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Jewish World Review
August 23, 2005
/ 18 Av, 5765
And now, some happy news
By
Brad Dickson
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http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
SLOW NEWS DAY ALERT! There was a story on my local TV news the other night about an Australian man who is teaching mice to surf small waves, first in his bathtub, then, the mice who prove their mettle graduate to the more challenging environs of the ocean.
This follows a rash of animals-acting-like-humans stories in the news including, but not limited to: a cat trained to use a toilet, a dog taught to bark four "words," and, a chimpanzee who's the leading investment banker on Wall Street. (Okay, I made the last one up.)
Of the above examples I find the surfing mice most compelling. (Assuming the mice-on-tiny surfboards doesn't involve the use of Super Glue or a soldering iron.) As an actual man who's attempted to surf on three occasions yielding mixed results (the same way Custer's Last Stand yielded mixed results; I haven't managed to stay upright long enough for my girlfriend's finger to press downward on the camera button, estimated required time: one nanosecond), I'm humbled by these rodents.
As it seems educating mice on the finer points of surfing would be time-consuming apparently this "mentor to the surf mouse" has an understanding family. And despite all those vacations never taken, those graduation ceremonies missed, the anniversaries forgotten, it's all worthwhile when Dad appears on local television for 17 seconds at the tail end of the 11 o'clock newscast. Usually in the prestigious slot right after the story on the Idaho man with two Big Toes on one foot, and just before the infomercial for the tool that grabs hold of weeds and launches 'em into space.
Here's the ironic thing. Instead this summer he was supposed to teach his teenage daughter to drive a stick shift, but instructing vermin to hang ten is at least theoretically possible.
A report on mouse surfing is what's known in the broadcast industry as ending the newscast with some "happy news." The local newscast is the only venue where you're inundated with horrific stories of murder, infidelity, mayhem and robbery (and that's just the gardening report) for the better part of half an hour, then the final sixty seconds is devoted to a silly, goofy story. So after the second most depressing 29 minutes of your entire life (next to that episode of "Joey" you watched) the final minute suddenly turns into a combination America's Funniest Home Videos/Friar's Club Roast/Hee Haw reunion. And the entire news team, including even the obnoxious Weather Guy who's despised by the anchor duo because he was teaching comedy traffic school three months ago with a condom over his head and is now entrusted with millions of lives by predicting hurricanes, go out holding their sides doubled over with laughter. Other examples of happy news to end the newscast:
A moose who tries to mate with a Buick Riviera
A 400-lb ballet dancer
A 60-pound onion
A bank robber who forgot his pants
A couple who marries at Jiffy Lube/McDonald's/The 99 Cent Store
A proctologist who loses his wedding band "on the job."
A moose who tries to mate with a 400-lb ballet dancer
And it's completely unnecessary. In this day and age when, wedged between stories of mayhem and robbery, the actual news contains cherished snippets like Robert Novak cursing, Arnold Schwarzenegger mispronouncing the name of the state he governs, Jane Fonda preparing to travel cross country in a bus fueled by vegetable-oil, the President of the United States repeatedly catapulting off his mountain bike and hurling through air like one of the Flying Wallendas, and, fourteen NASA scientists attempting to screw in a light bulb (unsuccessfully), who really needs to see an amorous moose atop a Buck?
Unless you'd get footage of, say, an enormous whale trying to mate with, say, a Carnival Cruise ship. Then I'd cancel the entire scheduled newscast and just air the footage. Picture that Carnival commercial. "If they could see me now, that old gang of mine" indeed.
Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here.
JWR contributor Brad Dickson was a monologue staff writer for The Tonight Show With Jay Leno for 13 years. He's presently developing a network television pilot. Comment by clicking here.
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