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Jewish World Review The yellow badge of cowardice By Jim Mullen http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | The IV in the back of my hand was uncomfortable. What sadist thought of sticking a needle there? It’s hard to imagine a part of my corpulent body that has less meat than the back of my hand, or a part of my body that moves more than my hand. But that wasn’t the worst part of this hospital visit. The worst part was the instructions not to eat or drink anything after 6 a.m. the morning of the test. Since, like most people, I don’t get up in the middle of the night to carboload, what that really means is don’t eat anything after 8 p.m. the night before. By the time of the scheduled 10:30 a.m. test, I was hungry. Ten-thirty came and went with no test. I understand that on a discomfort level of one to 10, one being a pampered purse dog and 10 being a starving Sudanese refugee who has just walked 200 miles across a barren desert with everything he owns on his back, I was somewhere around a 0.00001. Did I mention that I wasn’t even allowed a morning cup of coffee? Around noon, there started to be some activity in my wing of the hospital. It seems it was lunchtime. Around 3, my team started asking the usual questions. “Do you know why you’re here?” “Yes. To lose half my body weight.” “And what is your date of birth?” “You’re the 10th person to ask me that.” “And what did you tell them?” The staff was just as cranky I was, but they were used to the routine. It’s not the surprise to them that it was to me that people who were sicker than me would be moved to the head of the line. “I was here first” doesn’t really hold up well against, “We can probably reattach that.” Still, I am starving, and Sue is tapping her foot. She wasn’t planning to spend the whole day here, either. But I wouldn’t be able to drive for a day after this test, and she was my ride. “At least you have the pleasure of my company,” I said. She gave me the fish eye and left. She came back with a toasted bagel and a steaming cup of coffee and slowly ate them just out of my reach. That’s all right. She has a test for something next week, and I have a memory like a — oh, what do you call those things? Finally, there was some action. There was a flurry of form signing. Most of the forms were in the nature of “the doctor explained that there are slight risks to this, as with any procedure, and that his insurance company wants you to sign this form in case you take him to court.” Who can read all that stuff? Just sign by the X. The doctor also explained that I had a better chance of getting hit by a meteor on my way to the parking lot than being hurt by this test. That was very reassuring. Until he asked me which leg he was removing. What a kidder. I told him I was just here to donate eggs. I think it was around then that I realized they had given me something to relax my nerves. I had a strange dream in which my 12 hands were grabbing things from a buffet table, but no matter how much food I put on my plate, it all slipped off. I wonder what that means? Twenty minutes later I was back in my room, the test over, as unrelaxed as ever. “They’ll let you go in an hour, as soon as you can keep down some Jell-O and walk steady,” said the nurse. I had missed breakfast and lunch. The day was shot, over and gone. I’d been walking steady for 10 minutes when they brought in the smallest portion of Jell-O I had ever seen. And it was cubed for easy eating. They wondered if I could keep it down. Keep it down? They had to stop me from eating the spoon and the plastic cup it came in. It turns out I don’t have whatever they were testing for. “But if you’d ever like to volunteer for another study ...” “What? I volunteered for that?” “Yes, I have the signed form right here.” Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here. Comment by clicking here. Jim Mullen is the author of "It Takes a Village Idiot: Complicating the Simple Life" and "Baby's First Tattoo." Previously: Any way you slice it Home sweet homeschooling Don't Head for the Borders Money ball Golf and death go hand in hand Tune in, turn off, unplug The radar curtain Is Steve Jobs clouding my privacy? The gift of garbage Johnny Intern, Ph.D. Twenty-foot fences make good neighbors You must remember this… TV experts and real news Hey caller, where's the fire? My sad cushy life Pacemaker, don't you mess around with me Big Brother is skinny Flight of the snowbirds This HDTV needs child support Dear Future: Where's the dome? Not so elementary, my dear Watson A vacation revolution Your call is very unimportant to us Life: There's no app for that Bam! Practical kitchen magic Poisoning myself Ban Huck Finn in schools --- even the sanitized version! $38,000 for traffic and weather updates 2011 Predictions: Nostradamus was a hack 2010: A year of annoying junk Why do bad things happen to stupid people? Moving on from movie theaters Money never sleeps, but it does pass out President Trump kept it classy Stalking your college kid won't change a thing Putting my life in ‘Jeopardy’ Mo' government, mo' problems iLostIt Dressed for excess Expert tease The mysteries of Jersey ‘You are a toilet, where am I?’ Don't we all cheat at the game of life? What happens when I forget where Google is? Don't let the doorman hit you on the way out Picasso fiasco Purple (hair) ‘Daze’ Let me hear your body talk Working from work Babies deserve clean restrooms, too 3-year-old bear-killers are a thing of the past Money-making ideas on the fly Collecting and hoarding Chain of fools Please come pick up your acting awards, ESPN commentators, you've earned them You've been superpoked by the U.S. gov't e-Readin', e-Writin' and e-Rithmatic A pose by any other name Warning: Column contains 2010 spoilers ‘He loves only gold, only gold’ Think about direction, wonder why … Flushing your money down a diamond-studded toilet More like ‘wack’ Friday The good, the ad and the ugly The desert of the real Let books be large and in charge I was insulting people way before the Internet GPS drill sergeant: Left, right, left! Butterfly in the sky, you make winds go twice as high Music to my ears it's not You don't light up my life Fair or not: Country living is far from ‘Little House’ A parable for the ‘ages’ Top 100 Cable news stories of the century Green dumb A developing story Thinking outside the lunch box What's good for the goose is good for the scanner Newspapers will survive, but network TV? A really big show of generation gaps When pigs flu The reports of our decline have been greatly exaggerated Mergers and admonitions Invest in gold: little, yellow, different Stuck in Folsom Penthouse Collecting karma Setting loose the creative ‘juice’ It's all in the numbers You're damaging your brain with practical skills The real rat pack The unspeakable luxury of the Park-O-Matic Gross-ery shopping © 2009, NEA

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