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Jewish World Review
August 10, 2005
/ 5 Av, 5765
At 75, ‘Blondie’ leaves vital questions unanswered
By
David Grimes
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http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
One of my favorite comic strips, "Blondie," is celebrating its 75th anniversary, so now seems as good a time as any to talk about some of the things that have always puzzled me about the strip.
1) Dagwood, the inventor of the Dagwood sandwich, eats like every meal might be his last and yet he never gains an ounce. As someone who can't look at a potato chip and still be able to snap his shorts shut the next morning, I would dearly love to know Dagwood's secret. Dagwood occasionally plays golf, but his favorite activities are avoiding chores and curling up on the couch for a long nap. The lesson here, apparently, is that I need to do even less physical activity than I do now (this will be a tough assignment but I will give it my best shot) and "just say yes" to that fourth helping of fried chicken. I will either get thin like Dagwood or a construction crane will be needed to lift me out of my house so I can pose for a cover story for "Weekly World News" titled "800-Pound Man Wears Circus Tent for Pants!"
2) How is it that Elmo, a 5-year-old neighborhood kid, always pops in on Dagwood while he's taking a bath? Have these people never heard of door locks? Do Elmo's parents find it the least bit strange that a naked man is holding regular conversations with their son? Does Elmo even have parents? Are the police or the folks at Family Services aware of this situation?
3) Why don't the Bumsteads' kids ever grow up? Alexander was "born" in 1934 and Cookie in 1941 yet both remain teenagers. Any parents who had to live with teenagers for 50 or more years would have flung themselves off a bridge long ago. (This could account for Dagwood's eating disorder and Blondie's eerie normalcy.)
4) Why do neither Dagwood nor the mailman, Mr. Beasley, show any long-term effects from their frequent, violent collisions? Both should be misshapen from their constantly broken and reset bones, and permanent head and spine injuries seem likely. At the very least, both should be suffering from chronic arthritis due to the daily pounding absorbed by their joints. We know that Mr. Beasley has good health insurance but what about Dagwood? It seems unlikely that that tightwad, Mr. Dithers, would spring for a decent medical plan.
5) Has anyone ever noticed that Mr. Beasley and Herb Woodley, Dagwood's neighbor, appear to be the same person? Is there some sort of secret-life thing going on here? Does Mr. Beasley have two families? We know that Dagwood's a bit dense, but even he should have figured out by now that something's fishy.
6) Who does Dagwood's hair and why hasn't he or she been arrested? I mean, we're talking criminal misuse of scissors and comb here. The flying wing may have worked in football 70 years ago, but as a hairstyle it's definitely a no-go. I say hire the "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" guys and give Dagwood a much-needed makeover. (Sorry, Dagwood, but the bow tie has to go, too.)
Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here.
JWR contributor David Grimes is a columnist for The Sarasota Herald Tribune. Comment by clicking here.
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