 'Darn' Roosevelt in 1932 when we were in the middle of a #^$^#%%!*$@ #$@!^&* DEPRESSION!" screamed the former Governor of Vermont. When asked what he meant by that, Dean rattled off the past Democratic candidates for President and validated his reasoning.
"Well, there was, 'Give 'em hell Harry Truman in 1948, and after he obliterated Hiroshima he didn't NEED a plan. Adlai Stevenson? He had a HOLE in his thinking as big as the hole in his shoe! He talked like Einstein calculated. Not a damn person UNDERSTOOD him! Biggest wuss since Chamberlain gave Hitler carte blanche. That wasted our hopes in 1952 AND 1956. Then along came Kennedy and his 'plan' was that he was good-looking and Nixon was not. By the time he figured out the Russians and how to be a President he was getting on a plane to Dallas. End of story. Then, LBJ won in 1964. Big deal. If Harold Stassen had been the Vice-President under JFK he WOULD have won! The country was so freaked out after being Lee Harveyized, it was a done deal. The Republicans never had a chance after the Daisy did in the Barry. Then Johnson messed up our chances by trying NOT to win in Vietnam and it just about killed him so he quit and left goofy Hubert try to beat Nixon. He lost and we had to put up with six years of Satan. 72 months of watching him do that double V sign with his upraised hands. Hand me a barf bag, please! Thank G-d he turned out to be a crook and along came that smiling peanut farmer who had a plan, 'I will NEVER lie to you!' His self-destructive brother had more depth than he did! He beat Ford who had pardoned Nixon. Hell, Alfred E. Neuman could have beaten Ford. He had the same loopy smile, didn't he?
After four years of stumbling around with the Olympic games, Afghanistan, hostages and helicopters and some of the dumbest Oval Office speeches ever given to the American people, Carter was smashed to bits by a B actor in 1980. So, who do we put up for President to try and knock Reagan out in 1984? WALTER DRONING MONDALE! And his 'out there' running mate babe, Geraldine. No, not the Flip Wilson character…the OTHER one! Then that disastrous tank boy, Dukakis and FINALLY…Bill Clinton. He and Hillary didn't really have a plan unless you call the shallowest phrase in political history, 'It's the economy, Stupid!' to build a platform on. But thankfully along came Ross Perot who got just enough votes to knock out Bush senior and get us back into the White House. It was the best of times and the worst of times. Great financial prosperity but there was this intern…
Since then, all we have done is whine and complain like a bunch of old farm women waiting for the chickens to come home to roost! We are afraid to really stand behind our solid planks of same-sex marriages, gay rights, human rights, welfare reform, medical care for everyone, social security and bringing our soldiers home from Iraq. Do you realize 66% of the American people are AGAINST that war?!! How is this President STILL in office? We are coming up to a Presidential election year in which our strongest candidate is a woman! How will THAT play in Ohio? Florida? The South? Take a wild guess!
We need a PLAN! We have everything in place for one. We have a liberal leader in Nancy Pelosi. We have, 'Give 'em HELL the sequel,' Harry Reid and we have Hillary Clinton, John Edwards and a rejuvenated John Kerry. We even have the magic man from Africa, Obama to be second on our ticket. But, we don't have a PLAN! This is starting to drive me crazy. No, I mean CRAZY!!! Every day we are closer and closer to election day and we are meandering around and wondering what we will offer to the American people. Hey, all you JACKASSES out there, we are Democrats who need to stand for something more than, 'Bush is a JERK!' and, 'The Republicans are SMUG!' How many fund-raisers can Streisand host? How many times can Baldwin threaten to live in a foreign country? Is anyone AWARE that most of the voters in this country are sick of seeing Sarandon, Dreyfuss, Sheen and Robbins blather on about how pathetic the WINNING other party is every fourth November?
As your national leader, I want to propose a PLAN. One that I believe will work. A path to victory that our party can agree on with all our special groups: workers, gays, blacks, unions, liberals, moderates, atheists, people who hate Mel Gibson, residents of California, New York, New England, global warming fanatics, the poor, the homeless, the mainsream media, those who still believe everything Al Gore says, Greenpeace, the Sierra Clubbers, Cindy Sheehan fan club, Michael Moore and Jesse Jackson we need a PLAN. (voice rising) We need a PLAN in Iowa and New Hampshire and Pennsylvania and North Carolina, (voice getting more shrill) and Nebraska and Texas and Washington and (screaming now!) MONTANA AND KATRINA AND CUBA AND NORTH KOREA AND PLUTO AND (SHRIEKING NOW!) AND SOMALIA AND KUMA SUTRA AND ANTARTICA AND THE ANTEATERS AND THE ARMADILLOS…WE NEED A PLAN…WE NEED A MAN…WITH THE PLAN…WE NEED….ME!!! I AM THE MAN WITH THE PLAN. I AM THE PLAN!!! (security people rush to the stage to remove him) GET AWAY FROM ME! I AM THE PLAN! YOU ARE NOT THE PLAN. HILLARY IS NOT THE PLAN. I WILL BRING THE TROOPS HOME! I WAS ALWAYS THE PLAN! YOU DON'T LIKE ME? IS IT BECAUSE I'M SHORT? BECAUSE I'M STUBBY? DO ALL PRESIDENTS HAVE TO BE TALL AND SOFT SPOKEN? YOU WILL LISTEN TO ME, AMERICA! I WILL BREAK THE MOLD…AS THE PLAN …IN DELAWARE AND TENNESSEE…GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME YOU LOSERS! I WILL SUE YOU! IN MISSOURI AND, SOMEONE IS COMING TO TAKE ME AWAY, HA, HA! IN UTAH AND NEW HAMP…"
The sedation from the needle works quickly. Howard Dean slumps over…(whispers) "and montpelier…where I had a mansion…they always served me biscuits with maple syrup on thursdays…it wassssss the plannnn….we neeeed meeee…I ammm the pla…"
Postcript: The Republican party won the Presidency by its largest margin in American political history in 2008.
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JWR contributor Patrick Hurley, a three time Emmy award winner for television, lives in Orange County, California. He has presented humorous presentations in 46 states to over six million people. He has had six books published (none that has anything to do with the Middle East).
08/29/06: John Mark Karr and Jennifer Willbanks announce their engagement
08/21/06: My First Jewish World Review Article
© 2006, Patrick Hurley