We have been nipping and tucking our faces, chests and thighs for so long,
it is only logical that we now turn the scalpel to the derriere.
A young woman was on one of those plastic surgery shows complaining that
her perky parts weren't perky enough, her thin parts weren't thin enough
and her curvy parts weren't curvy enough.
Hey, who hasn't felt the pull of gravity? My knees are now where my ankles
used to be.
I looked at the gal on screen with great compassion and understanding. I
also looked at her and thought, "Sweetie, the first thing you could do to
improve your looks is chip off some of that make-up, give up the booze and
get a good night's sleep.
And I wonder why they never ask me to produce.
In any case, the doctor was nodding and offering a sincere "hmmm" to all of
her concerns. Then, in a voice-over, he said he was going to make this
young woman perkier, firmer, curvier and, I quote, "give her the most
popular surgery package in California today by also giving her a Brazilian
I had no idea we were now identifying backsides by nationality. All of
which leads to a host of questions: First, is this a good thing?
Secondly, are the people of Brazil happy about this?
Finally, has there been a United Nations resolution making this firm?
Is a well-endowed gluteus maximus really something any nation desires to be
known for? An eagle makes a fine national symbol. A tree can be good, even
a maple leaf. The back end does not lend itself to being memorialized on
flags, coins, currency or even incorporated into a national motto. "In
Glutes We Trust." Who wants that on a national seal?
The Brazilian people have every right to be proud of their natural
endowments, but I fear we are doing them a disservice by not looking at the
larger picture. The French have their sidewalk cafes and Eiffel Tower. The
Greeks have their islands and inlets with turquoise water. The Swiss have
their chocolate, the Italian their sauces. Do the Brazilians truly want to
be known for the rear view?
Even from an export standpoint, it doesn't work: Japan exports cars,
electronics and computers. Germany exports include metals, coal, machinery.
Brazil exports sugar, coffee, beef and "junk in the trunk." That is the
kind of thing can snap back and bite you on the backside.
But, perhaps on the plus side, and apparently there are plenty of those in
Brazil, all of this opens the door to a whole new pool of conversation
"Excuse me, is that a Brazilian backside you're wearing?"
"Why no, actually it's a Finnish Fanny."
"But, of course! I should have known!
What about those maps on which students label countries and identify major
exports by the little icons beneath the country's name. The United States
has office machines, vehicles, and boxes of cereal. What little pictures
will the children identify on a map of Brazil?
Exactly. I don't think so.
It is always nice to feel like you're sitting on top of the world,
but this is a seat that comes with a heavy cost.