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Jewish World Review The mail and email of the species By Jim Mullen http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | Every week, it seems, social scientists find another way in which we divide ourselves into groups. There's the Generation Gap, the Gender Gap, the Education Gap, people who shop at the Gap and those who don't, omnivores and vegans, liberals and conservatives, book readers and Kindle readers, rock climbers and normal people, texters and grown-ups, gay and straight, rich and poor, black and white, boxer/briefs and a million other splits. The one that has been bothering me most recently is the gap between the people who read and respond to their email instantly and those who don't. "Did you get that thing I sent you about that TV show?" I asked my friend Barbara as we were waiting in line at the Stop and Go Away gas station. "Oh, I didn't read my email yet this week," Barbara said. "How can you not read your email for a week?" I said a little louder than I had intended. Other people in the line with smartphones in their hands were staring at her as if she'd said that clubbing baby seals was a good idea. They were probably tweeting our conversation. Or recording it on video, hoping we'd say or do something so incredibly stupid that it would get 12 million hits in the next five minutes and get them a three-picture deal with some Hollywood movie company. But really, what kind of person doesn't check their email at least every 10 seconds? What is wrong with her? Is she just anti-social, or a menace to society? What on earth could possibly be more important than reading her email? Her children? Her husband? Her parents in the nursing home? Where are her priorities? I, who took the time to send her an email, am the injured party here. I sent her a note yesterday asking if she would record a show for me on a premium channel that she gets but I don't because, well, why should we both pay? And then today I learn she hasn't even read it. What is wrong with her? What does she do all day long if not answer her email? Cook? Clean? I've been to her house, it's just as filthy as mine. Plus, she has a premium channel that she has time to watch while I'm stuck with basic cable. I hope that someday my friend Barbara will start reading her email every day and not turn into the Technical Amish. Unlike the religious Amish, the Technical Amish can drive cars and use electricity and phones, but they draw the line at email, Facebook, texting and tweeting. It's all very quaint and soon, no doubt, tourists will start searching them out so they can show their children how people used to live. "Oh look, Daddy, that one's putting a letter in a mailbox!" "Don't point, honey, it's not polite. But that's how it was when I was a little boy. If you wanted to send someone a message ..." "A message like 'R U L8?'" "Actually, no, I mean a long, written message about what you've been doing and what the people they know have been up to and ..." Just then Dad's cellphone will ring and he'll read, "I'm bored. Can we go home now?" Barbara asked me what I had emailed her about. I told her about recording the TV show. "I couldn't have done it anyway," she said. "I'm down to basic cable. Why should I pay for 600 channels I never watch? It's like going to the grocery store and paying for a bunch of food I don't like and will never eat. That's crazy. I don't have time for it anyway. I spend most of my time on Skype with my grandkids." Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here. Comment by clicking here. Jim Mullen is the author of "It Takes a Village Idiot: Complicating the Simple Life" and "Baby's First Tattoo." Previously: Jotting down the un-bucket list Bees deliver stinging fashion critique Have a tissue issue? Help is a phone call away My guy's guys are better than your guy's guys Divorce, Facebook style Millionaires are a dime a dozen What not to name the baby Technology is a wonderful thing -- when it works A bad case of the wedding bill blues Of cupcakes, teenage moms and crazy nuptials FOOD FIGHT! Rolling Stoned Caterwauling over death of books is premature Ask your doctor if this column is right for you Could shopping be any more inconvenient? Thanks for the lack of memories Help wanted: Teenage life coach with all the answers Sorry, wrinkles are not legal proof of age Dead mice tell no tales GOING PAPERLESS -- PRICELESS! Should bad behavior be rewarded? The perplexing problems of the rich and famous Do these glasses make my gut look big? More expensive by the dozen In one year and out the other Thank heaven it's Black Friday Planning for the long term ---- tomorrow READING THIS WILL MAKE YOU THIN AND HAPPY! The Seven Secrets of Success It's tough living off the gridIt's tough living off the grid How not to clean the houseIt's tough living off the grid The yellow badge of cowardice Any way you slice it Home sweet homeschooling Don't Head for the Borders Money ball Golf and death go hand in hand Tune in, turn off, unplug The radar curtain Is Steve Jobs clouding my privacy? The gift of garbage Johnny Intern, Ph.D. Twenty-foot fences make good neighbors You must remember this… TV experts and real news Hey caller, where's the fire? My sad cushy life Pacemaker, don't you mess around with me Big Brother is skinny Flight of the snowbirds This HDTV needs child support Dear Future: Where's the dome? Not so elementary, my dear Watson A vacation revolution Your call is very unimportant to us Life: There's no app for that Bam! Practical kitchen magic Poisoning myself Ban Huck Finn in schools --- even the sanitized version! $38,000 for traffic and weather updates 2011 Predictions: Nostradamus was a hack 2010: A year of annoying junk Why do bad things happen to stupid people? Moving on from movie theaters Money never sleeps, but it does pass out President Trump kept it classy Stalking your college kid won't change a thing Putting my life in ‘Jeopardy’ Mo' government, mo' problems iLostIt Dressed for excess Expert tease The mysteries of Jersey ‘You are a toilet, where am I?’ Don't we all cheat at the game of life? What happens when I forget where Google is? Don't let the doorman hit you on the way out Picasso fiasco Purple (hair) ‘Daze’ Let me hear your body talk Working from work Babies deserve clean restrooms, too 3-year-old bear-killers are a thing of the past Money-making ideas on the fly Collecting and hoarding Chain of fools Please come pick up your acting awards, ESPN commentators, you've earned them You've been superpoked by the U.S. gov't e-Readin', e-Writin' and e-Rithmatic A pose by any other name Warning: Column contains 2010 spoilers ‘He loves only gold, only gold’ Think about direction, wonder why … Flushing your money down a diamond-studded toilet More like ‘wack’ Friday The good, the ad and the ugly The desert of the real Let books be large and in charge I was insulting people way before the Internet GPS drill sergeant: Left, right, left! Butterfly in the sky, you make winds go twice as high Music to my ears it's not You don't light up my life Fair or not: Country living is far from ‘Little House’ A parable for the ‘ages’ Top 100 Cable news stories of the century Green dumb A developing story Thinking outside the lunch box What's good for the goose is good for the scanner Newspapers will survive, but network TV? A really big show of generation gaps When pigs flu The reports of our decline have been greatly exaggerated Mergers and admonitions Invest in gold: little, yellow, different Stuck in Folsom Penthouse Collecting karma Setting loose the creative ‘juice’ It's all in the numbers You're damaging your brain with practical skills The real rat pack The unspeakable luxury of the Park-O-Matic Gross-ery shopping © 2009, NEA

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