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Jewish World Review Sept. 6, 2005 / 2 Elul, 5765 Reality baby By Brad Dickson http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | Today's shocking news comes from The Netherlands where the latest incarnation of the Dutch version of reality show Big Brother features a contestant who's seven months pregnant. Now the reality show producers face a moral dilemma. (Which is the first time the words "reality show" and "moral" have been used in the same sentence.) Whether to do the right thing, and have the contestant discreetly give birth where no one will see her (on NBC?), or, to show the birth live for the biggest reality ratings since that chatty bimbo married the goofy dorkus. (Note: I'm not talking about Camilla Parker Bowles and Prince Charles.) The smart money here says not only will they show the birth, but will utilize super slow mo and the first use ever of something called a "Womb Cam." Asking reality producers in any country to choose between doing what's tasteful and what garners ratings is like asking a starving pit bull if he wants to gnaw on the succulent T-bone you've placed in front of him, or discuss the geopolitical divide between...oh, look, he's already gnawing. The Netherlands version of Big Brother is considered the granddaddy of such shows, this is the origin of that malignancy called Reality Television. The program features about ten folks living in a house with cameras trained on them 24/7. The home viewer observes the contestants do all sorts of exciting things, like brush their hair, eat, argue over who didn't do the dishes, stare at the wall, argue over who stares at the wall best, and, zzzzz...sorry, I nodded off. So maybe they want to bring a baby into the mix to liven things up. A baby may actually make a decent reality personality. A two-day-old has the same maturity level as your Fear Factor contestant, and is less likely to stick something gross in his mouth. Also, the baby would certainly cry less than women voted off The Bachelor. But reality show producers are so cruel they wouldn't just have one baby. They'd bring in a more attractive baby, and make the mom choose if she wanted the cute baby or her "Average Joe infant." You may say, Well, Columnist, this program is in The Netherlands, why should we care? Glad you asked. Like Bubonic Plague, typhoid, Mad Cow Disease and karaoke, many reality show concepts originate abroad and then spread to the U.S. in the form of parasites attached to the undersides of rabid monkeys. If this gimmick draws big ratings in The Netherlands in no time not only will reality contestants over here be giving birth, but Katie Couric will find herself on her back with Matt Lauer shouting "PUSH!" as cameras roll. It's not that far-fetched. I worked in television for fourteen years, so I know how TV executives think. Also, when they think. (For half an hour after lunch, every other Thursday.) To them a five-minute-old baby is not a baby, but rather that "coveted, youth demographic." So I predict soon there will be frequent live births on American TV. The goal is to get the largest number of people possible watching. Which raises the question, "What if the reality baby is not scheduled to arrive during Sweeps Week?" Simple, that's why we have C-sections. Another consideration: under the law any baby born on camera is considered a "child actor" which means if our first Reality Baby is born at one pm, by 6 pm he will have been arrested on suspicion of committing at least two serious crimes. And the next time our major networks refuse to air a presidential press conference concerning the future of this great nation because it'd interrupt regular network programming, that regular network programming may not just feature crazy reality goobers swallowing live beetle larva and trying to marry multi-millionaires, but may include something really substantial, like a newborn spitting up. Somewhere, the guy who invented TV is spinning in his grave. Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here. JWR contributor Brad Dickson was a monologue staff writer for The Tonight Show With Jay Leno for 13 years. He's presently developing a network television pilot. Comment by clicking here. Archives © 2005, Brad Dickson

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