Jewish World Review July 11, 2014 / 13 Tammuz, 5774
Laws We Need Now
By Lenore Skenazy
JewishWorldReview.com | It's time to talk about the real congressional issues that need to be addressed, to wit:
—Napkin reform. Nine napkins for one cup of coffee are too many. One napkin for a kiddie cone is nine too few. Why can't Congress mandate extra napkins at any establishment serving meltable food to meltdown-able kids (and parents)? Most ice-cream stores treat napkins like $100 bills. Perhaps our reps could pass a recycling bill, taking unused napkins from Starbucks and forwarding them to Baskin-Robbins.
—Coin sandwiches. You have just made a purchase. The cashier hands you back — in this order — your dollars, your coins in a little tower, your receipt. You are now in possession of a coin sandwich, which can be either shoved awkwardly into a pocket (some dimes will plummet) or placed back on the counter — along with your purchases — and meticulously reconfigured to fit into a billfold and change purse. Honorable congressfolk, why not consider legislating a configuration of dollars and receipt on the bottom, coins on top? The cents you save might be your own.
And while we are on the subject of cashiers and etiquette, how's about a penalty for checkout people who refuse to acknowledge the customer RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF THEM with a smile, a grunt of "hi" or even a fleeting arch of the eyebrows? I'm RIGHT THERE!
—Crosswalks are for the walking. Hard as it is for most drivers to believe, pedestrians are people, too. In fact, they are people not encased in 2 tons of metal, which means that when they are crossing the street WITH the light, they stand a good chance of being flattened like a delicious panino by drivers intent on turning no matter who or what is in their way. Let's not bother fining these maniacs. Let's confiscate their cars and hand them right over to the panin — er, pedestrians. A little switcheroo would do everyone good. (Particularly the ones who survive.)
—Noncompliant conversationalists. A conversation is defined as two people chatting back and forth. Then there are the conversations that consist of the other person's telling you absolutely everything, down to how many Rice Krispies he left in his bowl at breakfast.
This kind of conversation usually ends just as you are saying something like, "I have had quite a day, too, and in fact have been in incredible pain ever since the pit bull—" The caller interrupts, "Wow. Gotta go."
Let's outlaw these non-versationalists. Or let's just put them in the crosswalk when it's pedestrians-get-behind-the-wheel time.
And I've got plenty more suggestions, anytime our legislators are looking for a real issue.
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