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Jewish World Review
Sept. 7, 2005
/ 3 Elul, 5765
Who needs an athlete crawling out of the TV?
By
David Grimes
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http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
I like TV. You can watch it, you can sleep in front of it, you can ignore it or you can shout at it. It's sort of like having a goldfish, only with better reception.
But, like goldfish, I think a TV should know its place. For example, I think a TV should sit on the floor, not hang on the wall like a work of art. A TV that hangs on the wall is a TV that has been given too much status. You will feel obliged to say "hello" and "goodbye" to your TV every time you enter or leave the room. You will ask permission to eat a snack in front of it or watch it in your underwear.
Pretty soon the other appliances in your home will become jealous of your wall-mounted TV and start misbehaving out of spite. Your washing machine will begin leaking and the light in your refrigerator will no longer come on. Your days will be spent waiting for repairpersons who never show up and you will come to hate your fancy, expensive, wall-mounted TV.
So if I feel that way about wall-mounted TVs, you can imagine how I feel about the latest threatened trend in video: 3-dimensional TV. Like so many other things we don't need — pet translators spring immediately to mind — this idea comes from Japan. According to the breathless news report I read, 3D TV will be an especial boon to sports fans.
"Imagine watching a football match on a TV that not only shows the players in three dimensions but also lets you experience the smells of the stadium and maybe even pat the goal scorer on the back!"
That sentence is troublesome on many levels. For starters, it takes you a while to figure out that the writer is not talking about football at all, but rather soccer, a game that holds about as much interest for most Americans as synchronized sleeping. Since goals happen in soccer with about the same regularity as presidential elections, the odds of me being around to pat the goalkeeper on the back are slim to none.
Secondly, I do not really wish to have the "smells of the stadium" waft into my living room. The aroma emanating from the men's room at Raymond James Stadium on a toasty September afternoon is not something that marries well with nachos and lite beer from Miller, even if the air conditioner is turned on high. (If you desire this olfactory sensation now, but can't wait until the first 3D TV is released in 2020, you might consider stabling a team of Clydesdales in your foyer while you're watching the Bucs/Bills game. Hey, this column is nothing if not helpful.)
Finally, I don't think that sports fans should be encouraged to reach out and touch professional football players, or professional baseball players, or amateur tiddlywinks players, while they're going about their business. My two dogs are perfectly capable of keeping my house in a permanent state of disrepair; I don't need to make matters worse by getting into a beer-hurling slugfest with a 300-pound, 7-foot-tall NBA center who crawled out of my TV set because he didn't like my remarks about his shot selection.
Call me old-fashioned, but about as interactive as I want to get with my TV is turning it on and off.
Though I would like to reach into my screen and wring the neck of that duck in the AFLAC commercials.
I don't know why, but that bird really gets on my nerves.
Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here.
JWR contributor David Grimes is a columnist for The Sarasota Herald Tribune. Comment by clicking here.
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