Home
In this issue
Nov. 6, 2009
Rabbi Berel Wein: Choosing to hear
JWisdom.com Zero to 1/60th: How to Empower An Hour with Gavriel Aryeh Sande (7 minutes)
Caroline B. Glick The mullahs' big week
Suzanne Fields A Fallen Wall for Fallen Man
Nov. 5, 2009
The Kosher Gourmet: Three scrumptious -- but simple -- butternut squash dishes
JWisdom.com Hidden Hints: Unlocking Faith & Prayer with Rabbi Jay Yaacov Schwartz (10 minutes)
Nov. 4, 2009
Tom Hamburger and Kim Geiger: Should prayers be covered?
JWisdom.com When God played peacemaker With Rabbi Sroy Levitansky (5 minutes)
Nov. 3, 2009
Martin Peretz: Beware, Barack. Beware, Rahm. Beware, Axelrod
JWisdom.com Are you are closet idolater? With Sara Yoheved Rigler (10 minutes)
Nov. 2, 2009
Paul Greenberg: The Holocaust is now on Facebook
JWisdom.com Abraham's Strange Change With Rabbi Yitzchok Fingerer (5 minutes)
Oct. 30, 2009
Rabbi David Aaron: Secret to Immortality
Caroline B. Glick Silencing dissent in America
Oct. 29, 2009
Lini S. Kadaba: Do tactics avert flu or reduce humanity?
JWisdom.com We Must Revamp our Religious Vocabulary With Gavriel Aryeh Sanders ( 10 minutes)
Oct. 28, 2009
Rabbi Yonason Goldson: Atheists in Bubbleland
JWisdom.com Why what we wear impacts who we are With Rabbis Mordechai Becher, Menachem Golberger and Aliza Bulow ( 10 minutes)
Oct. 27, 2009
Paul Greenberg: The United Nations Is Outraged Again, Or: Department of Mideast Static
JWisdom.com The Science of Love With Rabbi Jonathan Rietti ( 7 minutes)
Oct. 26, 2009
The Jewish Ethicist by Rabbi Dr. Asher Meir: Damaging disclosures with a twist
JWisdom.com Wisdom and Wonks With Rabbi Eytan Feiner ( 7 minutes)
Oct. 23, 2009
Rabbi David Aaron: Are you ready for the ultimate pleasure?
JWisdom.com Watermark and oneness with Rabbi Sroy Levitansky ( 4 minutes)
Caroline B. Glick Stop using limited powers in a way that expands our enemies' advantages over us
Oct. 22, 2009
Steven Emerson: Terror Cases Share Desire to Kill Americans
JWisdom.com No More More Family Fights --- Really? By Sarah Chana Radcliffe ( 5 minutes)
Oct. 21, 2009
Tonya Alanez: Holocaust denier sues survivor, calling Auschwitz memoir 'vicious lies'
JWisdom.com Meditating Jewishly: A Panacea for Success by Sarah Yoheved Rigler ( 7 minutes)
Oct. 20, 2009
Dennis Prager: Obama and Dalai Lama: Why Israel Worries about U.S. President
JWisdom.com Abraham was not religious By Rabbi Yitzchok Fingerer ( 6 minutes)
Oct. 19, 2009
JWisdom.comWhy Good People Do Bad Things By Rabbi Eytan Feiner ( 7 minutes)
Oct. 16, 2009
Rabbi Yonason Goldson: The Perfect Number
JWisdom.com Hearing Voices By Rabbi Sroy Levitansky ( 5 minutes)
Caroline B. Glick How Turkey was lost
Oct. 15, 2009
Jeff Jacoby: Peace vs. the 'peace process'
JWisdom.com: Former MTV producer and stand-up comedian Rabbi Lawrence Hajioff: Taming a Control Freak (A VERY fast 15 minutes)
Oct. 29, 2003
Mortimer B. Zuckerman: Graffiti On History's Walls (MUST-READ!)

Jewish World Review August 9, 2006 / 15 Menachem-Av, 5766

We're Gonna Party Like it's $19.99

By Malcolm Fleschner


Printer Friendly Version
Email this article

http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | When throwing a party for young children, parents enjoy a wide variety of themes to choose from. Traditionalists will opt for old standards like pirates, fairy princesses or dinosaurs. The kids themselves, however, as well-trained consumers of children's entertainment, tend to prefer such wholesome commercial themes as The Little Mermaid, Spongebob Squarepants and Mortal Kombat VII: Blood Reckoning.


Truthfully, for many parents these days, the party's theme is not the primary consideration. More important is using the party to convey a clear underlying message, which is, "Look How Much Money We Have." For these parents, merely hiring a magician is hardly sufficient. No, their little angel's party must also feature - at a minimum - bouncy houses, pony rides, professional jugglers, fire-eaters, a team of shiatsu massage therapists, the USC marching band and a live feed of the astronauts aboard the Space Shuttle singing "Happy Birthday" to the guest of honor. Often today the only way to tell the difference between a young child's birthday party and the Summer Olympics Opening Ceremonies is that most guests at a children's party are not required to furnish a urine sample.


Another popular kid party trend these days is hiring a mobile petting zoo to set up a caged-in area where ducks, rabbits, goats and chickens can poop all over your lawn. From what I can tell, the way it works is, before opening the gate to the pen, the attendant solemnly instructs the kids that the animals need to be treated gently and don't appreciate being chased, grabbed or picked up. Then he opens the gate and cuts out for a cigarette, at which point the kids all scramble in to chase, grab and pick up the hapless animals. And since the poor creatures probably go through this routine twice a day every weekend, the ironic result is a corral full of baby ducks and rabbits conditioned to peck and bite any child in range.


But when you're talking about parents going overboard for children's parties, you can't avoid mentioning Long Island tycoon David H. Brooks, who recently spent $10 million to hire, among others, Stephen Tyler and Joe Perry of Aerosmith, rapper 50 Cent and saxophonist Kenny G. to perform at his daughter's Bat Mitzvah. Now I know what you hip teenagers reading this are thinking: "That's outrageous! Why waste money on Aerosmith or 50 Cent when the kids are only going to want to see smooth jazz legend Kenny G.?"


I admit to scratching my head over the notion of a kid's party with a higher price tag than, say, the cost of rebuilding New Orleans. I was raised in an era (the Pleistocene) when a child's birthday party consisted of a game of pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey (and, unless he was quick, pin-the-tail-on-the-dog) followed by cake and presents. The closest thing we had to a fire-eater was when my friend Billy Mezzetti burned his eyebrows trying to swipe a taste of birthday cake while I was blowing out the candles.


But turning a fire extinguisher on a friend's face wasn't our only entertainment. At my mom's parties the highlight was always when my friends and I tried to guess how many jelly beans were contained in a half-gallon mason jar. Whoever came closest got to take the jar home. Or, more precisely, got to try to spirit the jar out of the house while a dozen eight-year-old boys riding a serious frosting buzz assaulted him like a horde of refugees tearing into a UN food delivery truck.


Now that our daughter is turning four, my wife and I are courageously bucking the trend toward lavish, costly birthday parties. Not only do we strongly believe that such events are tacky and send the wrong message to children, but we also feel that kids should know how to amuse themselves and not need to be entertained constantly. Plus we don't have the money.


And so, while my wife spent the past week cleaning, preparing food, making decorations and coming up with ideas for games and activities, I've taken charge of the kids' craft project. I haven't told my wife yet, but the children won't be doing the usual fingerpainting, spin art, or paper crown decorating projects. Instead, thanks to my exciting "Kids Around The Globe," theme, our young partygoers will experience a taste of what life is like for disadvantaged children abroad by spending 11 hours in the basement hand-stitching inseams into Nike cross-trainers. Hey, since when is teaching kids a valuable lesson a bad thing? And if it helps defray some of the costs of throwing the party, so much the better, I say.


Besides, I'm not a complete ogre. Unlike some parents, I would never force the kids who come to our party listen to Kenny G.

Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here.

JWR contributor Malcolm Fleschner is a humor columnist for The DC Examiner. Let him know what you think by clicking here.


Previously:

07/19/06: Just Singing in the Brain
05/24/06: Who says you can't go home again?
05/11/06: When nightly news stories go off script
04/26/06: Cents and sensibility: A thought for your pennies
03/16/06: The day the Muzak died
02/23/06: Checkbook diplomacy begins at home
02/15/06: Today's toys: Where learning means earning



© 2006, Malcolm Fleschner

Insight (Our Columnists)

 Arnold Ahlert
 Mitch Albom
 Michael Barone
  Dave Barry
 Tony Blankley
 Andy Borowitz
 David Broder
 Stratfor Briefing
 Mona Charen
 Linda Chavez
 Ann Coulter
 Greg Crosby
 Larry Elder
 Suzanne Fields
 John Fund
 Frank J. Gaffney
 Lloyd Garver
 Jonah Goldberg
 Julia Gorin
 Jonathan Gurwitz
 Paul Greenberg
 Lewis Grossberger
 Victor Davis Hanson
 Betsy Hart
 Nat Hentoff
 David Horowitz
 Laura Ingraham
 Cheri Jacobus
Jeff Jacoby
 Paul Johnson
 Jack Kelly
 Ed Koch
 Ch. Krauthammer
 Michael Ledeen
 John Leo
 David Limbaugh
 Kathryn Lopez
 Rich Lowry
 Michelle Malkin
 Jackie Mason
 Dick Morris
 Bill O'Reilly
 Jim Mullen
 Clarence Page
 Kathleen Parker
 Dennis Prager
 Wesley Pruden
 Tom Purcell
 Jonathan Rauch
 Celia Rivenbark
 Robert Robb
 Cokie & Steve Roberts
 Pat Sajak
 Debra J. Saunders
 Culture Shlock
 Roger Simon
 Michael Smerconish
 Thomas Sowell
 Mark Steyn
 John Stossel
 Cal Thomas
 Bob Tyrrell
 Diana West
 Dave Weinbaum
 George Will
 Walter Williams
 Byron York
 Mort Zuckerman

'Toons
 Robert Arial
 Chuck Asay
 Baloo
 Chip Bok
 Dry Bones
  Lisa Benson
 John Branch
 Gary Brookins
 John Cole
 J. D. Crowe
 John Deering
 Brian Duffy
 Everything's Relative
 Mallard Fillmore
 Jake Fuller
 Bob Gorrel
 Joe Heller
 David Hitch
 Jerry Holber
 Steve Kelley
 Jeff Koterba
 Dick Locher
 Chan Lowe
 Ranan R. Lurie
 Jimmy Margulies
 Rick McKee
 Michael Ramirez
 Kevin Siers
 Jeff Stahler
 Ed Stein
 Danna Summers
 John Trever
 Gary Varvel
 Kirk Walters

Lifestyles
 How 2
 Lori Borgman
 The Savvy Consumer
 Elder matters
 Fixit
 Dr. Peter Gott
 GET A JOB! by Marty Nemko
 Richard Lederer
 Tech Maven
 Every Monday Matters
 Nutrition Myths
 Bookmark These
 Bruce Williams
 How Stuff Works