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Jewish World Review Sept. 21, 2005 / 17 Elul, 5765 Attractive folks worth more dough? By Brad Dickson
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
According to a disturbing new study attractive people earn 5% more money than the less attractive. Overweight women earn 17% less than thin ladies. And, taller folks earn 2.6% more than the short.
Which means if you're a 4'7 300-lb female married to a 5' 1 male who has two teeth and a mohawk, you're likely struggling financially. You've also likely appeared on COPS.
Let's examine this study a little closer.
First: attractive people earn 5% more. Which proves what I've always maintained, that Bill Gates' to-die-for dimples got him where he is. And Warren Buffet's untamed mane of wild, Fabio-like hirsuteness accounts for his success.
Which leads to the question, Why do attractive folks earn more? Probably because attractive folks tend to be more intelligent and work harder, HAHAHAHA. Just a second, I have to wipe my tears.
But seriously, I believe attractive people earn more because folks simply want to please them. Occasionally television programs like Dateline and 20/20 take one of their underling employees, and give her a "frumpy makeover." This usually involves a prosthetic, hideously elongated chin, making the employee resemble Jay Leno's missing twin. She's then sent onto the streets of N.Y. with a hidden camera to see what kind of service she receives. I think Dateline last did this in November, and the employee was found hunched over a table at a Greenwich Village outdoor café in February, having frozen to death waiting for a menu.
Then, Dateline sends a striking undercover actress to, say, Sears to see how the service she gets compares. Suddenly, Sears clerks that are normally seen as often as Big Foot and are harder to find than FEMA during an emergency, come charging like stampeding rhinos to assist her. Instead of giving the stunning actress a window between eleven and four, three weeks from Thursday for delivery, the silly clerk has a couple guys from accounting help him tie her new, discounted washer-dryer onto his SUV so he can deliver it immediately, stopping off en route to divorce his wife.
Second point: overweight women earn 17% less. Which is just plain wrong, women who are overweight, or, if you're into Internet dating, "Rubenesque," "BBW," "full figured," "curvaceous," "voluptuous," or, "tantalizingly thick" shouldn't be discriminated against. Especially considering that the rate we're going fitness-wise by 2025 most Americans will essentially be giant bowls of pudding with heads attached, the difference being, actual bowls of pudding are saving more for retirement.
Final point: taller people earn more money. The NBA alone likely accounts for this.
. What conclusions can be drawn from this study? Mainly, that as a nation, we're as shallow as a kiddie wading pool.
I recently conducted my own test and went to a stuffy Beverly Hills restaurant. I figured I'd get a good table, since at the time most big celebrities were paddling rescue boats in New Orleans.
On my first trip I wore a suit and my most stylish necktie, the one with Fat Elvis debating Thin Elvis. I was seated at a booth near the counter where busboys dump used plates, creating a din so loud it was like eating adjacent an airport runway, or, the next table over from Chris Matthews.
The following week, I donned a tattered sweatshirt and mangled ball cap, making a lunchtime foray to the same restaurant. I was seated so close to the men's room that when a toilet backed up my shoes got wet. Before a server showed I was kept waiting for approximately the length of the Renee Zellweger-Kenny Chesney marriage.
The staff was surly, the food cold, and my soup contained a hair so long I could've jumped rope with it.
The wait staff, an extremely attractive group, was apparently under the impression they could skate through life on their looks. To strike a blow against this type of shallowness, I left a tip so small, now attractive people earn only 4% more than other folks.
It's a start.
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© 2005, Brad Dickson |
Arnold Ahlert | |||||||||||
