In this issue

Jonathan Tobin: Defending the Right to a Jewish State

Heather Hale: Compliment your kids without giving them big heads

Megan Shauri: 10 ways you are ruining your own happiness

Carolyn Bigda: 8 Best Dividend Stocks for 2015

Kiplinger's Personal Finance editors: 7 Things You Didn't Know About Paying Off Student Loans

Samantha Olson: The Crucial Mistake 55% Of Parents Are Making At Their Baby's Bedtime

Densie Well, Ph.D., R.D. Open your eyes to yellow vegetables

The Kosher Gourmet by Megan Gordon With its colorful cache of purples and oranges and reds, COLLARD GREEN SLAW is a marvelous mood booster --- not to mention just downright delish
April 18, 2014

Rabbi Yonason Goldson: Clarifying one of the greatest philosophical conundrums in theology

Caroline B. Glick: The disappearance of US will

Megan Wallgren: 10 things I've learned from my teenagers

Lizette Borreli: Green Tea Boosts Brain Power, May Help Treat Dementia

John Ericson: Trying hard to be 'positive' but never succeeding? Blame Your Brain

The Kosher Gourmet by Julie Rothman Almondy, flourless torta del re (Italian king's cake), has royal roots, is simple to make, . . . but devour it because it's simply delicious

April 14, 2014

Rabbi Dr Naftali Brawer: Passover frees us from the tyranny of time

Greg Crosby: Passing Over Religion

Eric Schulzke: First degree: How America really recovered from a murder epidemic

Georgia Lee: When love is not enough: Teaching your kids about the realities of adult relationships

Cameron Huddleston: Freebies for Your Lawn and Garden

Gordon Pape: How you can tell if your financial adviser is setting you up for potential ruin

Dana Dovey: Up to 500,000 people die each year from hepatitis C-related liver disease. New Treatment Has Over 90% Success Rate

Justin Caba: Eating Watermelon Can Help Control High Blood Pressure

The Kosher Gourmet by Joshua E. London and Lou Marmon Don't dare pass over these Pesach picks for Manischewitz!

April 11, 2014

Rabbi Hillel Goldberg: Silence is much more than golden

Caroline B. Glick: Forgetting freedom at Passover

Susan Swann: How to value a child for who he is, not just what he does

Cameron Huddleston: 7 Financial Tasks You Should Tackle Right Now

Sandra Block and Lisa Gerstner: How to Profit From Your Passion

Susan Scutti: A Simple Blood Test Might Soon Diagnose Cancer

Chris Weller: Have A Slow Metabolism? Let Science Speed It Up For You

The Kosher Gourmet by Diane Rossen Worthington Whitefish Terrine: A French take on gefilte fish

April 9, 2014

Jonathan Tobin: Why Did Kerry Lie About Israeli Blame?

Samuel G. Freedman: A resolution 70 years later for a father's unsettling legacy of ashes from Dachau

Jessica Ivins: A resolution 70 years later for a father's unsettling legacy of ashes from Dachau

Kim Giles: Asking for help is not weakness

Kathy Kristof and Barbara Hoch Marcus: 7 Great Growth Israeli Stocks

Matthew Mientka: How Beans, Peas, And Chickpeas Cleanse Bad Cholesterol and Lowers Risk of Heart Disease

Sabrina Bachai: 5 At-Home Treatments For Headaches

The Kosher Gourmet by Daniel Neman Have yourself a matzo ball: The secrets bubby never told you and recipes she could have never imagined

April 8, 2014

Lori Nawyn: At Your Wit's End and Back: Finding Peace

Susan B. Garland and Rachel L. Sheedy: Strategies Married Couples Can Use to Boost Benefits

David Muhlbaum: Smart Tax Deductions Non-Itemizers Can Claim

Jill Weisenberger, M.S., R.D.N., C.D.E : Before You Lose Your Mental Edge

Dana Dovey: Coffee Drinkers Rejoice! Your Cup Of Joe Can Prevent Death From Liver Disease

Chris Weller: Electric 'Thinking Cap' Puts Your Brain Power Into High Gear

The Kosher Gourmet by Marlene Parrish A gift of hazelnuts keeps giving --- for a variety of nutty recipes: Entree, side, soup, dessert

April 4, 2014

Rabbi David Gutterman: The Word for Nothing Means Everything

Charles Krauthammer: Kerry's folly, Chapter 3

Amy Peterson: A life of love: How to build lasting relationships with your children

John Ericson: Older Women: Save Your Heart, Prevent Stroke Don't Drink Diet

John Ericson: Why 50 million Americans will still have spring allergies after taking meds

Cameron Huddleston: Best and Worst Buys of April 2014

Stacy Rapacon: Great Mutual Funds for Young Investors

Sarah Boesveld: Teacher keeps promise to mail thousands of former students letters written by their past selves

The Kosher Gourmet by Sharon Thompson Anyone can make a salad, you say. But can they make a great salad? (SECRETS, TESTED TECHNIQUES + 4 RECIPES, INCLUDING DRESSINGS)

April 2, 2014

Paul Greenberg: Death and joy in the spring

Dan Barry: Should South Carolina Jews be forced to maintain this chimney built by Germans serving the Nazis?

Mayra Bitsko: Save me! An alien took over my child's personality

Frank Clayton: Get happy: 20 scientifically proven happiness activities

Susan Scutti: It's Genetic! Obesity and the 'Carb Breakdown' Gene

Lecia Bushak: Why Hand Sanitizer May Actually Harm Your Health

Stacy Rapacon: Great Funds You Can Own for $500 or Less

Cameron Huddleston: 7 Ways to Save on Home Decor

The Kosher Gourmet by Steve Petusevsky Exploring ingredients as edible-stuffed containers (TWO RECIPES + TIPS & TECHINQUES)

Jewish World Review August 27, 2004 / 10 Elul 5764

Dems, PLEASE don't read this!

By Jerry Della Femina

Printer Friendly Version

Email this article

You've been warned

http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | Are they gone? Good. Now the remaining six Republicans in the Hamptons who read this column and I can have a nice intimate chat. Here's our challenge: How can we drive our Kerry-loving (formerly, although they now deny it, Howard Dean-loving) Democrat friends nuts?

What the hell do they want? They are winning the state by an obscene margin. In the Hamptons, Democrats outnumber Republicans 100 to 1. When you count millionaires the number goes up to 1000 to 1. So what do we do? Here's my plan. Stay away from cocktail parties and dinner parties. Most Democrats love to take a giant hunk of foie gras and dip it into a vat of caviar and eat it while they tell you how the Democratic Party is the party of "the poor downtrodden masses."

The best thing to do with them is agree.

When they ask you why you're voting for George Bush give them the old "aw shucks" routine. Agree, as so many of us do, that we differ with Bush on stem cell research and women's rights and the environment and the religious right. Then look them in the eye and say, "Of course the single biggest issue in my life and my children's lives is terrorism and Kerry frankly looks like a simpering wimp." Now, almost every Democrat will then play the Michael Moore card.

Democrats will insist that it is your duty as a living, breathing human being to go see Moore's Fahrenheit 9/11. "YOU MUST SEE IT. YOU MUST SEE IT," they scream.

Republicans, I urge you, remain calm — although I must admit it's a frightening moment because their eyes roll back in their head and a few drops of spittle come out of the sides of their mouth. It is not drooling; it is just a few harmless drops that jump out of their mouths with the fervor of their love for the disgusting Mr. Moore. Please remember, most Democrats are harmless. Of course, Charles Manson was a Democrat but that was many years ago.

How do you answer them? Just look down and say almost everything in Michael Moore's movie was a lie. They will then insist that you see the 7-minute spot on 9/11 when Bush was notified of the attack while he was reading to children in a nursery school. You just answer that he did indeed looked stunned and ask them how they thought Franklin D. Roosevelt looked when he heard the Japanese had bombed Pearl Harbor. Then tell them that you have it on good authority that upon hearing of the Japanese air strike, Franklin D. Roosevelt jumped up and ran 50 feet before he remembered he was paralyzed. Compliment them on the fact that apparently no Democrats looked stunned when they heard that planes had crashed into the Twin Towers and tell them you wish you were as cool as they were. Assure them that you are well aware that Michael Moore was not stunned at the news of the terrorist attack, after all, didn't he say about the World Trade Center tragedy:

"Only 3000 Americans were killed. There are 290 million Americans. All right? Osama bin Laden should be considered innocent until proven guilty. The intervention in Afghanistan was unjustified. The American lives lost in Afghanistan have been wasted."

The best way to deal with the Michael Mooremania is to assure them you will go see the fake documentary if they promise, Scout's honor, to listen to Rush Limbaugh for a month. Trust me, this will get them to change the subject.

At this point most Democrats will start the, "Osama has already been captured and they're keeping him in the basement of the White House until the week before the election" chant. I have heard this from a number of Democrats who I would have sworn were sane before this election process started.

Republicans, this is not something that should be answered. Smile and pretend your cell phone just vibrated and walk away having a conversation with a phantom on the other end of the line.

There is a point where we can help our flustered Democrat friends. A wonderful woman who is a reader provided me with the following material and I think it will be of great service if you pass it on to those who intend to vote for Kerry in November.

Donate to JWR

Apparently in his acceptance speech, Senator Smiley Face Kerry spent so much time talking about his daughter's hamster and his seven months in Vietnam and all the things he plans to do when he's in charge, that he had to cut his speech short in order to make it on to the 11 p.m. news (it's good to see he has his priorities in order). So what did he leave out? His record in the last 20 years in the Senate.

Just imagine if someone came in for a job and his resume neglected to tell where he had been in the last 20 years. Here are some of the things he forgot to tell his adoring followers.

In the last 20 years, he voted to kill all anti-terrorism activities of many key agencies of the U.S. Government:

  • He voted to cut the funding of the FBI by 60%.

  • He voted to cut the funding for the CIA by 80%.

  • He voted to cut the funding for the NASA by 80%.He voted to kill the Bradley Fighting Vehicle.

  • He voted to kill the M-1 Abrams Tank.

  • He voted to kill every Aircraft Carrier laid down from 1988.

  • He voted to kill the Aegis anti-aircraft system.

  • He voted to kill the F-15 Strike Eagle.

  • He voted to kill the Block 60 F-16.

  • He voted to kill the P-3 Orion upgrade.

  • He voted to kill the B-1.

  • He voted to kill the B-2.

  • He voted to kill the Patriot anti-missile system.

  • He voted to kill the FA-18.

  • He voted to kill the F117.

  • He voted to kill every military appropriation for the development and deployment of every weapons system since 1988, including a bill for battle armor for our troops.

  • Did he vote FOR anything? Yes.

  • He voted to increase our funding for UN operations by 800%!

Now, my fellow Republicans, I ask you to pass this on to our good Democrat friends in the spirit of friendship and harmony. It won't change their minds. Nothing will change their minds.

If John Kerry announced today that he was The Manchurian Candidate and that he has a chip implanted in him so that when he's President, his wife Teresa "Sweetness" Heinz Kerry will turn over the Queen of Diamonds and he will immediately hand over control of The United States to the United Nations or, even worse, agree to make this country a colony of France — he still will carry New York and California.

Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in Washington and in the media consider "must reading." Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here.

Comment by clicking here.

JWR contributor Jerry Della Femina was recently named by Advertising Age as one of the 100 Most Influential Advertising People of the Century. He's perhaps the most sought-after advertising expert in the country, there is no network, no publication and no organization on which, in which, or before which Mr. Della Femina has not appeared. He is also the author of two books, From Those Wonderful Folks Who Gave You Pearl Harbor (a best-seller), and An Italian Grows in Brooklyn (a non-seller).


04/30/04: Charlie Chan and the politically correct mafia
12/23/03: Att. Dean, don't worry, Americans have short memories
05/16/03: Still crazy after all these years
05/09/03: The updated secret of life
04/10/03: THE WAR OF WORDS: Did we get him?
03/27/03: Spoiled 'peace' brats
03/21/03: What we must do
03/17/03: Turn your cheek and get another fist in your jaw
02/25/03: In New Yawk, they are finally muzzling celebs
02/06/03: Media empowering terrorism?
01/31/03: Outed at McDonald’s
01/24/03: Fresh ink
01/10/03: Will his political career go up in smoke?
11/07/02: Here's a dirty little secret: Most Italians sort of like the Mafia
10/17/02: Bloomberg for Honorary Italian of the Year

© 2004, Jerry Della Femina