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Jewish World Review August 25, 2006 / 1 Elul, 5766 Pregnant With Humor By Gene Weingarten
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | This just in: Dr. Shevach Friedler of Assaf Harofeh Medical Center in Israel last week presented findings at a medical conference in Prague suggesting that efforts to impregnate a woman artificially are considerably more successful if she is amused. Friedler cited an experiment at his fertility clinic, in which patients who were entertained by a clown during their procedure were substantially more likely to become pregnant than those who were not entertained by the clown. My first thought, of course, was: This explains my two children! But then I realized it explains a lot more. It explains — in plain, irrefutable, Darwinian terms — why men are, by and large, buffoons. It's not our fault! It is a result of natural selection. Women who wish to most efficiently perpetuate the species are going to seek out clowns. I decided to put this thesis to a rigorous scientific test. Consider the results of my research, and judge for yourself: Man | Buffoon Factor | Number of Children Sired George Washington | Zero | None Dan Quayle | Medium high | 3 Donald Trump | Off the charts | 5 (that we know of) So, I think my point has been scientifically established. My next question, naturally, was, "What's in it for me?" If I were a scientist, I could write a treatise on the confluence of high fertility and jerko male humor — I'd call it "On the Origin of Feces," or something. But I have no science cred, so I needed some other angle. Then it hit me, like a rhubarb pie in the face. This could be a moneymaking opportunity. I had a proposal, but I needed to consult with a doctor who specializes in infertility and in vitro fertilization. There were dozens of them in the Washington area. I picked out the one I wanted on the basis of his name, but I was a little worried about the appropriateness of my choice. I sought another opinion. Me: Is there something funny about a fertility specialist named "Dr. Frankfurter"? My wife: No. Me: Really? My wife: Really. Me: Well, uh, wait . . . Would it be funny to an extremely immature person? My wife: Yes. There you go! My theory is working already! I had my doctor, my choice was asinine, but it's not my fault! I called Dr. David Frankfurter of the fertility center at George Washington University Hospital, and I read him the report out of Israel. Me: I am a pretty amusing guy. I was just wondering if your practice might consider hiring me on a freelance basis to entertain women undergoing fertility treatments. Dr. Frankfurter: You know, this is a difficult time for most couples. Me: I know. I could help! Dr. Frankfurter: It's a rather intimate environment. From a relaxation standpoint, there probably is room for some humorous intervention, but, as far as a stand-up comic, on-site, I don't think so. Most patients would find it inappropriate. Me: But, see, I would do appropriate jokes. They'd be pregnancy-themed. For example, why did the pregnant woman cross the road? Dr. Frankfurter: To get a baby? Me: No, to get a yummy ice cream, anchovy and sausage milkshake on the other side! Dr. Frankfurter: Me: Okay, I've got another one. Why is pregnancy like me getting a pedicure? Dr. Frankfurter: Why? Me: Because they both involve my toesies! Dr. Frankfurter: Me: My . . . toesies! Mitosis, see? Dr. Frankfurter: Yes, I got it. Very cute. Me: What do you think? Dr. Frankfurter: I'm afraid it's not going to work. I hung up, disappointed. But, just a few seconds later, Dr. Frankfurter called back. "I have to say, you've sparked an area of interest," he said. "It may not be a bad idea to get people to laugh." Initially, that made me feel better. But then I started to feel like Alfred Russel Wallace. Never heard of him? That's the point. He was the guy who came up with a theory of evolution by natural selection, right around the same time Charles Darwin did. But Darwin got all the credit, because Darwin published first. Just you watch — Doc Frankfurter's gonna run with this thing — but he's gonna hire some other clown. Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here.
Gene Weingarten writes the Below the Beltway humor column for The Washington Post. To comment, please click here.
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