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December 2, 2014

Jonathan Tobin: Defending the Right to a Jewish State

Heather Hale: Compliment your kids without giving them big heads

Megan Shauri: 10 ways you are ruining your own happiness

Carolyn Bigda: 8 Best Dividend Stocks for 2015

Kiplinger's Personal Finance editors: 7 Things You Didn't Know About Paying Off Student Loans

Samantha Olson: The Crucial Mistake 55% Of Parents Are Making At Their Baby's Bedtime

Densie Well, Ph.D., R.D. Open your eyes to yellow vegetables

The Kosher Gourmet by Megan Gordon With its colorful cache of purples and oranges and reds, COLLARD GREEN SLAW is a marvelous mood booster --- not to mention just downright delish
April 18, 2014

Rabbi Yonason Goldson: Clarifying one of the greatest philosophical conundrums in theology

Caroline B. Glick: The disappearance of US will

Megan Wallgren: 10 things I've learned from my teenagers

Lizette Borreli: Green Tea Boosts Brain Power, May Help Treat Dementia

John Ericson: Trying hard to be 'positive' but never succeeding? Blame Your Brain

The Kosher Gourmet by Julie Rothman Almondy, flourless torta del re (Italian king's cake), has royal roots, is simple to make, . . . but devour it because it's simply delicious

April 14, 2014

Rabbi Dr Naftali Brawer: Passover frees us from the tyranny of time

Greg Crosby: Passing Over Religion

Eric Schulzke: First degree: How America really recovered from a murder epidemic

Georgia Lee: When love is not enough: Teaching your kids about the realities of adult relationships

Cameron Huddleston: Freebies for Your Lawn and Garden

Gordon Pape: How you can tell if your financial adviser is setting you up for potential ruin

Dana Dovey: Up to 500,000 people die each year from hepatitis C-related liver disease. New Treatment Has Over 90% Success Rate

Justin Caba: Eating Watermelon Can Help Control High Blood Pressure

The Kosher Gourmet by Joshua E. London and Lou Marmon Don't dare pass over these Pesach picks for Manischewitz!

April 11, 2014

Rabbi Hillel Goldberg: Silence is much more than golden

Caroline B. Glick: Forgetting freedom at Passover

Susan Swann: How to value a child for who he is, not just what he does

Cameron Huddleston: 7 Financial Tasks You Should Tackle Right Now

Sandra Block and Lisa Gerstner: How to Profit From Your Passion

Susan Scutti: A Simple Blood Test Might Soon Diagnose Cancer

Chris Weller: Have A Slow Metabolism? Let Science Speed It Up For You

The Kosher Gourmet by Diane Rossen Worthington Whitefish Terrine: A French take on gefilte fish

April 9, 2014

Jonathan Tobin: Why Did Kerry Lie About Israeli Blame?

Samuel G. Freedman: A resolution 70 years later for a father's unsettling legacy of ashes from Dachau

Jessica Ivins: A resolution 70 years later for a father's unsettling legacy of ashes from Dachau

Kim Giles: Asking for help is not weakness

Kathy Kristof and Barbara Hoch Marcus: 7 Great Growth Israeli Stocks

Matthew Mientka: How Beans, Peas, And Chickpeas Cleanse Bad Cholesterol and Lowers Risk of Heart Disease

Sabrina Bachai: 5 At-Home Treatments For Headaches

The Kosher Gourmet by Daniel Neman Have yourself a matzo ball: The secrets bubby never told you and recipes she could have never imagined

April 8, 2014

Lori Nawyn: At Your Wit's End and Back: Finding Peace

Susan B. Garland and Rachel L. Sheedy: Strategies Married Couples Can Use to Boost Benefits

David Muhlbaum: Smart Tax Deductions Non-Itemizers Can Claim

Jill Weisenberger, M.S., R.D.N., C.D.E : Before You Lose Your Mental Edge

Dana Dovey: Coffee Drinkers Rejoice! Your Cup Of Joe Can Prevent Death From Liver Disease

Chris Weller: Electric 'Thinking Cap' Puts Your Brain Power Into High Gear

The Kosher Gourmet by Marlene Parrish A gift of hazelnuts keeps giving --- for a variety of nutty recipes: Entree, side, soup, dessert

April 4, 2014

Rabbi David Gutterman: The Word for Nothing Means Everything

Charles Krauthammer: Kerry's folly, Chapter 3

Amy Peterson: A life of love: How to build lasting relationships with your children

John Ericson: Older Women: Save Your Heart, Prevent Stroke Don't Drink Diet

John Ericson: Why 50 million Americans will still have spring allergies after taking meds

Cameron Huddleston: Best and Worst Buys of April 2014

Stacy Rapacon: Great Mutual Funds for Young Investors

Sarah Boesveld: Teacher keeps promise to mail thousands of former students letters written by their past selves

The Kosher Gourmet by Sharon Thompson Anyone can make a salad, you say. But can they make a great salad? (SECRETS, TESTED TECHNIQUES + 4 RECIPES, INCLUDING DRESSINGS)

April 2, 2014

Paul Greenberg: Death and joy in the spring

Dan Barry: Should South Carolina Jews be forced to maintain this chimney built by Germans serving the Nazis?

Mayra Bitsko: Save me! An alien took over my child's personality

Frank Clayton: Get happy: 20 scientifically proven happiness activities

Susan Scutti: It's Genetic! Obesity and the 'Carb Breakdown' Gene

Lecia Bushak: Why Hand Sanitizer May Actually Harm Your Health

Stacy Rapacon: Great Funds You Can Own for $500 or Less

Cameron Huddleston: 7 Ways to Save on Home Decor

The Kosher Gourmet by Steve Petusevsky Exploring ingredients as edible-stuffed containers (TWO RECIPES + TIPS & TECHINQUES)

Jewish World Review August 24, 2011 / 24 Menachem-Av, 5771

There is no guilt in moving forward

By Sharon Randall




http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | When someone asks for my advice, I try to answer with as much care and sensitivity as brutal honesty will allow -- even though I know they're probably going to do whatever the heck they want to do anyway.

At least, I hope so. In a perfect world, we should all get to do what we want, provided no one gets hurt. Unfortunately, one way or the other, someone often ends up getting hurt.

Recently I've heard from a flurry of readers asking various versions of the same question for themselves or "a friend." It's one I often hear. The answer may seem obvious, but most things are clearer in hindsight.

Basically, it's this: How long should you wait, after being widowed or divorced, to start dating again? How do you get past the guilt and move on?

And what if your grown children (or parents or cousins or whoever) are dead-set against your dating and threaten never to speak to you again?

Here are some examples:

A widow for two years isn't sure she's "ready" to start dating again, but wonders when she will be and how will she know.

A man who recently lost his "bride" of 60 years longs for companionship, but worries he'll be disloyal to his wife's memory.

A woman, after three years of grieving for her late husband, became "friends" with a "dear man" she met at church. Her grown children are furious about it and refuse to have anything to do with him. She doesn't want to give him up, but fears alienating her children.

Life sure stays interesting, doesn't it? First you go through the agony of a loved one's death or a divorce or the end of any relationship you thought would last forever. And just when you think maybe you'll survive it, life says, OK, it's time to learn how to risk being alive all over again.

I remember, nearly two years after my first husband died, my first official date in 30 years.

Someone asked me to dinner and I said yes. I don't know why. I wasn't lonely. I missed my husband, but I had learned how to be happy and whole alone. It was just time to "risk" again, and somehow I knew it. Mostly what I recall is that my sister wanted to buy me a corsage.

There would be other "dates," but the first one was huge and not without a measure of "guilt."

Yet greater than the "guilt" was the advice of a friend who wrote, after my husband died, to say this: "The challenge for you now, having lost your loved one, is to live a life that is honoring to his memory, while at the same time, that life moves forward, so that only one person has died and not two."

I clung to that advice the way my children had once clung to me, like a cat trying to avoid a flea dip. I tried every day, in every way, to be fully alive.

Years later when I remarried, it was for the same reason: It was time to risk being alive again. Somehow I just knew.

Never once did it occur to me to ask for permission -- not from my children or other family members or friends. Never once did anyone object.

One of the harder truths learned in the loss of a loved one is the sobering realization that every life -- no matter how good and true and strong -- will come to an end. Even your own.

The same God who gives us life lets us choose how we live it. Only you can choose how to live your life. You can't choose for your kids. They can't choose for you. If they don't know that, it's up to you to teach them.

How long should you wait to start dating again? Until you learn how to be alone.

How do you get past the guilt? There is no guilt in moving forward with your life.

What if someone objects? Tell them it's your choice, and you are choosing to be alive so only one person has died, not two.

My advice? Do what you want.

Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here.

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Previously:


Celebrations full of love and buttercream

It takes a whole village of shoes to raise a child

The best stories always tell us who we are

Stop, look back . . . and listen

The great outdoors, if one's lucky, a rock-solid companion

An iChat with my grandson

Lightening bugs and other things make us glow

Each and every Fourth of July a cause for celebration



© 2011, SCRIPPS HOWARD NEWS SERVICE

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