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Jewish World Review August 1, 2005 / 25 Taamuz, 5765 A few Dear Janes await Fonda By Lenore Skenazy
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
ITEM: Actress Jane Fonda has launched an anti-Iraq war protest — infuriating veterans still seething from her Vietnam antics. She ... plans to cruise a vegetable-oil-fueled bus across the U.S.
Here's a peek into what just might be in Jane Fonda's mailbox:
Dear Ms. Fonda:
We here at Veggie-Fuels received your kind offer with great ... um ... surprise. Who wouldn't be flattered that a woman of your stature was volunteering to champion their vegetable-based gasoline as vigorously as you have championed, well, so many other causes over the years? Causes we all remember so vividly? It's not that we don't want our fuels to be associated with you, even if some of your past actions still engender murderous rage in half the population nearly 40 years later. (How time does fly!)
No, it's just that we ... are closing for vacation. Yes, that's it! We are closing for summer vacation. So maybe you should call the folks at Prius, and we'll talk some other time.
Wishing you well, even if my brother always swore he'd impale you if he ever met you (perhaps another reason not to stop by).
Yours, Roger Feller, CEO, Veggie-Fuels Ltd.
"Alternative Fuels Even for People Who Hate Jane Fonda"
Dear Jane:
How exciting that you have decided to start protesting the war in Iraq! What a shocker that must be to the average American: Jane Fonda is against a war. Stop the presses!
As ardent anti-war activists who haven't taken off the last two years for a book and movie deal, we are pleased you have finally noticed our organization and would like some of our bumper stickers.
We believe, as you do, that peace in Iraq is of paramount importance. Frying onion rings in your gas tank? Less so.
Yeah, that veggie oil thing really adds a lot of gravitas to our cause. "Do you want fries with that moral outrage?" Really makes the whole anti-war movement look focused. Thanks a ton.
I'm sure you'll understand that, due to "shortages," we can't send you bumper stickers. No buttons either. But good luck driving down memory lane smelling like a Burger King. And remember: If you stop by this office, you will not be buzzed in. I'm sure you understand.
Penny Dickle, President, Normal Americans (Not Jane Fonda) for Peace in Iraq
Dear Ms. Fonda:
As the publishers of your autobiography, "My Life So Far," we, of course, appreciate any publicity efforts you are making on the book's behalf. But would you be so kind as to talk up the Roger Vadim threesomes a little more and your one-woman crusade to end a war that, realistically, cannot be brought to a close simply because you abhor it ... a little less? Thanking you in advance,
Yours, The Publicity Department
P.S. If an Iraqi insurgent invites you to climb on his machine gun and there are cameras present, please decline.
Jane:
You STILL Hanoi me.
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JWR contributor Lenore Skenazy is a columnist for The New York Daily News. Comment by clicking here. © 2005, NY Daily News |
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