Home
In this issue

Jonathan Tobin: Defending the Right to a Jewish State

Heather Hale: Compliment your kids without giving them big heads

Megan Shauri: 10 ways you are ruining your own happiness

Carolyn Bigda: 8 Best Dividend Stocks for 2015

Kiplinger's Personal Finance editors: 7 Things You Didn't Know About Paying Off Student Loans

Samantha Olson: The Crucial Mistake 55% Of Parents Are Making At Their Baby's Bedtime

Densie Well, Ph.D., R.D. Open your eyes to yellow vegetables

The Kosher Gourmet by Megan Gordon With its colorful cache of purples and oranges and reds, COLLARD GREEN SLAW is a marvelous mood booster --- not to mention just downright delish
April 18, 2014

Rabbi Yonason Goldson: Clarifying one of the greatest philosophical conundrums in theology

Caroline B. Glick: The disappearance of US will

Megan Wallgren: 10 things I've learned from my teenagers

Lizette Borreli: Green Tea Boosts Brain Power, May Help Treat Dementia

John Ericson: Trying hard to be 'positive' but never succeeding? Blame Your Brain

The Kosher Gourmet by Julie Rothman Almondy, flourless torta del re (Italian king's cake), has royal roots, is simple to make, . . . but devour it because it's simply delicious

April 14, 2014

Rabbi Dr Naftali Brawer: Passover frees us from the tyranny of time

Greg Crosby: Passing Over Religion

Eric Schulzke: First degree: How America really recovered from a murder epidemic

Georgia Lee: When love is not enough: Teaching your kids about the realities of adult relationships

Cameron Huddleston: Freebies for Your Lawn and Garden

Gordon Pape: How you can tell if your financial adviser is setting you up for potential ruin

Dana Dovey: Up to 500,000 people die each year from hepatitis C-related liver disease. New Treatment Has Over 90% Success Rate

Justin Caba: Eating Watermelon Can Help Control High Blood Pressure

The Kosher Gourmet by Joshua E. London and Lou Marmon Don't dare pass over these Pesach picks for Manischewitz!

April 11, 2014

Rabbi Hillel Goldberg: Silence is much more than golden

Caroline B. Glick: Forgetting freedom at Passover

Susan Swann: How to value a child for who he is, not just what he does

Cameron Huddleston: 7 Financial Tasks You Should Tackle Right Now

Sandra Block and Lisa Gerstner: How to Profit From Your Passion

Susan Scutti: A Simple Blood Test Might Soon Diagnose Cancer

Chris Weller: Have A Slow Metabolism? Let Science Speed It Up For You

The Kosher Gourmet by Diane Rossen Worthington Whitefish Terrine: A French take on gefilte fish

April 9, 2014

Jonathan Tobin: Why Did Kerry Lie About Israeli Blame?

Samuel G. Freedman: A resolution 70 years later for a father's unsettling legacy of ashes from Dachau

Jessica Ivins: A resolution 70 years later for a father's unsettling legacy of ashes from Dachau

Kim Giles: Asking for help is not weakness

Kathy Kristof and Barbara Hoch Marcus: 7 Great Growth Israeli Stocks

Matthew Mientka: How Beans, Peas, And Chickpeas Cleanse Bad Cholesterol and Lowers Risk of Heart Disease

Sabrina Bachai: 5 At-Home Treatments For Headaches

The Kosher Gourmet by Daniel Neman Have yourself a matzo ball: The secrets bubby never told you and recipes she could have never imagined

April 8, 2014

Lori Nawyn: At Your Wit's End and Back: Finding Peace

Susan B. Garland and Rachel L. Sheedy: Strategies Married Couples Can Use to Boost Benefits

David Muhlbaum: Smart Tax Deductions Non-Itemizers Can Claim

Jill Weisenberger, M.S., R.D.N., C.D.E : Before You Lose Your Mental Edge

Dana Dovey: Coffee Drinkers Rejoice! Your Cup Of Joe Can Prevent Death From Liver Disease

Chris Weller: Electric 'Thinking Cap' Puts Your Brain Power Into High Gear

The Kosher Gourmet by Marlene Parrish A gift of hazelnuts keeps giving --- for a variety of nutty recipes: Entree, side, soup, dessert

April 4, 2014

Rabbi David Gutterman: The Word for Nothing Means Everything

Charles Krauthammer: Kerry's folly, Chapter 3

Amy Peterson: A life of love: How to build lasting relationships with your children

John Ericson: Older Women: Save Your Heart, Prevent Stroke Don't Drink Diet

John Ericson: Why 50 million Americans will still have spring allergies after taking meds

Cameron Huddleston: Best and Worst Buys of April 2014

Stacy Rapacon: Great Mutual Funds for Young Investors

Sarah Boesveld: Teacher keeps promise to mail thousands of former students letters written by their past selves

The Kosher Gourmet by Sharon Thompson Anyone can make a salad, you say. But can they make a great salad? (SECRETS, TESTED TECHNIQUES + 4 RECIPES, INCLUDING DRESSINGS)

April 2, 2014

Paul Greenberg: Death and joy in the spring

Dan Barry: Should South Carolina Jews be forced to maintain this chimney built by Germans serving the Nazis?

Mayra Bitsko: Save me! An alien took over my child's personality

Frank Clayton: Get happy: 20 scientifically proven happiness activities

Susan Scutti: It's Genetic! Obesity and the 'Carb Breakdown' Gene

Lecia Bushak: Why Hand Sanitizer May Actually Harm Your Health

Stacy Rapacon: Great Funds You Can Own for $500 or Less

Cameron Huddleston: 7 Ways to Save on Home Decor

The Kosher Gourmet by Steve Petusevsky Exploring ingredients as edible-stuffed containers (TWO RECIPES + TIPS & TECHINQUES)

Jewish World Review August 3, 2006 / 9 Menachem-Av, 5766

Shut my mouth if this ain't a heat wave

By Garrison Keillor


Printer Friendly Version
Email this article

http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | It is stifling hot in Minnesota, more like Savannah than St. Paul, and if the heat wave goes on much longer, I am bound to start writing a play in which folks sit around in their underwear beneath a ceiling fan and drink sloe gin and curse the degeneracy of their ancestors that cost them the old plantation, Bellefleur, where the negroes used to dance and clap and get happy every evening down by the smokehouse.


Up here we associate heat with degeneracy. Once the temperature gets above a hundred for several days in a row, you expect to see the minister canoodling with the church secretary and getting jazzed on joy juice, and the deputy shooting the sheriff over a hand of euchre, and the night before Jimmy Joe goes to the gallows he learns that his daddy was not his daddy. And you expect to come to church and see some snake-handling.


Episcopalians have pretty much ignored snake-handling, apocalyptic visions, ladies with big hats howling and moaning, but a few more weeks of this heat could change things. Attendance was good at our church last Sunday morning, considering the heat, and the sermon was okay (about having faith that the Lord will provide), but something in me wanted Father Frank to come right down into the congregation and pull out a gun and yell, "You peckerwoods have been ignoring me for too long now and I'm sick of it!"


Guns aren't allowed in churches up here in Minnesota, but in Texas and all through the South, I'm sure that the deacons are packing heat and anybody in a long white robe has got at least a .38 special under his belt — nothing says "I mean what I say" quite like a loaded pistol — and if Father Frank were to pull out a pistol on Sunday, right after the Exchange of the Peace and before the announcements, it would be an epiphany for all of us.


Northerners have a tendency to be cool, make nice, work out their deals, keep a low profile, but when it gets this hot for this long, I say, "What the hail!!! Let's git it done!"


I never touched a banjo before in my life, but I got one down from the wall this morning and was frailing it and singing about Dixie, and the demons of liberalism left my body and I saw the light and also my dropsy cleared up. Wham. Just like that.


It's hot here. And so the governor of Minnesota is campaigning for re-election on a platform of No New Taxes and Less Gummint, and I for one say Hallelujah. Taxes is way too high as it is. There is no point in pouring money into these danged schools and filling they heads with notions, let 'em learn to read the Holy Word, that is enough for any normal person. And quit telling us what we can and cannot do with our property. I intend to raise chickens in my garage and paint Scripture verses on my house and sell melons off the front porch and a medicinal formula called Rise & Shine which is made from goat gonads and bulrushes and which cures gout, dyspepsia, timidity, and female problems. It is none of the gummint's bidness what I do here. According to Mr. Samuel Colt, this is still a free country.


The governor also wants to bring back capital punishment. Hail, yes! It's been more than a century since we had public hangings here in St. Paul and about time we get back to it. With this heat, we're going to have sex criminals galore, serial killers, traitors, blasphemers, hermaphrodites wanting to marry flag burners, you name it, and I say hanging's too good for that scum. Let's burn them at the stake, and let's stone the adulterers and cut the hands off the thieves. Vengeance is mine, sayeth the Lord. Hand me down another pint of busthead, honeypie, and fry us up some possum, and you children hush or I will clobber you so hard you'll be seeing stars for a week.


Hot enough for me? I thrive on heat, Precious. Heat is my natural element. And seeing you walk around barefoot in that little ole dress is getting me hot and bothered. Never mind the possum. Come here and sweeten up to your papa and then let's go out and shoot some beer cans.

Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here.

Garrison Keillorís "A Prairie Home Companion" can be heard Saturday nights on public radio stations across the country. Comment by clicking here.

Archives

© 2006 by Garrison Keillor. All rights reserved. Distributed by Tribune Media Services, INC.

Columnists

Toons

Lifestyles